I Don't Like To ...

... dump all over Andrew Raycroft. OK, fine, I do. But you know what? I'll never do it again. I'm getting out of that business. More accurately, I've been forced out of that business.

The NHL's regular season is over and, adding insult to the fact that the Toronto Maple Leafs are once again on the outside looking in at the playoffs (!!!!1), Raycrap finished with a save percentage higher than that of Vesa Toskala's; .001 percentage points higher, to be exact.

Oh, the humanity.

With that, my Raycroft-bashing days are over. I declared that if Toskala was looking up at Raycroft's save percentage come season's end, I'd offer "Razor" an apology, and never talk ill of him again. Well, I'm a man of my word.

It doesn't matter that Raycroft started 27 games compared to Toskala's 53. It doesn't matter that the Colorado Avalanche, as a team, allowed 36 fewer goals than Toronto. It doesn't matter that the Maple Leafs were the worst defensive and penalty killing team in the league.

What matters is that five-on-five Raycroft was better than Toskala, posting a .905 save percentage to Toskala's .903 at even strength. Sure, Toskala's save percentage on the penalty kill was higher than Raycroft's (.841 to .832), but both numbers are downright pathetic, so they cancel each other out.

Ugh. Toskala shouldn't have been playing hurt. Period. No more excuses. I hope he's deeply, deeply ashamed of himself.

The bottom line? Raycroft and Toskala both suck.

That's it, that's all, I'm done. Sorry, Raycroft. I'll see you in hell.

Now, to bring it all back to the title of the post, and to try and erase Raycroft the goalie who shall never again be named from our collective psyches, London, Ontario's own ShadK ...

Housekeeping:

You'll notice that the comments section has changed around here; no more pop-up window. It's all now done within the post. If you loathe change, let me know; we can always return to the good old days. Your feedback would be appreciated. Remember: without you, there would be no blog.

Well, there would be. But no one would be reading it. And what the fuck's the point of that?

Virtual Raycrap

EA Sports' NHL 09 is, hands down, the most realistic hockey video game. Ever.

Check out the video below (the goalie is none other than my good friend Andrew Raycroft) ...

  

 

I was the Calgary Flames' defenceman, rounding the net. There were but four seconds left on the clock. I fired it. 

And what do you know? Good old Raycrap.

Well done, folks at EA Sports. Well done ...

Deep Thoughts...

Chris Bosh, a deadbeat dad? Let's hope not. No matter what happens, his problems will never be as bad as Travis Henry's ...

Rob Iracane of the fine Walkoff Walk, where Lloyd the Barber of Ghostrunner on First fame (read this; I guarantee you'll subscribe to GoF when you're done) resides on the weekends, thinks the Toronto Blue Jays will finish last in the AL East this season. He's wrong. Simple as that ...

Points wise, Jason Blake is having the second-best season of his career. Fist pumps all around. They're on me ...

Dave Feschuk and Michael Grange have written a book called "Leafs AbomiNation." It will be sold for $19.67. Of the two authors, which do you think thought of the sticker price? ...

Sobering statistic alert: Post NHL lockout, I'm talking almost four full seasons, Toronto Maple Leafs goalies have 10 shutouts. Columbus' Steve Mason recorded his tenth of this season last night against Calgary ...

Incredibly joyous statistic alert: Andrew Raycroft allowed four goals on eight shots Wednesday night against Anaheim. Raycrap's save percentage, at .889, is now lower than Vesa Toskala's .891. I told you, the universe is wise ...

I can admit it: I'm officially worried about the Jays' rotation. But Toronto's still winning the pennant. It's going to be quite the fairytale-like story. Something to tell the grand kids ...

I believe Pavel Kubina will still be a Maple Leaf come training camp in September. And I wouldn't be opposed to him wearing the captain's "C"next season ...

The NHL's MVP debate is heating up. I love Alexander Ovechkin, but Geno Malkin gets my meaningless vote ...

Right about now is when I get really sick and tired of spring training. I can't wait until opening day. If you're looking for a ticket, holla at ya boy, I've got plenty ...

Andrew Raycroft's career...

Encapsulated in one picture.

Beautiful, isn't it? I thought so too. 

A Pulitzer is in order.

(Full disclosure: this picture now hangs in my cubicle.)

The Raycrap Report Vol. 9: It's happening...

You know, I went a whole month without writing one of these. It was good. A much needed respite from the goaltending disease known as Andrew Joseph Ernest Raycroft.

But my man in Colorado has been playing some games. Poorly, of course. And I think we all knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.

Anyway, I've decided that I'm not going to be so hard on Raycroft anymore. He's a terrible goalie. I think we all get it. Life goes on.

The only thing that matters from here on out is that, so as to keep the laws of the universe in proper working order, Vesa Toskala finishes the season with a higher save percentage than Raycroft. That's it.

And as you might have noticed, there now exists a sidebar on your right called "The Interns of the Iced Igloos," in honour of the one and only Joe Bowen. That's where I'm keeping score.

Thanks to a meagre .877 save percentage in his last four games (three losses and a no-decision), Raycroft's down to .894 on the season. Toskala, after his stellar February, is only half a percentage point behind him.

Well done, Vesa. You're almost there, my Finnish friend.

It's happening. The universe is righting itself. And it's a beautiful thing.

Deadline Day

It's tomorrow. And it's kind of a big deal.

