Stealing Home: Mass(hole) Appeal

Fenway Park. She remains as I left her: a fantastic place to watch a ball game. Read all about my visit to one of the Meccas of baseball, and what I have to say about the "Massholes," at GlobeSports.com.

Up next on #TBRTOAL, Washington, D.C., and Baltimore.

Stealing Home: Back to Boston

Three years ago to the day, I visited Fenway Park for the first time.

Read all about what happened that night, and what I'm looking forward to seeing Thursday night, at GlobeSports.com.

Tainted

I'm a few days late to the party, but I hope you don't mind me weighing in on Thursday's most "juicy" revelation:

David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez being outed for steroid use, in the same year, is sweet, poetic justice after years of rampant Masshole douchebaggery.

Asterisk that shit.

Until May 29th, Massholes

Look at that, the Blue Jays are still in first place; still playing .600 baseball.

The Red Sox? I hate to channel my inner Dennis Green, but those bastards are who we thought they were.

Yet despite the sweep, it wasn't all bad. 

Brian Tallet gave Cito a quality start in Fenway Park, and Brett Cecil and Bobby Ray learned valuable lessons in defeat. 

The bullpen? Lights out. No Toronto reliever allowed a run. In nine innings of work spread over the three game set, a committee of Jason Frasor, B.J. Ryan, Shawn Camp, Brian Wolfe, Brandon League and Jesse Carlson allowed only seven hits while striking out 12, and walking only two.

Rejoice, Red Sox Nation. Revel in the fact that your beloved BoSox defeated Tallet, who before April 18 last started a game back in 2006, and two rookies fresh from the minors.

While the Jays weren't able to score runs, they sure did hit the ball. Toronto's offence pounded out 25 hits over the last two games, and left 29 men on base in the series, including 12 last night. The big hit simply remained elusive. When you live by the long ball, some nights you die by the long ball. That's the beauty of baseball.

See you next week, at our house, Massholes.

And we'll see you, young Travis Snider, in about a month.

Required Reading:

Over at The Mockingbird, check out the calls Jon Lester got last night from home plate umpire Marvin Hudson. Shocking.

Viva Scutaro

Every now and then, I get something right. It's rare, but it does actually happen. Here's what I wrote back in December, when rumours of Rafael Furcal becoming a Blue Jay were flying around, and when some in the Jays' blogosphere were questioning Marco Scutaro's spot on the team ...

Rafael Furcal? It's possible. Although I still don't think Marco Scutaro at shortstop is what's wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays.

What I was insinuating, of course, was that a) there's nothing wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays, and b) 41 games into the season Scutaro would arguably be the most productive shortstop in all of baseball.

Scoots has walked an impressive 35 times, tops in the Majors. (Derek Jeter, for example, has taken a free pass only 16 times.) Scutaro also leads the Majors in runs scored, with 36, and his 20 RsBI are good for second in the American League among shortstops.

All this while playing flawless defense in 348.2 innings on the field. He's the only shortstop in baseball yet to make an error.

John McDonald who?

Brooms

Even the baseball Gods are shining down upon the Blue Jays. A four game set against the Chicago White Sox, and Toronto missed Mark Buehrle. You know what that means: brooms!1

In between Roy Halladay's start on Sunday, we blessed Jays fans were treated to a combined 21 innings from Brett Cecil, Robert Ray and Scott Richmond, in which they allowed only 14 hits and three earned runs. If that doesn't get you aroused, this should: on May 18, 2008, the Blue Jays' pitching staff, which would go on to be the best in baseball last year, had allowed 181 runs. On May 19, 2009, the Jays have allowed 174 runs, and have scored a whopping 60 more. 

Oh yeah, Halladay won the AL Player of the Week award. If he cared, I might, too.

Off to Boston

A big series, one in which the kids Cecil and Ray will get their first taste of Fenway Park. No Doc, but I've got faith. Here's hoping the offense makes the short porch out in left field its bitch, and gives the kids some support.

Sure, it's still early, but there's a sense of satisfaction about heading down to the Massholes' natural environment as the hunted, rather than the hunter.

Remember, I hate the Boston Red Sox. You should, too.

