27 Outs: Toronto

The picture above comes to you courtesy of Fuck Yeah Toronto, who are absolutely correct when they say: "Because if you don't love Toronto, you probably have no soul."

Shall we?

1. Jose Bautista, the talk of the town, is on pace, after hitting another home run Sunday afternoon, to finish with 49 round-trippers. That would be two more than George Bell's team-record 47, way back in 1987. If JoBau does indeed set the new Blue Jays standard, his season will have to go down in memory as the most unexpected in Toronto sports history. I for one am delighted he wasn't moved, and is still a Toronto Blue Jay.

2. You know who doesn't get enough love? Pitching coach guru Bruce Walton. I'll be honest: I don't miss Brad Arnsberg at all. And I definitely thought I would.

3. I'm undecided, for his last home game as The Manager on Wednesday, September 29, between a simple, and to the point, "Thanks Cito" sign, or one that reads "CitoCity Forever."

4. I can't believe we're already in August. And you know what's going to suck about this month? The fact the Blue Jays have to face, in this order, the: New York Yankees, Tampa Bay Rays, Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Angels, Oakland A's, Red Sox, Yankees, Detroit Tigers, and Rays. As of today, the morning of August 2nd, none of those teams are under the .500 mark. The Angels are a game over, and the Tigers and A's are both 52-52. The month will be an interesting barometer moving forward, that's for sure.

5. The Houston Astros traded their Roy. And I imagine Astros fans are feeling like we did when we traded ours. Our condolences, National League friends; we know what you're going through.

6. I like to think that when both Philadelphia Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro and Yankees general manager Brian Cashman were dealing with the Astros, and making their respective deals for Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman, they were channeling their inner Clay Davis: "You think I have time to ask a man why he giving me money? Or where he gets his money from? I'll take any motherfucker's money if he givin' it away!" I'm not so sure I like this new baseball world, where money has to be traded in addition to the talents of the likes of Roy Halladay, Berkman, and Oswalt.

7. Want: Berkman to bomb in Yankees pinstripes. Nothing personal, just business.

8. Do not want: Alex Rodriguez to hit number 600 against Toronto.

9. If Jesse Litsch and Brian Tallet don't pitch for the Blue Jays in 2011, or ever again, I won't be mad.

10. Brett Wallace for Anthony Gose; the trade. A stunning example, when you consider it was a prospect-for-prospect trade, of how much blogs, and the internet in general, have changed the game. Wallace, who never played a game for the Toronto Blue Jays, was, the day he was dealt, already a household name. He was the "first-baseman of the future;" prospect porn of the highest order. The new Vivid star, so to speak. I saw him play, back in May, out in Las Vegas. He went 1-for-3 with a double, and a run scored. What impressed me most about Wallace, however, was his taste in music, choosing to walk up to bat to T.I.'s "I'm Back." We'll keep track of what he gets up to while we wait for Anthony Gose. The only 19-years-old and playing in A-ball Anthony Gose. The young man who has been compared to Carl Crawford. At the end of the day: I have complete faith in Alex Anthopoulos. He's already earned it, in his first season on the job. If Gose was his man, Gose is now my man. The higher the ceiling, the higher the reward.

11. A hearty thank you to my man @AnswerDave for this gem: #gosefacekillah.

12. Welcome back, Travis Snider. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

13. David Purcey pitched another scoreless inning Sunday afternoon. Yes, I did just use "David Purcey," "pitched," "another," and "scoreless inning" in the same sentence. Believe it. In 22.1 frames this season, the former first-round pick, drafted 16th overall in 2004, is sporting a tidy 1.61 ERA, and 0.94 WHIP. Yeah, the WHIP blows me away, too. I mean, it's Purcey. He's struck out 19, and hasn't walked a batter in his last six appearances. More impressive: his .207 BABIP (which he will no doubt have trouble maintaining), and 3.77 FIP. May he never start another ball game again.

14. Lyle Overbay's July numbers: .301/.369/.527, along with five home runs and 12 RsBI. And he hit .282, with a .378 OBP, in June, too. If he keeps this up, I have to believe Anthopoulos will at least make him an offer to stick around. After the type of season Adam Lind has had, I'm not sure how wise it would be to simply hand him the keys to first base.

15. If Overbay is a Blue Jay next season, here's what the 2010 team looks like to these eyes: Fred Lewis, Vernon Wells and Snider, left to right in the outfield. Overbay at first, Aaron Hill at second, Yunel Escobar at short, Bautista at third, Lind the designated hitter, and J.P. Arencibia behind the plate. (I doubt John Buck would agree to platoon, so Jose Molina could be brought back, even though he'd get a few too many at-bats for my liking.) Under the assumption that Hill and Lind learn how to hit again, I don't mind if Anthopoulos doesn't dip a toe into the free agency waters; I'm fine with the build from within, and through trades, philosophy. And while it will surely be an agonizing decision whether to remove Bautista's arm from the outfield, what other options does the team have?

16. Yunel Escobar certainly knows how to make a great first impression. In 14 games as a Blue Jay, he has swept a collective city off its feet.

17. Want to know what the guys on the farm are up to? Check out the latest from The Southpaw, in their Monthly Prospect Review for July.

18. The Ack's working this long weekend over at The Tao Of Stieb, and chimes in on Kyle Drabek, whom we all hope will never, ever pitch in the Pacific Coast League.

19. Switching gears, how bloody ironic is it when Hedo Turkoglu says the Toronto Raptors organization "has problems"? Or that "nobody wants to go to Toronto," a year after he hand-picked the place? Much like after watching him play for a year, all I could think after reading the Turkish wonder's comments was: That's the best he can do?

20. I own a Chris Bosh jersey. I plan to cover up the "SH" in BOSH with tape, and add a couple more Os using a marker. Yes: BOOO. I'm glad, though, that he came on Canadian television to clarify his comments about Toronto being "different." How else would I have figured out that Toronto is part of a whole other country that is not the United States? Thanks, Chris. Enjoy Miami. And it's waffles.

21. I can't believe I'm about to make this comparison, but Bryan Colangelo heading into the final season of his contract as Raptors general manager reminds me too much of John Ferguson Jr.'s final few months as general manager of the Maple Leafs. How the hell did it come to this? Either give him an extension, or replace him now.

22. Andrea Bargnani will, like me, not miss Chris Bosh, and have a monster 2010/2011.

23. Finally, the Leafs. The fucking Maple Leafs. A few people have recently tried to convince me that the three-year, $9 million contract Toronto generously signed Colby Armstrong with is not a bad one. These people are wrong. These people are idiots. Armstrong is nothing more than a third-line winger, and I'd pick Alexander Frolov, and Alexei Ponikarovsky, over him eight days of the week. Heart, and grit, and -- for the love of God -- truculence, do not score goals.

24. If the team doesn't kill penalties at a success rate of at least 80%, Ron Wilson should be fired. Seriously.

25. If the team finishes in the draft lottery, again, Brian Burke should be fired. And a 15-year-moratorium on trading first-round draft picks should be introduced.

26. The window through which Burke can trade Tomas Kaberle without his approval is set to close in less than two weeks. Tomas might make it, after all.

27. The Toronto Argos are ... Yeah, right.

Delhi Daze

My days in Delhi are numbered. For the past two weeks, I've done nothing but eat, drink, sleep, and watch cricket. Of course, I've also had a lot of time to reflect. And if I've learned anything at all over the past six months, including the past two weeks, it's that nothing ever goes according to plan. That no matter how many times you're thrown a curveball, and go down swinging like Vernon Wells, you've got to keep trying to make contact ...

1. To say that cricket-obsessed India has fallen in love with the Indian Premier League is a gross understatement. It's kind of a big deal out here; all IPL, all the time. And with the value of an IPL franchise set to soar to $500 million in the near future, making the league's next team more valuable than even the Toronto Maple Leafs, the world is beginning to take notice. As for me, I've fallen in love with cricket all over again, especially the Twenty20 format which, undoubtedly, is here to stay.

2. Delhi is my Indian hometown, which means I've thrown my support behind the Delhi Daredevils. The club opened the tournament with back-to-back wins; playoffs!!!1 But, true to form for any team I grant my exclusive fandom, they've dropped three in a row, including an utterly embarrassing loss to Mumbai by a ridiculous 98 runs. Luckily for Delhi, I'm about to say goodbye.