Are you giddy with excitement? Or are you, like me, praying that come 3:00 PM eastern time on Wednesday, Tomas Kaberle is still a Toronto Maple Leaf? 

Look, you don't trade a guy with that much talent, at that price tag ($4.25 million), when you know the salary cap will be coming down. Period.

Plus, we need him for our PLAYOFFS! run.

Anyway, if you're hanging out on the internetz tomorrow, my man Down Goes Brown will be live-blogging the festivities, beginning first thing in the morning. Join him. And if he makes any rental player jokes about Mats Sundin, give him hell.

Deep Thoughts Vol. 18: Vesa's Back

I don't know what happened to the old, promiscuous Vesa Toskala. Matter of fact, I don't care. He's gone. And hopefully he's not coming back. Vesa's five-hole is no longer open for business, and that's all that matters.

So, a couple of public verbal floggings from Brian Burke and Ron Wilson, and some horrid play from Justin Pogge and his teammates, is all it took to get Toskala back into form? Seriously?

I don't know the answers. Why the hell do you think I'm asking you? But I'm guessing all Toskala needed was some motivation. And God knows Curtis "Old Yeller" Joseph wasn't providing it. Anyway, based on Vesa's recent play (3-0-1, .949 save %), Wilson and Burke look like the smartest guys in show business right now.

I must say, it's great to have the Vesa of old back in the fold. The good Vesa. The Vesa who can stop a few God damn pucks every now and then. He was sublime again last night, stopping 31 of 32 in regulation against the New York Rangers, and all three of their attempts in the shootout.

Yes, you read that correctly. Vesa Toskala stopped all three New York attempts in the shootout. Don't worry, after the game, I went out and bought me one of those scratch-and-win cards. I'll be yelling out "Bingo!" in my cubicle around 11:45 AM.

Toskala's save percentage now comes in at .888. Around these parts, we round up. So, that's 89%, my friends. Andrew Raycroft's checking in at .898. Keep doing what you're doing, Vesa. You're almost there, bro. No matter all the extremely distasteful things I've said about you this season, I still believe in you.

Bye Bye Bell

The forgotten man, Mark Bell, is now a New York Ranger. He hit the re-entry waiver wire yesterday and the Rangers, in their never-ending stupidity (see: Tortorella, John), claimed him. And, to think, I was excited about Bell joining Toronto a season and a half ago. Well done, John Ferguson Jr., well done.

Since he's a now officially a former Maple Leaf, Bell's career is on the upswing. Cue his career rejuvenation, starting...a now.

Kabby Ain't Going Nowhere

Brian Burke wants a first-round pick, a guy who can step in and play right now, and a top prospect for #15. Needless to say, Tomas Kaberle is going to remain a Toronto Maple Leaf past Wednesday's trade deadline, and I couldn't be happier about that.

To all those of you who were excited to see him go, cry me a God damn river.

Kaberle for life.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 8: Walking on Sunshine...

Sorry mates. I wanted to write this post on Friday, but I was stuck up on cloud nine. I don't know about you, but in the aftermath of the beating the Maple Leafs laid on Andrew Raycroft, I was beaming. It just felt great to be alive.

Seven goals. On 30 shots. A truly Raycroftian performance. And I enjoyed every bloody minute of it.

I took in the festivities at a local establishment. I was hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst (read: I was drinking). Thankfully, in a 4-4 game, Raycroft did in the third period what he does best: suck.

Now, let's not kid ourselves. A goaltending duel the game most certainly was not. Raycroft made only 23 saves, while Vesa Toskala was whorishly bad as well, getting in front of only 16 of the 20 shots he faced.

But, like I wrote about in my previous post, Thursday night wasn't about the Vesa. He was awful (I think Cujo - Cujo! - could have stopped that Hejduk wraparound in the second period), but Raycroft was even sluttier.

Of course, as is the case when any team plays Raycrap, slumps were broken. Nik Antropov scored for the first time in 17 games, Mickey Grabs got off the snide after 12, and Matt Stajan scored his first goal in eight contests. Hell, even Jeff Finger got in on the act. And, don't look now, but Jason Blake, with another three points, is a point away from becoming Toronto's leading scorer this season.

Andrew Raycroft: the greatest slump-breaker in the game today. If only the Leafs could play against him more often.

Thanks to the Maple Leafs, Raycroft's goals against average now sits at 3.01, and his save percentage is back where it belongs, below the .900 threshold, at .895. Way to make me proud, boys. And way to get up for the big game, Andrew.

You know, Thursday night's game might have been the highlight of the season for me. By the time it was all said and done, I was in my happy place. So much so that I picked up the tab for the boys. It had to be done. It was a celebration - or rather, vindication - after all.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 7: We Meet Again...

Dear Andrew Raycroft,

I must admit, I love that picture. It's actually my new desktop background. It looks like you've been shot. If only I could be so lucky.

I kid, I kid. Calm down. I hate you, but that doesn't mean I wish a drive-by shooting upon you. I'm not a psycho, man.

So, tonight, we finally meet again. I won't lie; I've had this game circled on my calendar for some time.

As of this morning, I'm not sure if you'll actually be between the pipes tonight. It would be a shame if you're on the bench, but I wouldn't be surprised. You don't exactly come across as the most motivated cat, and that's one of your biggest problems. If I were you, I'd be on my knees begging to play tonight. I'd be desperate to prove to Leafs management, and prove to fans just like me, that you are not an epic failure of a goalie.