3. The rallying cry in the front office of the Toronto Raptors isn't "Playoffs!!!1" It's got to be "Playoff Revenue!!!1" One round's better than nothing, right?

4. If Andrea Bargnani is lazy, what does that make Hedo Turkoglu?

5. It is every Indian woman's responsibility to complain about her servant, maid, driver, and/or child care provider. While at the same time realizing that she couldn't survive without any one of them.

6. Seriously, my cousin asked me: "How do you survive without a servant?" Incredible India.

7. No pressure, Shaun Marcum.

8. If there's one thing I wish for more than anything else this baseball season, other than Vernon Wells winning the triple crown and MVP, it's that V-Dub walk up to home plate at the SkyDome to Soulja Boy's "Turn My Swag On."

9. In the fight to restore Wells' good name, this type of stuff from Jeff Blair really doesn't help:

"Turkoglu in particular is so abject and so low energy and has such awful body language that it is not a stretch to repeat the sneaking suspicion he is this franchise's Vernon Wells."

It's true. But it doesn't help. Let's just leave Wells out of it. Of the Joe Mauer contract extension discussion, too. Please and thanks.

10. Is Adeiny Hechevarria a Toronto Blue Jay or what?

11. I can't fight it anymore. Because it's official: "The Manager" is no longer named "Cito." From this day forward he shall be known only as "Clarence." Well done, Drew. I salute you.

12. Now that Jason Blake is no longer with us, I believe John Mitchell is the owner of the Maple Leafs' most impressive fist pump.

13. I've seen Dion Phaneuf play one game as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yet I'm proud to throw my support behind his bid for the vacant captaincy. Such is the power of a Garnet Exelby recommendation.

14. The curious case of Lee Stempniak: 11 goals in 61 games as a Maple Leaf last season. Fourteen goals in 62 games as a Maple Leaf this season. Suddenly, nine goals in nine games as a brand new Phoenix Coyote. I know he can't possibly keep up that pace, but it truly begs the question: what the fuck?

15. Martin St. Louis is tied for fourth in the NHL in scoring. Why does this shock me? Does it shock anyone else?

16. Five of the NHL's top 10 scorers are Canadian. Three of them - the aforementioned St. Louis, Steve Stamkos, and Brad Richards - didn't play for Team Canada at the Olympics. But second-guessing Steve Yzerman's roster would be pretty pointless now, wouldn't it? However, it's certainly obvious after the fact that Patrice Bergeron had absolutely zero business being in Vancouver.

17. Tuukka Rask is the owner of the league's best goals against average (2.08), and second-best save percentage (.928; .001 behind Ryan Miller). This was bound to happen.

18. If there is a God, Boston will not end up drafting Tyler Seguin or Taylor Hall.

19. Personal hygiene doesn't rank high on the average Indian's priority list. And that's cool; who am I to judge? But the smell of a jam-packed Delhi subway car on a day when the thermometer touches 40 degrees Celsius cannot be described, only experienced.

20. I'm officially templed out. You've seen one, you've seen them all.

The Land of Kings

I'm about set to depart Rajasthan, "The Land of Kings." My train leaves in two hours. Udaipur has been most pleasant; I prefer small-town India to the chaos of the big cities. Some sports and India related nuggets for you to chew on, before I head for the station ...

1. It hasn't gone unnoticed out here, by me at least, that the Toronto Blue Jays are playing .833 baseball, and tied for first place, so far in Grapefruit League action. I'm not going to say it, because it would be totally ridiculous, but you know I'm thinking it.

2. The smell of feces is far too commonplace, and far too acceptable, in India. But with cows, millions - it seems - of stray dogs, horses, mules, monkeys, goats, pigs, and the odd camel roaming around, I guess there isn't much anyone can do but accept the stench. Perhaps, after another month or two on the subcontinent, I too won't be bothered by the smell. But I doubt it.

3. In seven games for the Maple Leafs, J.S. Giguere is sporting a .917 save percentage. Boners abound!!1 But, since I've only watched him play one game, his first, you tell me: has Giggy played as well as that number above suggests? Or are his first two games in the blue and white, back-to-back shutouts, distorting the view?

4. I'm as liberal as they come. I believe marijuana should be legalized, and I'm all for gay marriage, and gay rights. But this one I don't quite get: heterosexual Indian men - best mates, let's say - who walk down the street holding hands. I'm talking really holding hands: fingers locked between each other's. Maybe it's me. Perhaps I'm just not that in tune with my sexuality, but the thought of holding hands with a male friend of mine while we walk down the street makes me slightly uncomfortable. I couldn't do it.

5. I see that the Toronto Raptors are tenuously holding on to their playoff position. You didn't think it was going to be easy, did you? Also: I haven't been keeping up to date with Chris Bosh's injury woes; just tell me it's got nothing to do with either of his knees.

6. Even Ian White would be jealous of some of the epic moustaches I've seen out here in Rajasthan.

7. Before the Toronto Blue Jays were Roy Halladay's team, they were Carlos Delgado's. Now that the Halladay years have been left behind for the history books, yes, the Blue Jays are Vernon Wells' team. He is the veteran in the club house. "The player" who has won the most accolades, and represented the Blue Jays at the most All-Star games. What's wrong with him coming out and saying it? Since when is confidence, and taking charge of the clubhouse in the spring, a bad thing? Nothing, absolutely nothing, would please me more than to come home to Toronto in June to fine Wells in the midst of one fine fucking season. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: I believe in Vernon Wells.

8. The average Indian has absolutely no qualms about belching, breaking wind, picking his nose, and, if a man, urinating in public. It's these cultural differences that I find amazing everytime I visit.

9. I just brought up the Toronto Maple Leafs' player stats page on Yahoo! Sports. In one month, Brian Burke traded the team's top scorers, three through eight: Alex Ponikarovsky, Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman, Lee Stempniak, Jason Blake, and Ian White. I'm not sure I've ever seen this type of mid-season roster upheaval. It's a good thing: the Leafs stink.

10. Based solely on reading what my fellow Leafs fans have been tweeting, I think I'm going to grow rather fond of Luca Caputi. And he's from Toronto. Local boy!!!1

11. Not enough people hate Matt Cooke. I fear that will remain the case even after his most recent display of douchebaggery.

12. A beggar approached my cousin and I a few days ago in Jaipur, asking for money. We politely lied and said we didn't have anything to give. As the beggar walked away, he called us "conjoose;" cheap. A bad day at the office, I guess. And a terrible begging strategy, if I must say so myself.

13. I saw a photo of Ponikarovsky celebrating a goal with Evgeni Malkin. Poni must feel like he's dead and gone to heaven.

14. There's an Indian singer in heavy rotation on MTV out here named Prince. He gets a million points for originality. As an entertainer, and even an athlete, it's all about the team around you; the people you surround yourself with. I remember reading Mario Lemieux's biography, and learning that, upon entering the NHL, he wanted to wear #99. He wanted to prove that he was in fact the greatest hockey player in the world. (Full disclosure: I'm on the Lemieux side of the Gretzky/Lemieux debate.) Mario's agent at the time, I believe, or someone close to him, told him the idea wasn't such a hot one. So Lemieux flipped #99 around, and wore #66. Personally, I think the NHL would be right to - as they did for The Great One - retire #66 league-wide. No one should ever be given the option to wear it again.

15. I'm going going, back back, to Delhi Delhi. Will hit you up from there.

Deep Thoughts

Public transportation. Where there's nothing but time to ponder ...

1. "I want to play for a contender" is all the vogue these days in professional sports. I can understand when Roy Halladay says it. Hell, that makes sense. Jamal Mayers? Not so much. I'm sure Brian Burke's phone is ringing off the hook now that word has leaked that Mayers and Garnet Exelby are officially available, with their agents exploring trade possibilities. Actually, we know that's not the case, otherwise Burke would be trying to make the trades himself. Anyway: good riddance. Whether it's now or via unrestricted free agency come the summer.

2. Can Brian Burke tell Jeff Finger and Jason Blake's agents to explore trade possibilities as well? Please? Pretty please?

3. Whose position would you rather be in: the pathetic Edmonton Oilers, first round pick in tow, and approximately $46 million in salary committed to only 13 players for next season, thanks to a ton of brutal contracts - Shawn Horcoff (20 points, -23) at a cap hit of $5.5 million through 2013/2014, Sheldon Souray at a cap hit of $5.4 million through 2011/2012, Steve Staios at $2.7 million through next season, and the injured, and old, Nik Khabibulin at $3.75 million through 2012/2013. Or the equally pathetic Toronto Maple Leafs, without their next two first round picks, but Phil Kessel, and approximately $34 million committed to 11 players for next season. You tell me.

4. I know; I can't bring up Edmonton's brutal contracts while not bringing up Blake's and Finger's. And at $2.9 million, Mikhail Grabovski might be overpaid as well. Bollocks!!1

5. And I can't ignore the fact the Oilers have Jordan Eberle in their system. Yeah, that guy who doesn't panic, even when destiny does. If Edmonton is blessed enough to draft Taylor Hall, the scales might be tipped, albeit slightly, in the Oil's favour.

6. Staying with Edmonton, they remain winless in 2010. Their best bet to change that might come on March 13th when they visit Toronto. It will be a night to remember.

7. Random thought: Seinfeld remains the greatest comedy sitcom ever written and produced. You may disagree, but you're wrong.

8. I took in the Chicago Blackhawks and Edmonton Oilers game a couple of nights ago on TSN. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane. Those kids are alright. And back-to-back first round lottery selections. Ha.

9. As a television hockey personality, anyone compared to P.J. Stock is articulate. Even Matthew Barnaby. And "articulate" is the last word I'd ever imagined labeling Barnaby.

10. The Hawks appear to be the real deal. If Chicago loses in the Stanley Cup final, they will only have Marian Hossa to blame. Could you imagine? As for Cristobal Huet, he doesn't strike you as a stand-on-his-head, playoff-type goalie, does he? Me neither. The Hawks need some insurance. It's a good thing the Leafs have a veteran goalie in Vesa Toskala, with an expiring contract whom they can explore trade possibilities for. It's a shame Burke will be laughed on the phone as soon as he mentions Toskala's name.

11. The Blackhawks have allowed an astonishingly low 25 power play goals so far this season. The Boston Bruins and Buffalo Sabres are even better: 23. Ron Wilson's Toronto Maple Leafs check in at 59. I'm sure the Leafs have allowed 23 power play goals in a month this season. I refuse to check; that's a little too depressing.

12. To add salt to the gaping wound this Leafs season has already wrought, the Ottawa Senators seemed to have legitimized themselves as a playoff team. They've won seven in a row, and are dominant on home ice. It pains me to admit it, but Brian Elliott has been more impressive than Jonas Gustavsson this season, and their workload has been about the same.

13. Francois Allaire? The Leafs clearly should have hired Eli Wilson.

14. A quick nugget on the Toronto Raptors: don't those Huskies jerseys look rather dashing?

15. Due to increasing and unrelenting comment spam, which I absolutely love to read on my BlackBerry, the comments section is back to being embedded below each post. If that doesn't get the terrorists to stop, I might be left with no choice but to employ the dreaded "word verification" system. Let's hope it doesn't get to that, folks. Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting.

Image courtesy, as usual, This Isn't Happiness.

Deep Thoughts: Monday. Again.

Another fucking Monday, to be exact. And it's back to the grind. Blimey.

1. Congratulations to Chris Bosh, the newly minted all-time leading scorer of our Toronto Raptors. While I've only recently accepted my true feelings for Vince Carter - the greatest Raptor ever - I refuse to label Bosh number two, or second best. Carter's 1A. Bosh, 1B. And if Bosh sticks around and leads the Raptors to playoff glory, he could eventually be 1A.

2. At 17-18, the Raptors are a game below .500. The glorified break-even mark has become the benchmark in this city. These days, anything above .500 is a bonus. For the Raptors, however, .500 may be good enough for the Eastern Conference's 5th seed. Playoffs!!1 In Toronto, we dream big.

3. With Canada leading Switzerland 1-0 after 20 minutes of their World Junior semifinal, I couldn't help shake the feeling that part of me was rooting for the underdog Swiss. Would you really have been upset if Canada lost? We are the number one hockey development nation in the world, regardless of whether we win this year's tournament. And imagine what a story it would have been, and what a boost for their hockey program, if the Swiss had somehow been able to pull it off. Here's hoping they go home with the bronze.

4. That being said, there won't be an inch of me rooting for the U.S. in Tuesday's gold medal game. Their hockey program can go to hell. And Jerry D'Amigo? Yes, please.

5. The Buffalo Bills are undefeated in 2010. Undefeated this decade. Playoffs!!1

6. These days, when a Toronto Maple Leafs forward gets hurt, it's frankly a bit exciting. With Mickey Grabs and Wayne Primeau out, who gets the call from the farm: Tyler Bozak? Christian Hanson? Ryan Hamilton? Andre Deveaux, the Marlies' leading scorer? It appears only one forward will be summoned, as John Mitchell is ready to return. And beacon of positivity, sunshine, rainbows, and lolipops - Damien Cox - tweeted that it won't be Bozak.

7. This is awful, but why can't Rickard Wallin get injured? Why can't Vesa Toskala have heart problems?

8. The Toronto Blue Jays will emerge victorious in the Aroldis Chapman sweepstakes. I've got a hunch, rooted in nothing but rampant homerism.

9. Nice to see Edwin Encarnacion in the news. Sure, it was because some fireworks went off in his face, but you know what they say: there's no such thing as bad publicity. From Deadspin:

"Encarnacion was setting off fireworks on New Year's with his family in the Dominican Republic, when his brother lit a rocket. It shot laterally instead of straight up, and Encarnacion's infielder instincts took over. He got in front of it, and knocked it down with his head."

You see, he can play the hot corner. He'll make us forget all about that Scott Rolen guy.

10. Speaking of our beloved Blue Jays, check out the recent entry "New Beginnings" over at Mop Up Duty, by renowned J.P. Ricciardi hater Callum Hughson. The crux of Callum's argument is that he prefers "homegrown" teams, ones full of drafted talent, developed and nurtured into winners, instead of teams put together by the mighty checkbook. Now, I love the homegrown stuff, if you know what I mean, but when it comes to my baseball team, I don't give a flying fadoo Bobcat how the Blue Jays are put together, as long as they win. In 1992 and 1993, when the Blue Jays ruled the baseball world, they, to quote one of my heroes George Costanza, " spent, baby!1" Highest payroll in the league. Luring to town free agents such as Jack Morris, Dave Stewart, Dave Winfield, and Paul Molitor. And I had no problems with how Toronto went about their business. None. Because they got the job done. And we'll forever have the pennants to prove it. Why do I hate the New York Yankees? Simple: jealousy. They've got an owner who spends everybody else into the ground. My team doesn't. That's it, that's all. Money doesn't ensure success - the Yankees won two world series in the 10 years we just completed. But in a league devoid of a salary cap, money always gives a number of teams a better shot than the Blue Jays.

11. Another point Callum brought up in the comments was that if I didn't care how the teams are put together, would I throw my support behind the Blue Jays if their roster was full of baseball's notorious douchebags: Jonathan Papelbon, A.J. Pierzynski, Joba Chamberlain, Sidney Ponson, Alex Rodriguez, Brett Myers, etc. The answer is: if they win, of course. As soon as a serial douchebag puts on a Toronto jersey, he becomes my douchebag. I hated Darcy Tucker before he became a Toronto Maple Leaf. Shayne Corson, too. Even Gary Roberts, a little bit. Dave Manson. Roger Clemens. Hell, I cheered for Bryan Marchment when he played in Toronto. I justified Tie Domi's douchebaggery in my head, on many occasions. I could go on. The point is: once "the player" represents a Toronto sports team, their past is forgiven and forgotten. It's irrational, but it works. If Chris Neil were a Maple Leaf, I'd probably cheer for him too. That's what being a fan is all about.