You know, Andrew, I don't hate many former Leafs. In fact, you're probably the only one. And I've often wondered why.

I think, deep down, it goes back to the end of the 2006/2007 season. You were pulled from the final, most important, game of the regular season, and the Leafs ended up missing the playoffs. Yet you had the nerve to tell everyone you were happy with your season. Happy with your 2.99 GAA and .894 save percentage.

I've never forgiven you for that. I likely never will.

You're a Belleville, Ontario boy, and were playing goal for the mother fucking Toronto Maple Leafs. You were living the dream. You should have taken it more seriously. You should have wanted it more. You should have been pissed off about missing the post-season.

You know, I feel a great sense of irony as I write this, because Vesa Toskala has turned into the goaltending equivalent of a dirty slut; he's turned into you. His numbers, frightening as they are, are actually worse than yours from 06/07. He looks apathetic in the crease, and every bad goal that goes past him is, well, just another bad goal that goes past him. It pains me how much he reminds me of you.

I've lost a lot of faith in Vesa this season. I don't think he's the goalie I thought he was. But tonight isn't about Vesa. It's about you. The Leafs can lose every game the rest of the way out, but I'll be happy as long as they win - as long as they beat you - tonight.

It's not even about revenge. It's about giving a damn. You never did. You bastard.

And my offer from weeks ago still stands: if you finish the season with better numbers than Toskala, that's it, I'm done, I'll never speak ill of you again.

You know, there haven't been a lot of games to get up for so far in this difficult and trying season, but tonight's one of them. I'll be rooting for my Leafs like it's a playoff game tonight.

Here's hoping you're in the crease, and that the red goal light behind you shatters from overuse.

Good luck. May the shitty goalie who least resembles a slut with an open five-hole win.

Go to hell,

eyebleaf

*This letter has been graciously cross-posted by my good friend PPP over at Pension Plan Puppets. Go there, and sign up for an account. It's one big, happy family group therapy session, and Maple Leafs blogging headquarters.

*UPDATE*

Raycroft's playing. It's on.

Dear Paul Maurice,

What's up, Coach? Back in good old Raleigh, I see. It's always nice to see a bromance the likes of yours and Jimmy Rutherford's be rekindled.

Seriously, though, I wish you nothing but success your second time around down there. Shock the world and take that Hurricanes team to the Stanley Cup final once again. Just make sure you don't go through the Leafs to make it happen, asshole.

Wait. My apologies. I didn't mean to call you an asshole. It just happens to be a very sensitive subject for me. I mean, the Leafs lost the 2002 Eastern Conference final to Arturs Irbe.

Arturs. Mother. Fucking. Irbe. 

And Jeff O'Neill. Ugh. Let me get back on track here, before I start sobbing uncontrollably.

Look, Paul, I owe you an apology. I threw a lot of dirt on your name over the course of the last two years. I blamed you for a lot of what ailed the Toronto Maple Leafs, especially their issues in the defensive zone, and their penalty killing (I use the word "killing" lightly).

I'm sorry. It obviously wasn't your fault. Ron Wilson's Leafs have proven that you were, in fact, a penalty killing specialist. I'm sure Wilson would love for his team to be killing penalties at a 78% clip, like your Leafs did, instead of the disgraceful 73% he's got them coming in at.

Without you, Wilson's Leafs are allowing a frightening 3.44 goals a game. Good for 28th in the league, and substantially worse than your Leafs' 3.08 GAA last season, and 3.15 GAA in 06/07.

Jesus, Paul, I think I might actually miss you.

I now know that the Leafs' struggles during your two seasons at the helm weren't your fault. You just happened to be the scapegoat. And, the more I think about it, the more I'm sure that you probably hate Andrew Raycroft as much as I do. I sincerely hope you're enjoying The Raycrap Report, as much as I'm enjoying writing it.

I like you, Paul, even to this day. You're a great quote and, by all accounts, an amiable cat. I don't think you're a very good coach, but that's besides the point. You're back in Carolina now and who, other than Schultzy, really gives a shit about the Hurricanes? It's where you belong.

Good luck tonight, Coach. You and your boys probably won't need too much of it.

I hope there's no hard feelings. We, Leafs Nation, don't blame you. Not anymore. We blame John Ferguson Jr. And we always will.

Cheers,

eyebleaf

The Raycrap Report Vol. 6: The Streak's Over

Andrew Raycroft finally lost a game. His seven game winning streak is officially in the rear view mirror. The universe, clearly, is back to normal.

In typical Raycrap fashion, he blew a great opportunity for himself. All but ready to take over the bulk of the Avalanche goaltending duties from Peter Budaj, Raycroft was his Raycroftian self, allowing four goals on 27 shots in the loss to the Columbus Blue Jackets.

I anticipate he'll be back on the bench on Thursday night when Colorado visits St. Louis.

Like I alluded to above, the universe is wise.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 5: An Apology, Maybe...

Sidney Crosby and his hapless Pittsburgh Penguins were the latest team to succumb to the goaltending force known as Andrew Raycroft, dropping a 5-3 decision on Saturday afternoon.

I figured the final nail in the coffin of Pens coach Michel Therrien, or "hockey dad" as he's lovingly called by my girl Lori over at Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes, would have been a loss to the one and only Raycroft. But that wasn't the case. The Pens lost, Therrien's still got his job, and Raycroft continues to defy all logical, well, logic.