12. Brett Myers punched his wife. Joba's been busted for DUI. Make no mistake about it, I don't condone those actions. My fandom is about what they do on the baseball field, and only the baseball field. Athletes, especially people like Myers, Joba and, I don't know, that Tiger Woods guy, are not role models. They're the last people your kids should be looking up to, and it's your responsibility to make sure they don't.

13. I finished Jim Bouton's Ball Four Saturday evening. A wonderful read, and I highly recommend it. It hit me as the book, and Bouton's 1969 season, was winding down: Bouton essentially kept a blog, and made it into a book. In seven chapters, he has written daily entries chronicling his season with the Seattle Pilots and Houston Astros. Bouton was ahead of his time.

14. Little known fact: Jim Bouton co-invented Big League Chew, the greatest bubble gum ever manufactured. A large portion of my high school years were spent with a ridiculously large wad of Big League Chew in my mouth. Original flavour, of course. Those were good times. To this day, when I step on the diamond in the summertime, I prefer to do it while chewing on some BLC. It makes me feel more like the pro ballplayer I'll never be. Thanks, Jim Bouton.

15. I've celebrated the greatness that is commenter Handsome Tony Viner over at The Tao of Stieb before. No joke, his comments regularly have me laughing out loud. I leave you with his latest, from December 30 of last year. It's a beauty ...

You are ready to accept fifth place behind Baltimore, Darren? Your defeatism is pathetic. In my world you would be involved in a tragic helicopter accident just for speaking as such an absconder.

Look, I have been a little too busy to comment on the posts of this Tao lately, but I feel I must respond to all of this ridiculous negativity.

I have built a team that will win 85+ games in 2010, and stands a great chance of shocking the world with over 90. Sure, Doc is gone, Rolen is a distant memory, and Scutaro walked. But rest assured, I expropriated an agglomeration of assets from the teams that relieved me of their contracts, mainly due to my sexy, underhanded business practices.

Rolen will be a constant injury risk for the Reds, and I defrauded them of their most inimitable pitching prospect and two other, very useful players. Encarnacion will hit 30+ HR and Roenicke will post an ERA under 3.00 and a WHIP around 1.30.

Boston will regret handing me their second round pick, especially when Scutaro's true physical condition shows itself. I have seen the relevant medical reports on his heel, and that little louse Theo Epstien has not. I signed Alex Gonzalez for less than half of what that boor paid for Scutaro, and he will outperform him in every category in 2010-2011.

The Halladay trade was a ruse from the beginning. After it was clear that Roy would not re-sign here, due to his personal braggadocio and obvious need for attention from the US sports media, I set a trap for that addlepate Ruben Amaro Jr. It was sprung according to MY plan and on MY terms. I appropriated a future ace, a silver slugger and a future all-star catcher for basically one year of Halladay. Doc was a great pitcher, but he is too expensive, uncontrollable, and his decline is imminent indeed.

I am extremely smart, and uncompromisingly handsome. The true operational art of disingenuous, duplicitous, fallacious business dealing is lost on most of these baseball people, who have never been involved in a hostile takeover in Hong Kong or run an (illegal) mobile communications network monopoly, as I have.

If you want to deprecate, and expostulate about the immediate future of the team you love, you are barking up the wrong tree. This team will be a major force to be reckon with in 2010, nevermind in 2011 and beyond when we have only ~$40MM committed to payroll, and I commit upwards of $120MM on a yearly basis.

The moral of this little talk is this: You are just going to have to show some blind faith in my handsomeness, and smart, sexy business strategies.

Sincerely,

Handsome Tony Viner

Deep Thoughts: 5:00 am

In no particular order ...

1. Chris Chelios loves playing hockey. So much so that the 47-year-old refused to sign with an NHL team in a limited role, and chose to continue riding the bus in the minors. I used to hate Chelios. I don't really, anymore. Life is short. I like to think that if I was professional hockey player, and had a career that mirrored his, I'd be doing exactly what Chelios is doing. I hope he plays forever.

2. I have no plans to travel by air to the USA over the next little while. But I'm already looking forward to that security check. As someone with brown skin born in Kuwait City, it's going to be a hoot.

3. Fuck. Tomas. Plekanec. I traded him in my fantasy keeper league last season. For nothing. And he was one of my four keepers. After posting 69 points in 2007/2008, I figured he was ready to break out in 2008/2009. But he struggled. Put up only 39 points. And I, shockingly, showed remarkably little patience. Today he's seventh in league scoring with 44 points, and it physically hurts to see him sitting in the top-10. To add more misery to my life, a staggering 18 of his points have come on the power play - more points on the PP than Henrik Sedin, Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom and Dany Heatley. And you know what? I could have used those valuable power play fantasy points, instead of relying on the the Brian Rolstons, Cory Stillmans and Marco Sturms of the fantasy hockey world.

4. Speaking of my fantasy team, keeper Brad Boyes has one fewer goal than everyone's favourite Toronto Maple Leaf, and soon to be unrestricted free agent, Lee Stempniak. In his career, Boyes has registered seasons of 26, 17, 43 and 33 goals. He's on pace to finish his current campaign with 19. He needs to find his God damn equilibrium. Regardless, I'm in a pickle. Moving forward, do I keep him? As of today, my four best fantasy points performers are Sidney Crosby (1365 points), Tomas Vokoun (1031 points), Jamie Langenbrunner (855 points), and Brooks Laich (745 points). Laich's no keeper; he's been awful after getting off to a great start. I'm leaning towards keeping Matt Duchene; 24 points (630 pool points) as an 18-year-old is nothing to sneeze at. In conclusion: fuck both Boyes and Plekanec.

5. As I grow older, I care less and less about the NFL. And I'm totally at peace with this development.

6. Does Sidney Crosby still live at Mario Lemieux's place? I ask in all seriousness. Because if he does, he's not allowed to be captain of Team Canada. You must live in your own place to captain Team Canada. Enough's enough. Otherwise he'll never leave.

7. I'm sure you already noticed, but the Vernon Wells Hatred Advisory System has been lowered to GUARDED. He does yeoman's work in the community, and for those less privileged, and deserves some props for it. Look within your heart; you can learn to love Wells again. Just let him in. I have.

8. Does anyone know how much the Olympic Torch Relay costs? My attempts to find out (read: I googled it) have so far been unsuccessful. I understand the desire to unite this massive country behind the Vancouver games, but the whole production seems like a giant waste of money. And a giant waste of news time, too. I guess when the Olympics cost that much money, what's a few million more?

9. Have you seen highlights of Pat Quinn recently? He looks like he could use a scotch. A double. Coaching the Edmonton Oilers does not seem to be a lot of fun.

10. Inspired by MF37 at Bitter Leaf Fan Page, the best book I read in 2009 was, without a doubt, A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. The runner-up: Imperial Life in the Emerald City; Inside Iraq's Green Zone by Rajiv Chandrasekaran.

11. The sample size (15 games, 14 starts) is about half that of most starting NHL goalies, but Tuukka Rask's save percentage is a sterling .933. Vesa Toskala can't even dream a save percentage that impressive. It's looking more and more like the team that drafted Rask 21st overall in the 2005 draft - behind guys like Benoit Pouliot (4th overall), Glibert Brule (6th overall), Brian Lee (9th overall), Marek Zagrapan (13th overall), Sasha Pokulok (14th overall), Ryan O'Marra (15th overall), Alex Bourret (16th overall), Ryan Parent (18th overall), Jakuk Kindl (19th overall), and Kenndal McArdle (20th overall) - got a steal. Hey, Pat Quinn, pass the scotch.

12. It's amazing how quickly some of my fellow Leafs fans forget that Jason Blake had the second-best season of his career in 2008/2009. His career.

13. I wonder what the money line is on whether Janet Napolitano will resign ...

14. I enjoy watching Nazem Kadri play, but Canada's first two games at the World Junior Tournament were boring to watch. It's not Team Canada's fault. What are they supposed to do, not score? This one falls on the tournament organizers.

15. The Toronto Raptors have played more games than just about every other team in the NBA, but their 15-17 record has them in playoff position. The 6th seed, to be exact. Seed number three? The Orlando Magic. Vince Carter. Perhaps it's because I'm a glutton for punishment, but I want this to happen.

16. Who's your starter - Jose Calderon or Jarrett Jack? I still have faith in Jose. Although the Jack signing, with Calderon injured again, might be more important, at this point, than the Hedo Turkoglu signing.

17. Cheers, and Happy New Year. Thanks for reading in 2009. You'll never fully understand my gratitude. Here's to 2010 ...

Deep Thoughts: Monday

Excuse me while I to continue to explicitly rip off Elliotte Friedman. Although he certainly can't have been the first to list his thoughts. That was Peter King ...

1. The Toronto Raptors delighted the home crowd Sunday afternoon. Big games from Chris Bosh and Hedo Turkoglu. Minutes, energy, points and blocked shots from Sonny Weems and Pops Mensah-Bonsu. But it was Jarrett Jack who had me on my feet after he got in the face of Trevor Ariza, who swung and missed with a bitch-elbow targeted for the back of Demar DeRozan's head.

A Raptor. Standing up for his teammate. It was a sight to behold. I felt like a proud parent, even though I have no children, and have no influence in stopping the Raptors from playing like Goddamn choir boys.

Bless you, Jarrett Jack.

2. I hate Mondays.

3. Ladies and gentlemen, the Joey Gathright and John Buck eras in Toronto have begun. The Jose Bautista era isn't over just yet, and let's not forget about Raul Chavez; we're in for another year of snap-throws down to first.

What? You're not excited? Yeah, it's unfortunate as fuck that neither Buck or Gathright can get on base; career OBPs of .298 and .327, respectively. But, well, beggars can't be choosers. And the Toronto Blue Jays are definitely beggars. And sellers. Beggars and sellers.

4. My number one source for information on Dustin McGowan is the Blue Jays blogosphere. It's why I don't believe McGowan will ever pitch again. I want to believe. But it just isn't worth the emotional investment.

5. In honour of John Gibbons, Ted Lilly, and Shea Hillenbrand, I hope Cito Gaston and Jeremy Accardo come to blows. And here's hoping it's Accardo, by TKO, in the first round.

6. Great post by The Ack, the esteemed weekend editor over at The Tao of Stieb, about his desire for Doc to be traded "anywhere but the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States of America." He's right, but at the end of the day, if that's the best deal on the table, I'll learn to love Joe Saunders. And so will you.

7. The Ack brought up service time in his post, and how long guys are under team control. It got me thinking: the Jays have done a pretty good job of locking up their players - Alex Rios, Aaron Hill, Vernon Wells (don't start), even Roy Halladay. And I'm rather confident Adam Lind and Travis Snider will be added to that list.

When Paul Beeston says that money is available when the team needs it, I'm going to believe him. No, there's no briefcases full of stacks of crisp $100 bills for big-ticket free agents -- see Figgins, Chone and Bay, Jason -- but the checkbook is readily available when it comes to the cornerstones of the future; for the core: the Hills, Linds, Romeros and Sniders. And if one of those signings doesn't work out - HOLA ALEX!!!1 - so be it, that's life. Shit happens. "The player" gets his hands on crazy bank, and stops giving a fuck. Thankfully, there are other lunatic general managers out there to take your problems off your hands.

Think about it: if that money wasn't available, to lock up the team's budding stars, the Blue Jays would be the Florida Marlins. They'd be relatively competitive, and win a World Series every now and then. And this is my stop along this train of thought, because the end of the line is another bottle.

8. Continuing with the disappointment theme, I'll be honest with you: Tyler Myers is putting up the type of numbers in Buffalo I wish Luke Schenn was in Toronto. And guess what Myers was up to last season? You guessed it: playing in the WHL.

I'm by no means giving up on Luke Schenn. A trip upstairs in civvies is what he needed; what he deserved. He's looked lost in the defensive zone, doesn't fit the mold of a great-first-pass, puck-moving defenseman, and looks like he shoots the puck only a little harder than I do. My biggest worry is that this kid gets pigeon-holed into something he's not, and never lives up to sky-high expectations in Toronto. I'm worried that in the end we'll only be left disappointed. Other than a young kid who throws a great bodycheck every now and again -- yes, an important skill to have -- I'm not sure what Luke Schenn is.

9. In four games since being reinserted into the Maple Leafs lineup, Rickard Wallin has played 06:39, 10:24, 08:16, and 11:11 respectively. No points, of course. It's Wallin. My point is: why couldn't Jiri Tlusty have been given those minutes?

Granted, my definition of an adequate Tlusty tryout was 15 minutes a night in the NHL, but I'd have been happy with Wallin-type minutes. And we'd all be happier with Wallin out of the lineup. It was a win-win. The trade still doesn't make sense to me.

10. Why did no teammate of Tomas Kaberle come to his defense in the third period Saturday night, after Mike Green so rudely shoved him into the boards? Kaberle could have been killed!1 All Tomas could muster was a couple of shoves to Green's chest, because I'm sure he figured Mike Komisarek was going to help a brother out. A minute later, Kaberle was shown laughing on the bench, probably because he knew he could have ruined Green's life, but just didn't feel like it.

I don't know, maybe it's me. Did you see Green nail Kaberle? Wasn't it just a little, well, bullshit? Am I making too much of it? Am I pulling out the "Where were his teammates on that one?" card too often? You can let me know if I am.

11. I know I'm the leader of the Fire Ron Wilson brigade, but it hasn't gone unnoticed that he's shown a real knack for benching players at the right time. Last season, it was Tomas Kaberle and Jason Blake. This season Niklas Hagman and Matt Stajan. And it's worked. Those two have led Toronto's -- dare I call it? -- resurgence. Hopefully Schenn will respond in the same fashion.

It seems patience upstairs has prevailed. Wilson's in it for the long haul. He continues to set the tone; if you're not on board, enjoy the view.

My excuse? Stability. It frightens me. I'm simply not used to it anymore.

12. I was daydreaming about Phil Kessel at work a couple of days ago. It happens more often than I'd like. Anyway, my mind wandered, and I thought of Nik Antropov; it would have been neat to see the two of them play together. Antropov's playing with Ilya Kovalchuk, and producing: 25 points in 30 games.

Suddenly I stopped myself. Why isn't anything Matt Stajan does ever good enough for me?

After Saturday night's impressive performance, Stajan's got 25 points in 31 games. He's already tied his career-high of five power play goals. Of centres who have taken more than 500 faceoffs this season, Stajan ranks ninth in the league at 52.4%.

An unrestricted free agent next season, I want Stajan to stick around. And that's the best compliment I can give him.

Contemplation

Let’s get right down to business, shall we?

1. I took in Thursday night’s Toronto Bills/New York Jets tilt at the trusty SkyDome. I wasn’t planning on attending, but at the last minute found two tickets matching my asking price of $free. The building was packed, and loud. Let nobody tell you otherwise. Not as loud as Ralph Wilson Stadium down in Buffalo, but, well, we’re Canadians. Civilized.

2. Without tailgating, the experience in Toronto will never be like the experience in Buffalo. It will never be drunk enough. Period. I have, unfortunately, seen with my own eyes grown men relieve themselves in the sink in the men’s washroom at the Ralph. Think about that for a second. Peeing. In the sink. Where most regular human beings wash their hands. So let’s stop comparing the Toronto experience with the Buffalo experience, please and thanks.

3. Just last week, I was spewing on and on to a friend of mine about the “authentic” NFL experience down in Buffalo, where the faithful brave the elements to watch their heroes on the gridiron. Well, I’ve had a change of heart. Fuck authenticity. Who wants to sit outside and watch two terrible football teams go at it on a cold and windy December evening? Not fucking me. I’m rather partial to the lid on the SkyDome, thank you very much. I’d rather be toasty, not layered, and not freezing my tail off while I enjoy my grossly overpriced beer.

4. The Bills are fucking awful. Downright painful to watch. Ten first downs, all game. Two forays into the Red Zone, all game. The opposite of efficient on third downs: 1-11. A despicable 36 total yards in the second half. You know, it’s only right that they are ours, even if for only one week a season. Welcome home, Buffalo Bills.

5. “Shout!!1”, the Bills anthem, never gets old. It’s rather amazing.