Raycroft's effort on Saturday was reminiscent of his days with the Toronto Maple Leafs. He stopped only 21 of 24 shots, but he won. Again. And wins are nice.

Now that he's won seven games in a row...

Sorry, I need a second. I can't believe I just wrote that.

...

OK. My apologies. Let's try this again. Yes, I did just take a shot of Wiser's. 

Now that he's won seven games in a row, it's looking more and more like our good pal Andrew may supplant Peter Budaj as the number one goalie in Denver. Raycroft will be between the pipes tonight in Columbus when the Avalanche visit the Blue Jackets.

I know, what a world.

What I don't know is what Raycroft, now sporting a 9-1 record and a .905 save percentage, wants from me. I don't really know why he's doing this to me. I mean, haven't us Leafs fans, and you know, fans of good goaltending, suffered enough? Raycroft's exploits remind me of Happy Gilmore, when he told Shooter McGavin, "Uh oh, Happy learned how to putt!" Suddenly, he's learned how to play goal again. Bastard. 

I'm at my wits end. How can I make fun of Raycroft when he's sporting solid numbers, and when the Leafs are easier in their own end than a couple of Jarvis St. hookers? I can't, dammit. I've become so disillusioned with Vesa Toskala and his whore-like five-hole to the point where I'm willing to offer Raycroft an apology...maybe.

If, by the end of the season, Raycroft's save percentage (.905) is still higher than Toskala's (.882, fuck!), I will offer Raycroft a full apology, and never, ever, talk smack about him again.

Basically, the ball is now firmly in Toskala's court. He's got half a season to pull up his God damn panties jock strap, and play with some pride. I mean, as a Leafs fan, I don't have much of anything. It would be a damn shame for me to lose "The Raycrap Report," as well.

Oh, and just to warn you, if Raycroft does in fact finish with a higher save percentage than Toskala, and Paul Maurice leads the Carolina Hurricanes to the playoffs, I'm going to need a hug, and a glass of booze, more than I've ever needed either before.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 4: Is This Really Happening?

Is this all just a bad dream? Am I, perhaps, lost in the matrix? Is it really possible that Andrew Raycroft made 43 saves last night in a 2-1 victory over the Chicago Blackhawks, owners of the second most prolific offence in the Western Conference?

It is possible.

Forty-three saves. A career high.

Six wins in a row. Tying a career high.

I am speechless. I have no speech. 

Seriously, though, I cannot believe how Raycrap's fortunes have turned. Think about it; Andrew Raycroft, 8-1, with a .908 save percentage. It's insane. My worst nightmare - Raycroft picking up the shattered pieces of his pathetic career - is coming true right before my very eyes.

To make matters worse, Vesa Toskala's five-hole, much like a cheap, dirty hooker, was once again open for business last night. Vesa, who allowed five goals on 21 shots and was pulled after 40 minutes, is really buying into the whole "Show me your V" marketing campaign from Versus.

The Maple Leafs went into action last night with the league's lowest save percentage, coming in at 87.7%. After yesterday's debacle at the hands of the Canadiens, that number is going to, unfathomably, go even lower.

You know what? Raycroft and Toskala are both sucking the life, and the fun, out of this whole "Raycrap Report" thing.

If it were socially acceptable to have a drink in the morning, I'd probably pour myself one today.

Instead, I think I'm going to stick to the orange juice sans vodka and head to work.

Happy fucking Friday.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 3: Dear Vesa Toskala,

No, Vesa, I didn't photoshop that picture. That is Andrew Raycroft making a glove save on Marty St. Louis. In a shootout, no less.

Raycroft won again last night, Vesa. No, I'm not fucking around. Check the box score, bro. That's seven wins for him this season. Yep, half as many as you have. And you've started 34 games compared to his nine.

You know what else? His 2.71 GAA blows your 3.27 out the frame. But fuck the goals against average. We all know it's the save percentage that really matters. Well, the news isn't good on that front either, my friend. Raycroft's sporting a .894 to your .885. Almost a full percentage point better than you.

No, Vesa, I don't want to hear it. I don't care if the Avalanche are scoring goals for him. In his last five games, Raycroft's allowed only 11 goals, and won them all. Where has that type of consistency been from you? Where, dammit?

This is tough for me, man. You have to know that. Here I am, the guy telling people not to boo Bryan McCabe, now comparing you to Andrew Raycroft, the one guy I hate with every fibre of my being.

You've let me down, Vesa. I've been one of your biggest supporters, and one of your ardent defenders. But how long can I carry on this charade? After 34 games this season with you between the pipes, I don't think I can say that you're a legitimate number one goalie. I'm sorry.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the Leafs are, once again, one of the worst defensive teams in the league. It makes me nauseous to see that the team is killing penalties at an absolutely unacceptable 73% success rate. As much as I complain about Ron Wilson not being able to change the defensive and penalty killing fortunes of this team, I know that a big part of those dastardly numbers are, well, weak goaltending. Like Will Smith said, "Yo fault."

Look, I'm not saying Raycroft is a number one goalie. Even my Dadima knows he's not. But I don't care how many more games you play than that rat bastard, your numbers, especially your save percentage, have to be better than his.