6. As per my luck, I found myself seated among a row of New York Jets fans. They were mostly good people, except for one Manhattaner, who happened to be a New York Giants fan. He of course brought up the 1991 Super Bowl, but couldn’t remember who missed the infamous field goal. And because I’m a complete fucking idiot, and a gentleman, I helped him out: “Scott Norwood.” For the rest of the night, I was taunted with “Scott Nohhhwood!!! Wide-right!!! Nohhhwood!!!” Even in the washroom, while minding my own business at the urinal, I was subjected to “Nohhhwood, mother fucker!!!” It’s come to this. Bills fans can’t even take a leak without being reminded of the worst of their many humiliations.

7. If you Google “wide right,” the wikipedia entry to Norwood’s missed 47-yard field goal is the first result. That hurts. I was only nine-years-old when it happened, but I’ll never, ever forget Scott Norwood’s name.

8. I wonder what Scott Norwood is up to these days. I wonder if he’s still in therapy. I wonder, when the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl next year, if he’ll have his own Bill Buckner-Boston Red Sox moment. I’d love to see that. I’d love for Norwood to know that all is forgiven.

9. Is there a scarier Yahoo! Sports profile picture than Marshawn Lynch’s? There can’t be.

10. Moving on, Joey MacDonald now has as many wins as Vesa Toskala: one. And a .903 save percentage. Considering the Leafs will have paid Toskala upwards of $8 million by the time this season is over, as well as the fact that he is untradeable, was the deal to acquire Toskala and Mark Bell worse than Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft? Was it John Ferguson Jr.’s worst?

11. Jiri Tlusty, whom I had the highest of high hopes for, is no longer a Toronto Maple Leaf. According to Brian Burke: “[Tlusty] did not seem able to do it, despite many opportunities, in a Leafs uniform.” Really? Apart from his rookie season, Tlusty played 14 games in the NHL last season, and two games this season. In those 16 games, Tlusty played more than 15 minutes once: the 2008 season opener in Detroit. Some opportunity. Tlusty, after more than 100 games in the AHL, is a point-per-game player. He’s a helluva lot closer to regular NHL action than “the player” (long-live J.P. Ricciardi) Carolina sent Toronto’s way in return. Therefore, I cannot justify this trade. And don’t give me that “stage fright” bullshit. I don't buy it. This is a kid who sent pictures of his Tlusty to a woman on the internet, and who had the story blow over in Toronto. Having gone through that, I think he might have been fine. I would have liked more of an audition. But it’s all neither here nor there, now. Philippe Paradis, welcome to paradise.

12. Mikhail Grabovski: 18 points. Montreal’s $7,357,143 man Scott Gomez: 14 points. Discuss.

13. Phil Kessel is on pace for 46 goals. He’s also on pace to send the Leafs to the playoffs (!!!1).

14. I’m going to miss yelling “Marco!!1” …(pause)… “Scutaro!!1” at Blue Jays games next season. Here’s hoping Scoots’ 2009 was truly an “outlier” season, and that he’s an utter failure in Boston. Nothing personal, just business.

15. The Red Sox guaranteeing Scutaro $13.5 million is either a bold move, with Theo Epstein recognizing that Scutaro finally got his chance and is a premier shortstop in the American League, or a sign of a team with very, very, very deep pockets. I'll let you come to your own conclusions on which side of that coin I fall. (Hint: fuck the Red Sox and their deep pockets.)

16. If you’re not familiar with the stylings of commenter “Handsome Tony Viner” at The Tao of Stieb, you ought to be. He uses words like "pulchritudinous," and is making the off-season almost enjoyable, the inevitable Roy Halladay trade, Alex Gonzalez and all. In Tony Viner's handsome ways I do trust.

17. A "Roy Halladay Wants Out of Toronto" story drops every few days. We get it. It's not news anymore, regardless of who the new source is; in this case, J.P. Ricciardi. But my man J.P. did offer this gem: "I personally think, move the player and move on because the player is going to leave." And he's right. Miss you, J.P.

18. Imagine Hedo Turkoglu doesn't hit that shot in overtime, and the Raptors go on to lose in Washington. Would it have been enough to fire Jay Triano? I wonder, and will never know.

Deep Thoughts

Inspired by Elliotte Friedman's "30 thoughts," here are some of my own. (Kiss my ass, originality.)

1. When it's all said and done for Jason Blake, I hope he donates his brain to science so we, as a people, can better understand some of his on-ice decisions. I've spent the better part of two seasons defending Blake's play and salary - his salary, not the length of his contract - but even I know where to draw the line. The fact that he's on pace for eight goals, with still two seasons left on his deal, makes it difficult to fall asleep at night.

2. What, exactly, does Luke Schenn do well? He's by no means fleet of foot, has nothing that resembles an NHL-caliber slap and/or wrist shot, doesn't move the puck exceptionally well, and has looked lost in the defensive zone on far too many occasions this season. I know he's no Drew Doughty, who put up excellent offensive numbers with the Guelph Storm, and I shouldn't compare the two of them, but are my expectations for Schenn out of touch for a guy the Maple Leafs traded up to draft, and selected fifth overall?

3. When Phil Kessel sets up shop on his off-wing on the power play, he reminds me of Mats Sundin. This warms my heart.

4. Has there been a more snake-bitten Maple Leaf forward this season than Nikolai Kulemin? He seems quicker on his feet, and is a solid forechecker, but three goals through 18 games is nothing but disappointing.

5. According to Jeff Blair, "John Mitchell looks like he's flat-lined into a fourth-line player." I want to argue, but I can't.

6. In the soul-crushing years post-lockout, I've allowed my expectations for certain young Maple Leafs defensemen to reach absolutely ridiculous levels. I led myself to believe that guys like Jay Harrison, Staffan Kronwall, Brendan Bell, Anton Stralman, Jaime Sifers, and even Andy Wozniewski, were credible NHL defensemen, destined for stardom, whom the Leafs found Detroit-style in the draft. Add Carl Gunnarsson's name to that list.

7. I'm not sure why, or when, it happened, but Lee Stempniak has become a favourite.

8. Speaking of Stempniak, Carlo Colaiacovo has already missed nine games this young season. Shocking.

9. Fire Ron Wilson. Hire Wayne Gretzky. He may not be the best coach out there, but he was destined to be a Maple Leaf one day.

10. The Maple Leafs consistently outwork their opponents. They outshoot their opponents 61-21. (And still lose.) So, does anybody else wish Gary Roberts would shut the fuck up?

11. Tomas Kaberle is one of the finest defenseman, and point-producers, to ever play for the Maple Leafs. My man crush on #15 borders on the twisted. But in another life, I'd love to see him play centre.

12. It was a lot easier to hate on the Leafs when one of the inmates, John Ferguson Jr., was running the asylum. While the Brian Burke era is still in its infancy, there's something deeply, deeply disturbing about the fact this team has won four of 22 games.

13. Christian Hanson is producing at a point-per-game pace down on the farm. Alex Foster was just named the American Hockey League's player of the week. Yet if anyone gets the call, I hope it's Jiri Tlusty. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I need him to succeed at the NHL level. And for the sake of my quickly deteriorating mental health, it must happen this season.

14. If the Chicago Blackhawks aren't willing to include a second-round draft pick in any Brent Sopel related deal with Toronto, and assign him to the minors, and he refuses to report, what happens to his salary vis-a-vis the cap?

15. As a fan, there's no worse feeling than when the Leafs lose to the New York Islanders. I believe Brian Burke had "truculence" confused with "suckulence." (ZING!!!1)

16. I wonder if Niklas Hagman regrets signing with Toronto. I hope he doesn't, but I would. Hagman's a treat to watch, and an absolute steal at $3 million a season.

17. Not Leafs related, but it's disrespectful to power forwards worldwide when Guillame Latendresse is called one.

18. How does Elliotte Friedman come up with 30 of these?

19. I once met Elliotte Friedman. At Cowboys in Calgary. He was super inebriated. Like any good journalist should be.

20. I hate @DHSpeedwagon. He is pure evil.

21. The Leafs have picked up four points in their last three games. That's .666 hockey. Playoffs!!1

Deep Thoughts: FML

I gave Argentinian Juan Martin del Potro zero chance of defeating Roger Federer. I figured Federer, owner of the U.S. Open, would take the final in straight sets.