It's time to look in the mirror, my Finnish friend. If your groin is hurt, tell Ron Wilson you need some time, and let the God damn injury heal. There's no point trotting you out there every night if you're going to give us pathetic goaltending. I mean, we've got Curtis Joseph for that.

You were supposed to be one of the few bright spots on this team this season, Vesa. You were supposed to be one of our "assets." Half the season is in the books, and you're having the worst season of your career, bar none. It's time to start giving a damn.

With love,

eyebleaf

Save Your Boos

Bryan McCabe, now a Florida Panther, anticipates being booed by you, by us, the Toronto Maple Leafs faithful, in his return to the Air Canada Centre tonight. 

Let's prove him wrong.

Look, I know the McCabe chapter in Leafs history had a shitty ending, but no matter what you think of him today, how about we show him some love tonight. What do you say?

We had some good times. Eight years. Over 520 games in the blue and white; 523 to be exact. Even 50 playoff games, including one of our deepest runs. Seasons of 43, 53, 68, and 57 points. A Team Canada selection. The can-opener. Dude was good.

And don't you forget the beautiful music McCabe and Tomas Kaberle made together. They were a lovely tandem back there. My lasting memory of McCabe, own-goal be damned, is him one-timing a cross-ice pass from Kabby, served up on a pillow on the power play, into the back of the net.

McCabe's trade out of Toronto has worked out for both teams. He's logging a ton of minutes on the Panthers' blue line and has responded well, as anticipated, to the fact that no one gives a shit about hockey down in Miami.

Mike Van Ryn, whom Toronto received in return, of course, has arguably been the best Leafs defenceman when he's in the lineup. Unfortunately he just can't stay in the lineup, thanks to douchebags who hit from behind.

So, do me a solid and save your wrath. McCabe doesn't deserve it. Even during his darkest days in a Leafs uniform, no one could accuse #24 of not playing with passion, or not trying. By all accounts, McCabe tried too much; tried too hard. He wanted nothing more than to live up to the massive contract John Ferguson Jr., aka the Antichrist, gave him, and his career in Toronto ended because of that desire and what it did to his game.

In the end, in my zen-like hold-no-grudges fashion, I wish McCabe nothing but good luck and all the success in the world. I'm glad to see him succeeding in Florida, and here's hoping he gets a warm ovation from the crowd tonight. Here's hoping the fans remember the good times. There were plenty.

Save your boos for Raycroft.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 2: Day Of Reckoning

When I heard that Andrew Raycroft would be between the pipes for Colorado last night against the Detroit Red Wings, I immediately went out and bought a party hat, and put some Bambino on ice. 

You see, I figured Raycroft was going to get shelled with the loss (I was thinking seven goals on 35 shots), waived this morning, and be languishing in the minors, where he belongs, by tonight.

I was ready for a celebration. Ready for sweet justice to be served. Ready for Raycroft to be outed once and for all as the fraudulent goaltender that I know he is.

Instead, much to my dismay (and not really to my surprise), the game didn't exactly go the way I thought it would.

Raycroft shone like never before. Or at least like he hasn't shone in a long, long, really long time. He stopped 34 of 36 shots, including 14 of 15 in the third period, and kept Detroit's top-ranked power play - humming along at 29.2% going into yesterday's game - at bay through five opportunities. Raycroft's nine saves on the penalty kill were huge, and he was, unfathomably, named the game's first star.

Andrew Raycroft. Named number one star. Let that sink in for a second.

Has that ever even happened before? I'm way too lazy to check and find out, but I'm going to have to say no. Needless to say, it was an out of body experience for the much-maligned Avalanche goaltender. It had to have been. It's the only rational explanation.

To add insult to injury, Raycrap's win came against, well, the Detroit Red Wings. You know, the defending Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings. And in Detroit, to boot, where the Wings had won five in a row.

Un-fucking-believable.

Mind-blowingly, Raycroft has now won four of the five games he's started for Colorado this season. Lest you forget, that's double his win total of last season with the Maple Leafs. Thanks to his epic performance last night, our good friend Andrew Joseph Ernest is now sporting a tidy .870 save percentage along with his four glorious victories.

Curtis Joseph, on the other hand, has yet to win a game, and is walking around with a pathetic .851 save percentage to his name.

I was dreading this day. The day Cujo's save percentage is actually lower than Raycroft's. It has arrived, and I think I'm going to be sick.

Fun Is Overrated

Ask my fellow Maple Leafs followers about this year's squad and you're sure to get back one response: "the team sure is fun to watch!" You know what? Fuck "fun."

I don't know what's fun about watching my team let in three, four, five, and six goals every night. I don't know what's fun about leading the league in goals against, and having the league's worst shorthanded unit.

You know what's a lot of fun? Defence. Even more fun than that? Killing a penalty.

I know, the Leafs' goaltending has been bad. OK, worse than that. Downright Raycroftian. Vesa Toskala and Curtis "Old Yeller" Joseph have collaborated on a 3.51 goals against average, and a .869 save percentage. Joseph's stats, frightening to begin with, actually got worse after last night's shelling. He's now sporting a tidy 3.95 GAA and an .851 save percentage. Even Raycroft is laughing at him. As was discussed over at Pension Plan Puppets, "Old Yeller" Cujo needs to be put down.

Our "magicians of the meshed mansions," as Joe Bowen would say, are not getting the job done. They are brutal. But the goalie in me isn't going to sit back and let my peeps in the blue paint shoulder all the blame. Where's the help? The Leafs, as has been the norm post-lockout, are atrocious defensively, and once again look lost beyond their own blue line.

Where's the coaching? I thought Ron Wilson was a defence-oriented cat. Did I read the wrong memo? Right now I can't tell the difference between Wilson and Paul Maurice.

Look, I know we're rebuilding. I know this team isn't very good. I have no problem with losing, as long as the effort is there. I'd just rather lose 2-1, than 6-3. I mean, it's infuriating to see this Leafs team spot their opposition two-nothing leads on the regular, and blow three-nothing leads and lose in overtime. It's maddeningly frustrating to see the Leafs dead last in penalty killing efficiency, with a 73.5% "success" rate. If 23 other teams can be at the 80% or better mark, why can't we?

Where is the defensive accountability?

What makes the Leafs' struggles in their own end all the more difficult to swallow is the fact that, one quarter into the season, this team has proven it can score. Toronto is one of only eight teams averaging over three goals a game.

I think Ron Wilson has done great things in the dressing room. He's brought change, Obama style. I loved how he benched Matt Stajan, and now has him playing the best hockey of his life. Wilson keeps it real and, if you're not performing (see Blake, Jason), you're not playing. But Mr. Wilson has failed to deliver on his promise to make the Leafs a tougher team to play against, especially on home ice. The personnel has changed, but the results are just more of the same: fishing the puck out of the back of the net on a regular basis. And, let me tell you, I'm not finding it much fun to watch.

On Brian Burke

Speaking of fun, to no one's surprise, it's all but official now. I don't know what the hell took so long either.

One thing: only in Toronto can the interim general manager make a trade the day before the savior is hired. Definitely only in Toronto. You know how we do!

I'm torn on Mr. Burke. I'll be honest, what scares me the most is that high atop his priority list will be shipping Tomas Kaberle out of town. Burke's an intimidating cat. I don't doubt for a second that he'll "convince" Kabby to waive his no-trade clause. I know Kabby hasn't had a fantastic season so far, but the thought of him leaving, regardless of what we get in return, pains me greatly.

No matter, I do welcome Burke to town with open arms. Let's see what he can do. After the tenure of John Ferguson Jr., things can only get better. JFJ took us to hell. We've seen it. We've endured. We've survived. When you're at the bottom, the only place left to go is up. Do your thing, Brian.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 1: Schadenfreude

Andrew Raycroft must moonlight as a magician. Somehow, someway, he has managed to convince the good folks down in Colorado that he is still an NHL calibre goalie. David Blaine would be impressed.

This is the beginning of a new feature at Sports And The City - The Raycrap Report - where we follow the struggles of every Toronto Maple Leafs fan's favourite former goalie: Andrew Joseph Ernest Raycroft. It's schadenfreude at its finest, my friends.

I know, I could have (and probably should have) called it The Raycroft Report, but, well, no. That's a little too mature for my taste, thank you very much. 

I've got to tip my cap to MF37, or The Sage as I like to call him, over at Bitter Leaf Fan Page for providing the inspiration for The Raycrap Report. MF37 is a calm, cool and collected individual. He writes a great blog, and is one of the few Leafs fans I know who is able to maintain a relatively even keel when it comes to our frustrating Leafs. He doesn't get all emotional like me. He is the alter-eyebleaf.

But even MF37 has hatred for Andrew Raycroft:

"I would eat up a Raycroft Report with a freakin' spoon. Even if he was playing road hockey with his kids and let in a softy I'd be happy to wallow in it. That rat bastard Raycroft necessitated the deal for Toskala and in total cost the franchise Rask, 1, 2, 4 round picks and a shot at the playoffs."

When MF37 is calling someone a "rat bastard," you know it's serious business.

Here in Toronto, we paid a heavy, heavy price for Raycroft. Countless, mindless casualties. The above is all that we have left: bitterness. And it spares no one; all of us have got it. I happen to be the poster child. And all of it stems from only two years and 90 odd games of #1 in the net. It's rather remarkable, really, when you think about it.

Also equally remarkable is the fact that Raycroft has already equalled his win total of last season: two. I know, he deserves a fresh batch of cookies from the ladies. His stats, however, are downright pathetic.

Raycroft was ravaged in his latest start on October 30th against Columbus, allowing four goals on only 14 shots. He was back on the bench, where he belongs, to begin the third period. One of the goals was scored from behind the goal line. Another two were scored high, glove side. Imagine that.

Raycroft's save percentage, you ask? .839. Ten goals allowed on 62 shots. And a 3.76 GAA. In the two games he was victorious, the Avs scored 10 goals. Yep, that's about right.

I'm not sure how much longer Raycroft can keep the wool pulled over the eyes of Avalanche management. He doesn't belong in the NHL, and I think it's only a matter of time before the Avalanche bus leaves without him. 

Anyone up for a $20 wager? I'm calling Tuesday, November 18th. By that day, Raycroft will have been sent to the minors, waived, or injured in a "freak accident." Holla!

Curtis Joseph may be looking every bit like the 41-year-old he is between the pipes for Toronto right now, but even he is no Raycroft. There is only one.

Chin up, poor Avalanche fans. I know what you're going through. Don't worry, soon your nightmare will be over.

Stay tuned for another installment of The Raycrap Report. I doubt there will be too many more.