When I think of Federer, I think of the saying: "the relentless pursuit of perfection." And I want him not to deviate from that path. I want him to be perfect. I want him to be, without a doubt, the best tennis player to have ever played the game. While in every other scenario as a fan I cheer for the underdog, I find it impossible not to root for Roger Federer. It shouldn't, and it sounds rather juvenile, but it sucks when he loses.

Here's hoping he takes the Aussie. Greatest Tennis Player of All-Time. GTPAT ...

You can add last night's ridiculous Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots Monday nighter to the list of Bills-related nightmares I suffer from. Some night's it's Scott Norwood's "wide right." Other nights, Troy Aikman. Sometimes Emmitt Smith makes an appearance. One of the worst is a trip down "Music City Miracle" lane. Even the 2007 Monday night epic failure at home to Dallas stings in ways it probably shouldn't.

It's amazing how many different ways the Bills have found to kick their collective fan base in the nuts. And each time hurts just as much, if not more, than the one before it.

Growing up, a young eyebleaf and his older brother became Bills supporters because two of our best friends (the same age as big bro and I, and our respective tennis doubles partners) had family in Buffalo, and were fans by proxy. Without a home team to cheer for (sorry Boatmen), we hopped along for the ride. Who knew it would be so tragic?

Thankfully those four Super Bowl losses happened when I was nine through 12 years old. Little time, and emotion, had been invested then. Imagine, now, watching the Toronto Maple Leafs lose four straight times in the Stanley Cup Final? I'm not sure I'd ever recover.

There aren't many people in this world whom I'd wish Buffalo Bills fandom upon. It's not the best way to live. I hate you today, Leodis McKelvin. And you too, Tom Brady ...

The Toronto Blue Jays. Those bastards. Unfortunately, they're still playing. And you knew you could count on them to blow a 5-2 lead, and add to an already miserable Monday night.

You know why people are sick to death of this team? You know why nobody is showing up at the SkyDome? Because Brian Wolfe has pitched 12.1 innings this season, while Jeremy Accardo has pitched only six and two-thirds more. That's bullshit, plain and simple. And there is no excuse. There can't be for not be fielding the best possible team, night in and night out.

Errors be damned, Marco Scutaro is still the man. Yeah, he fucked up last night. Yeah, his .770 August OPS and .598 September OPS aren't exactly worthy of phone calls home. But he'll have to mail it in a lot worse than that for me to start taking away from what he's been able to accomplish in 2009.

The Blue Jays cannot play out the stretch soon enough. If you're not depressed enough, read the most recent from Jeff Blair.

I don't know about you, but I'm doing my best to forget this season ever happened. I'm looking towards the future. Stay tuned, either late today, or Wednesday morning, for a Q&A between 2009 Blue Jays third-round draft pick Jake Marisnick and the few, the proud, the Blue Jays blogosphere.

Deep Thoughts

Chris Bosh isn't signing an extension with the Raptors this summer. If you're surprised, you're probably not very bright. He wants to be a free agent, and he wants a max contract. I can't blame him. I'd want the same.

I'm not exactly a basketball aficionado. I don't know much, but I do know that Bosh is not worth $130 million over six years. I can't imagine Bryan Colangelo thinks he is, either.

Whether he's traded this summer or departs via free agency, Bosh will go do down as the second-best Raptor ever. It's been swell, CB4.

More importantly, who should replace Boshosauras in the Sports And The City banner? Calderon and his three-ball salute, or the emotionless Andrea Bargnani? ...

Typical Toronto Blue Jays: light up the best pitcher in baseball, Zack Grienke, then get owned by Luke Hochevar.

You know we're in June when even I begin to question The Cito. Trailing 5-2 in the bottom of the 7th inning, with runners on second and third, why not bring in Scott Rolen to pinch hit for Raul Chavez? Sure, Chavez homered earlier in the game, but I'm about as confident in his bat as I am in Vernon Wells as a cleanup hitter. And it's not like Rolen needed the rest; he didn't play on Wednesday, either.

I'm beginning to think that Scott Richmond's penchant for one brutal inning per start might have him sent to the bullpen or, worse, down to Las Vegas. Canada hasn't won a game since May 3. And because everyone and their mother has had a chance to pitch for the Jays this season, I imagine Fabio Castro or Brad Mills will get a shot soon enough ...

Interesting post last night from The Globe and Mail's Robert MacLeod on Rios-Gate. When the Jays announced that Rios would be making a statement - apologizing - on the field before yesterday's game, MacLeod said: "Several reporters were not even yet aware what Rios had done." Clearly, those reporters weren't on Twitter and/or on the blogs, which were buzzing about Rios' vocabulary all Friday afternoon. The power of the blogosphere ...

Doc's on the mound tomorrow. If you need me, I'll be at the Rogers Centre ...

UPDATE: TFC continues to suck. I guess they're just trying to fit in.

Deep Thoughts: The Franchise

Travis Snider's two home runs moon shots are still on their way to Winnipeg. I'm sure my good friends Dave and The Ack will let me know when they arrive. The baseball world is beginning to take notice of Sniderman. You know what I love about him? His home run trot. Stay classy, young man ...

One through six in the order (Scutaro, Hill, Rios, Wells, Lind and Rolen), no Toronto Blue Jay is batting less than .300. That Cito Gaston guy can really put together a lineup, eh? ...

Speaking of Marco Scutaro, he leads the league in runs scored and can be the starting shortstop, and leadoff hitter, on my team any day of the week. Viva Scutaro. Viva Venuezela ...

B.J. Ryan threw 12 pitches yesterday; eleven for strikes. That's the B.J. we know. The B.J. we love. Nails? Nails! And I'm sure Brad Arnsberg had something to do with it. "In Arnsberg We Trust" ...

Kevin SLOWey certainly lived up to his name last night, didn't he? Prick ...

I know Jesse Litsch's injury is forearm related but, seriously, would it have killed him to come into camp pink and efficient, but a little less rotund? I'm already feeling like he took his opportunity in 2009 for granted ...

In last night's eighth inning, Scott Downs allowed a leadoff double, and followed with a wild pitch. With none out and a man on third base, he proceeded to strike out the side, like the uber set-up man he is. Did you enjoy his tiny display of emotion after the fact? I sure as hell did. I heart Snakeface. What a hero ...

The Jays are in first place. The Boston Red Sox are in the basement. You're damned right I'm enjoying this ...

Pennant ...

Deep Thoughts ...

It's getting to the point where the fine folks at MLSE might be better served finding a goalie through Monster, or Workopolis. After three games, Toronto FC's Stefan Frei and Greg Sutton leave me wanting more. And I'm usually easily satisfied. Also, you know how I said Brian "Binos" Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs should re-sign Martin Gerber? Abort mission. What I meant was that they shouldn't re-sign Gerber. Because he, too, sucks ...

Look, I know comparing the Leafs to the Boston Bruins, defensively, is certifiably ridiculous. But Toronto allowed 14 goals over the weekend. Fourteen. That's about eight percent of all the goals Boston has surrendered this season (181). Eight percent. In two games. The Leafs have fished the puck out of their net 106 more times than Boston this season. And I'm going crazy because of it ...

The Toronto Raptors' chances of making the playoffs (!!!!1) were officially squashed on Sunday. Thanks to the Knickerbockers. At home, no less. A formality, sure; but it still hurts. The drink of choice to celebrate this momentous occasion? Sapporo ...

Wait, more on the Raptors. If Bryan Colangelo re-signs Shawn Marion, and Pops Mensah-Bonsu, is anyone else willing to give this group of five - Jose Calderon (healthy), Anthony Parker, Marion, Chris Bosh, and Andrea Bargnani - a mulligan? You know I am. Yes, I have issues ...

Check out what Lord Blair has to say about Mikhail Grabovski Mickey Grabs. Kid's a keeper ...

Speaking of Mr. Blair, add him, Stephen Brunt, Jordan Bastian, and Big League Stew's 'Duk to the list of people who are wrong about the 2009 Toronto Blue Jays. Bastian and 'Duk both have the Jays finishing last in the AL East, and Blair thinks "only the Baltimore Orioles are preventing the Jays from being the worst team in the league." I love those guys, and enjoy their work. You should too. And I'm also sure they all thought a youthful 2008 Tampa Bay rotation of James Shields, Edwin Jackson, Andy Sonnanstine, Scott Kazmir, and Matt Garza would propel the DEVIL Rays to the pennant ...