Vintage Raycrap

Andrew Raycroft made his home debut in Colorado last night and showed the Avalanche faithful what we in Toronto, and even folks in Boston, already know: he sucks.

My advice to fans of the Avalanche? Get used to it. Raycroft is the definition of awful, atrocious, pathetic goaltending. While my heart does go out to Colorado supporters, I can't help but feel an overarching sense of joy that Raycrap no longer calls Toronto home.

I know it's only pre-season action, but Raycroft looked in mid-season form last night, allowing six goals on only 23 shots to the Chicago Blackhawks. That's a 0.739 save percentage, my friends. That is brutal. Raycroft's expectations in Colorado might just be lower than Sarah Palin's. Yes, he's that bad.

I still don't understand what the hell management in Colorado was thinking when they signed Raycroft to a one year deal worth $800,000. He's an impostor. He's certainly no goalie. A goalie is supposed to stop pucks. It's part of the fucking job description! Raycrap fooled the Bruins, he most certainly fooled Toronto, and he was one of the major reasons former Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. lost his job (actually, I probably owe Raycrap some props for that). 

All that being said, only one thing is clear: they've got some pretty solid drugs down in the Denver area. It's the only explanation I can come up with as to why Raycroft still has a job in the NHL. He shouldn't. His signing, even though it was only worth $800 K, was arguably the worst in hockey history. Yes, worse than the Jeff Finger contract. Way worse.

You know, I honestly don't know why I get joy out of seeing Raycrap struggle.

I just do.

Good Riddance

Another thrilling episode of "Survivor: Toronto Maple Leafs" edition took place on Friday. The tribe (read: Cliff Fletcher) has once again spoken. Thankfully - no, mercifully - Andrew Raycroft has been voted off the island.

It's a joyous occasion, my friends. In making arguably the easiest decision in the history of mankind, the man known as "Raycrap" has been bought out of the final year of his contract by the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Scheduled to earn $2.2 million next season, the Leafs will take a salary cap hit for the next two years of...you know what, I don't even know. And it doesn't even matter. It's worth it. I don't care how much we're on the hook for, it's worth it.

Andrew Raycroft will never again play goal for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Say it with me. Say it out loud. Believe it, man, because it's true.

"Andrew Raycroft will never again play goal for the Toronto Maple Leafs!"

Oh man, it feels great. It's a great day. Oh yes, forget the dollars and cents, it's worth it. A buyout worth every last fucking penny.

You know, I'm sure Raycroft is actually a swell guy. I'm sure he's someone who takes pride in what he does and who wants to succeed. But, man, his tenure in Toronto was so bloody awful that I can't help but feel happy now that he's heading towards the exit. I wish him well, I truly do. It's clear that he simply didn't possess the mental toughness to play goal in Toronto, one of the most difficult places to play. While I doubt he'll get another job in the NHL, I hope he can get a job in the minors and work on his game because, well, his game needs a lot of work. Here's hoping the dude lands back on his feet. For an Ontario boy who fulfilled a dream by lacing 'em up for the Toronto Maple Leafs, how it all played out has got to leave a bad taste in his mouth.

Sort of like the foul taste in the mouth of all the Leafs fans who watched him play these last two years.

In my mind, Raycroft will forever be tied to the John Ferguson Jr. era here in Toronto. JFJ made some incredibly stupid moves as general manager of the Leafs - such as, oh, I don't know, handing out no-trade clauses like fucking Halloween candy - but the Raycroft for Tuukka Rask trade might go down as his worst.

It was one thing to take a chance on Raycroft two summers ago. He had a phenomenal season in 2003/2004 and won the rookie of the year award. In the post-lockout season he was hampered by injury. When it was evident here in T.O. that Ed Belfour had reached the end of the line, the Leafs needed a goalie, and Raycroft became the man. When I heard we had landed Raycroft for Rask, I supported the move. With two blue-chip goaltending prospects in our system (Justin Pogge and Rask), one of them was obviously expendable, and I had high hopes for Raycroft to return to form.

What I'll never understand is why JFJ handed Raycroft a new contract - a 3-year, $6 million pact - before he even played a game in the blue and white. Instead of letting Raycroft go out and prove himself and earn the number one job, JFJ handed him the keys to the car. It was the worst decision he could have made. Even though he won 37 games two seasons ago (I still can't grasp my head around this fact), Raycroft stank. He let in soft goal after soft goal and was yanked from the crease in the biggest game of the year with a playoff spot on the line. Only one year after he was acquired for an incredibly high price, it was obvious Raycroft wasn't up to the task of manning the crease in Toronto and JFJ had to go out and get another goalie, and deal another first-round pick in the process.

I'm not even going to bother getting into Raycrap's most recent season. I've blocked most of it out of my memory. All you need to know is that he won two of the 19 games he played. With an NHL-calibre backup goalie, the Leafs might have made the playoffs.

Vesa Toskala has, thank God, worked out for Toronto (and JFJ, that moron, handed him a contract extension before he played a game for the Leafs, too), but JFJ really deserves a bitch slap for giving Raycroft that extension. In the end, it doesn't even matter whether Rask turns into a solid NHL goalie, even though all signs are pointing towards him doing just that. Raycroft was a monumental, colossal, epic, mammoth, mistake. Raycrap's shitty legacy in Toronto will forever be tied to JFJ's even shittier legacy.

Alas, what's done is done. What matters is that Raycroft, say it with me one more time, will never play goal for the Toronto Maple Leafs again. Another one of JFJ's wrongs has been righted.