I caught the tail end of a Sportsnet feature on Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, of The Million Dollar Arm fame. Make sure you check it out. About the fairer sex, one of Singh and Patel, I'm not even sure which, had this gem to say: "American women are very dangerous. They want money." ...

Baseball's back, baby. It's a glorious day ...

Deep Thoughts Vol. 17: Sorry, Michel...

I'm not sure what it is about the Pittsburgh Penguins, but they sure as hell bring out the best in our Toronto Maple Leafs, don't they?

Including Saturday night's dominant ass-kicking, the Leafs ended up taking three of four from the Pens this season. That's six points Therrien and co. left on the table. Against the Maple Leafs. Six points that I believe, in the end, cost Michel Therrien his job.

Sorry, Pens fans. And Pens bloggers. The Leafs didn't mean to drive the final nail into the Therrien coffin. Frankly, I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did.

As a coming-out-of-the-closet Pens fan, I think Dan Bylsma for Therrien is a good move. The Penguins are too talented a squad to miss the playoffs. Period. There's a lot of hockey left to play, and the Pens are only five points out of eighth, and seven points out of fifth, in the Eastern Conference. I'm not worried. The Pens are making the playoffs. ComeBackCity2009.

And, for the record, I may or may not be the owner of a Penguins jersey. And I may or may not have found it in the depths of a closet at my parents' place over the weekend...

Jason Blake and the Fist Pump

Back to my first and true love, the Leafs (don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise).

I had a George Costanza moment in the third period of Saturday night's game. After my hero Jason Blake scored his second goal, an absolute beauty, in only 19 seconds, to put the Leafs up 3-2, my right arm involuntarily fist-pumped. It just happened. I didn't realize it until after the fact. And it freaked me the fuck out.

But deep down, I kind of enjoyed it. And I want it to happen again.

Speaking of #55, isn't he just a dear? So much so that even ardent Blake-hater Down Goes Brown is coming around. And if DGB is beginning to see the light, you know Blake truly is playing out of his mind.

John Ferguson Jr.'s Greatest Move

His name is Dominic Moore. He's got 38 points in 56 games, including a team-leading 27 assists. His career high in points, prior to this season, was 18, back in 2005/2006 when he was a New York Ranger.

Moore's been nothing short of a revelation, and has found chemistry alongside the fist-pumping wonder, Blake.

Picked up off the waiver wire, Moore hands down represents JFJ's finest hour (it was a looooong hour). He's making only $900 K, and is scheduled to become an unrestricted free agent come July 1st.

Here's hoping Brian Burke doesn't let it get to that point. Moore may be somewhat of an attractive commodity come trade deadline day, but I'd rather the Leafs get his autograph on a new contract. There's something to be said for a guy who works his tail off every night and is able to shed the label of "defensive specialist."

Moore's good people. A Toronto boy. He'll be 29 in August. He can surely teach some of the younger Leafs a thing or two, especially in the faceoff circle. Even during a rebuild, I believe Moore's proven he's the type of guy you want to have stick around.

Deep Thoughts Vol. 7: All-Star Edition

The midsummer classic is upon us once again, which means half the excruciatingly long baseball season is already over. Which also means it's time for some deep thoughts. On the local nine, and the rest of the major's.

- If yesterday was indeed a trade showcase, A.J. Burnett did the Blue Jays a huge solid. He dominated the NY Yankees, whom even Jesus apparently hates, Halladay style, while taking the mound on only three days rest and a hard pitch count. It was a most clutch performance, and if it was his last in a Toronto uni, he sure as hell went out on top.

Believe it or not, Burnett's got 10 wins, good for third in the American League (he's tied with six others). That's more than guys like Josh Beckett, Justin Verlander, Mark Buehrle, Chien-Ming Wang, Felix Hernandez, John Lackey, and Eric Bedard. I know, a bunch of those cats have spent time on the disabled list, but that's the point. A.J.'s healthy, and he's winning games.

With Dustin McGowan on the shelf with a torn rotator cuff, perhaps J.P. Ricciardi, or "Godcciardi" as sager from at Out Of Left Field calls him, should think twice about dealing the enigmatic A.J.

Shaun Marcum's still a couple of weeks away from joining the rotation, McGowan's out for the foreseeable future (if not the rest of the season), and Jesse Litsch is doing his best Josh Towers impression the last little while. Dealing Burnett would really, well, fuck up the rotation. After yesterday's performance, I'm all for keeping A.J.

Yes, that's all it took, one gem against the Yankees on three days rest...

- Toronto heads into the all-star break nine games out of first in the AL East, and 8.5 behind Tampa Bay for the wild card. About a week and a half ago, the Jays were 14 games behind in the AL East. This season is not over. We're going to need A.J. more than ever down the stretch. Seriously J.P., don't trade him. He's fun to watch. It's always a pleasure wondering which A.J. will show up every fifth day...

- The real Tampa Bay Devil Rays are back in the building, and it's about fucking time. They've lost seven in a row, and saw the Red Sox take back first place yesterday. All is right in the world once again, my friends...

- The Jays are 12-9 since Cito Gaston and co. made their return to the dugout. That's .570 baseball. I'll take it, but they'll have to play even better - actually, much better - if they want to make a run at the playoffs...

- Remember, all I want from the Jays this season is meaningful baseball in September. That doesn't mean a playoff appearance...

- Cito's goal was to have the Jays at .500 by the all-star break. They missed by one game: 47-48. Considering the boys took five out of six against the Orioles and Yankees, and that Litsch was spotted a 4-1 lead against the Yanks on Saturday which he blew, I'll take it...

- Gaston is a rudey...

- If the Jays played in the National League's West division, their 47-48 record would be good for, you guessed it, first place. Stupid geographical divisions...

- Much has been made of Toronto's 15-21 record in one-run ball games. Yes, it's bad, but we've got nothing on the Atlanta Braves, who are 5-22 in games decided by only a run. Yikes...

- The Chicago Cubs, playing .600 ball, are the best team in baseball. It's been exactly 100 years since they last won the World Series (and I thought we Leafs fans had it bad). Could this finally be their year?...

- The Jays have hit 65 home runs this season, good for 29th in the 30 team league. At the all-star break last season, the Jays had hit 101 home runs. A little power outage, please...

- Toronto's team ERA of 3.63 is third-best in the American League and in all of baseball. The pitching has been phenomenal all season long. It's really a damn shame these lads can't hit because, wow, what a pitching staff...

- Baltimore's Aubrey Huff has more home runs (18) than Alex Rios (4), Lyle Overbay (6), and Scott Rolen (6) combined. With two to fucking spare. Unreal...

- The Jays are the only team in the American League without a home run hitter in double figures. Vernon Wells and Matt Stairs lead the team with 9 jacks each...

- This post is depressing...

- While his power numbers are way, way, way, way, way, down, Alex Rios is running crazy on the basepaths. He's already swiped 23 bags, good for fifth in the AL, and should be aiming for 40. Pure thievery! Run to your hearts content, Alex. God knows the Jays need to manufacture as many runs as humanly possible...

- Tampa Bay is 16 games above .500...

- Seriously. Tampa Bay. Sixteen games. Above .500...

- Remember Eric Hinske? Of course you do. The Tampa Bay "slugger" has 14 home runs, 45 RsBI, and an .873 OPS. No Blue Jay, save for Vernon Wells and his 42 RsBI, comes close to those numbers. Eric fucking Hinske. I can't help but look down and shake my head in complete disgust...

- Not to make excuses, but injuries have fucked with the Jays, again, this year. Here's a rundown of guys who have spent time on the disabled list: B.J. Ryan, Jeremy Accardo, Scott Rolen, Vernon Wells (twice), David Eckstein, John McDonald, Brian Wolfe, Aaron Hill, Gregg Zaun, and Shaun Marcum. That ain't right...

- As much as Doc deserves to start tomorrow's all-star game, I think with it being in Yankee Stadium and all, Mariano Rivera should do the honour. That would be pretty sweet...

- I'm calling Canadian Justin Morneau to win tonight's home run derby. That short porch in right field is going to be his bitch...