Thank you, Cliff Fletcher. Thank you so much.

Shattered Dream

Brian Burke will not be riding into town on a white horse, the man ready, willing, and able to fix the Toronto Maple Leafs. He's staying in Anaheim. Pardon my language, but, well, fuck.

Burke, and his 2007 Stanley Cup championship ring, still has one year left on his contract as general manager of the Anaheim Ducks. He's going to serve it.

I so thought Burke was coming to Toronto. I've been telling people for about two weeks now that it was only a formality, that once the Ducks were eliminated from the playoffs the wheels would be set in motion. Well, no more motion. Hell, the motion never even began. The dream is dead.

Sean over at Down Goes Brown called it a couple of weeks ago. For those of you that aren't familiar with his blog, he's a Leafs fan living in Ottawa - yes, you should feel sorry for him - and let's just say he's a, uh, glass half-empty type of guy. Check out his blog, it's good stuff. He's our source for what's happening in that God-forsaken city.

Anyway, here's what Sean had to say: "I'm a Leafs fan and a Leafs fan only until the day I die (which will be this summer, by the way, of self-inflicted head wounds when we don't get Brian Burke)."

Wow. Didn't even get to summertime. Stay away from sharp objects, Sean.

Here's what makes the events of yesterday so depressing: even Sean was beginning to believe the hype about Burke, and he's about as optimistic about the Leafs as I am about peace in the Middle East. It ain't happening. Not in my lifetime, at least. If Sean at Down Goes Brown thought Burke might be on his way to town you know that I, the ultimate homer, believed in my heart of hearts, without a shadow of a doubt, that Brian Burke was going to be the next general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Wrong. Again. I am an idiot. I am Vaswani, lord of the idiots.

What next? Whom shall I anoint as the next general manager of the Leafs, only to likely be proved wrong once again? Jim Rutherford? Neil Smith? Colin Campbell? Ken Holland? Scotty Bowman (cue: salivation)? Bryan Colangelo?

You know what? I say we keep Cliff Fletcher. Why the hell not? I liked what he did when he stepped in for John Ferguson Jr. He made some decent trades at the deadline. Remember, he did manage to get a draft pick for Wade Belak. Now I loved Belak as much as the next Leafs fan, but it's Wade Belak. And he's set to become an unrestricted free agent. It's a pretty damn impressive trade. Perhaps Clifford can pull another rabbit out of his hat and trade Andrew Raycroft.

Hold on, give me a second. Sorry about that, but even I found that one funny. Trade Raycroft! Imagine Fletcher actually trying to make that trade?

Cliff Fletcher: "Hey Darryl Sutter, Fletch here from Toronto. How are ya? Sorry about that game seven loss. Kipper really let you down. Speaking of goaltending, CuJo's a free agent so, uh, any, umm, any interest in Andrew Raycroft?"

Darryl Sutter: "Is this some kind of sick joke? Fuck off, Fletcher." *CLICK*

Cliff Fletcher: "Hey, George McPhee, Cliff Fletcher here. That was a great series, young man. A bright, bright future you got there in D.C. Looks like you're in the market for a back-up, any interest in, umm, Raycroft?"

George McPhee: "I need a back-up, Cliff, not a sack of shit."

Cliff Fletcher: "Oh, yeah, well, you're right. Thanks anyways." *CLICK*

Cliff Fletcher: "Hey, Garth Snow! Fletch from Toronto. Getting used to being a GM yet? No? Great. Listen, Dubie's a free agent, any interest in Andrew Ray..."

Garth Snow: "AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA"

Cliff Fletcher: "Is that a 'no', Garth?"

Garth Snow: "AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHHHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAA"

Cliff Fletcher: "I'll take that as a no. How about Bryan Mc..."

Garth Snow: *CLICK*

Cliff Fletcher: "Mike Gillis, congratulations on the new job in Vancouver. How about Andrew Raycroft to back-up Robby Luongo?"

Mike Gillis: "No."

Cliff Fletcher: *awkward silence*..."Please?"

Mike Gillis: "No."

Cliff Fletcher: "Can't you do me just this one solid?

Mike Gillis: "I don't even know you."

Cliff Fletcher: "I don't even want anything for him. Just take him."

Mike Gillis: "Gotta run!" *Click*

Apologies. I've gotten completely and ridiculously off-track. This isn't about Andrew Raycroft, it's about Brian Burke. And Cliff Fletcher. So, seriously, let's hand the reigns to Fletcher for one year, pray to God Burke doesn't sign an extension with the Ducks, and, if we have to, beg and plead for him to come to Toronto in April 2009.

Fletcher, and his right hand man Dougie Gilmour, had a close eye on the team post-JFJ. Clifford did what he could at the deadline, and had deals in place for those with the no-trade clauses in their contracts. Once the season ended, he maintained there would be significant changes to the roster. Let's let him make those changes. He's already kicked the tires on guys like Bryan McCabe, Pavel Kubina, and Darcy Tucker.

Right now my mind state is such that if I can't have Burke, I don't want anybody else. Well, other than Clifford, but he's already here. Oh you know what I mean: I'm willing to wait for Burkey.

And, who knows, if the Leafs do keep Fletcher around, perhaps he can take the time to show #93 Doug Gilmour the ropes. Maybe we might not need Burke then after all...