Those obnoxious, annoying Blue Jays fans

I like Jeff Passan. Enjoy his work. Been reading him ever since he joined Yahoo! Sports. But Passan doesn't feel the same way about me, or us. He thinks we - Toronto Blue Jays fans - are obnoxious, annoying homers.

About a month ago, while travelling the internetz, I stopped by a live chat being run by the fine folks at Big League Stew. Cliff Lee was the topic of conversation at the time and, as I involuntarily do whenever I read or hear Cliff Lee's name, I commented that Roy Halladay, and certainly not Lee, should have won the 2008 American League Cy Young Award.

That was enough to set off Passan. Here's what he had to say:

"I have a feeling that if the Blue Jays are ever good again, they're going to give Red Sox fans a run for their obnoxious money.

"I love Roy Halladay -- picked him to win the CY this year -- but come on. How can you make that argument?

"I'm just saying: Toronto fans are tremendously parochial, to the point that it becomes annoying. They are funny and cool and I'd definitely love to drink a beer with them, but their homerism is way over the top."

It's been a few weeks - I am arguably the world's greatest procrastinator - but allow me to respond.

Well, Mr. Passan, the Jays are good again. And while I'm the last person in Toronto to argue a charge of over-the-top homerism, to say that Blue Jays fans could ever be as obnoxious as the Massholes is flat-out fucking ridiculous. That's a whole other level of douchebaggery.

Oh yeah, Halladay. Look, Doc faced the Boston Red Sox, Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays, and New York Yankees a combined 16 times last season. Six starts against New York, and five each against Boston and Tampa Bay. Cliff Lee faced those three teams four times. One start against Boston, one against New York, and two versus Tampa Bay. The only team Lee faced five times last season: the 75-87 Kansas City Royals.

I know the schedule is largely to blame, but that's why I can make that argument, Mr. Passan. Because that disparity has got to mean something.

But it's all good. The beer's on me, Passan. Enough about 2008, and Cliff Lee.

How about Brian Tallet? The much maligned J.P. Ricciardi has somehow put together an embarrassment of riches on the mound for the Blue Jays, and you probably won't find him getting much credit for it.

With guys like Casey Janssen and Ricky Romero set to return in a week or so, and Jesse Litsch not far behind, questions abound. Such as: how the fuck do you return Tallet to the bullpen?

And while I hate to overlook the second edition of Cecil Time this afternoon, Tuesday night looms large: Roy Halladay vs. A.J. Burnett. 

Be there. I need not say more.

UPDATE: I lied, I do have more to say. As bklades pointed out in the comments, and I fully agree with him, when it comes to Jays fans, pessimism reigns supreme.  Most casual fans are just waiting for this Jays team to struggle so they can say "I told you so!" Some advice: if you're going to depart the bandwagon, do so quietly. And use the door at the back, assholes.

Praying for a Chicago Bulls victory ...

... because Boston's sports fans need to come down off their mighty, self-created perch.

Ain't nothing like a game seven.

Go Bulls.

H/T Ball Don't Lie.

I still hate the Boston Red Sox

The champagne was on ice. The plastic sheets were up all over my apartment. I even had my goggles ready to go. Then the Boston Red Sox, left for dead, came back. Massholes everywhere rejoiced.

It wasn't supposed to go down like that.

Trailing 7-0 in the 7th inning, it looked like the Red Sox were going to fade quietly into the night. Watching the game on television I swear I'd never heard Fenway Park so quiet. I was revelling in the fact that the Massholes - those unlovable, incorrigible, "we are entitled to every pro sports championship in the world" douchebags - were going to watch the Tampa Bay Rays win the pennant on their turf. Nothing was going to have been better.

Well, talk about the sports fan's equivalent of premature ejaculation.

I should have known. The Boston Red Sox never fade quietly into the night. I'm still having a hard time believing they managed to come back against the mighty Rays' bullpen, with their backs up against the wall to boot. It was high drama. Then again, these are the Red Sox. These are, even sans Manny Ramirez, the defending World Series champions. Jeff Blair of The Globe and Mail, also known as the finest baseball writer on the planet, was kind enough to point out that Boston has won eight ALCS elimination games in a row, and nine of 10 overall. Pardon my French, but that's fucking ridiculous.

Can the BoSox do it again, and pull off another miracle comeback? I can't put it past them. I won't lie, I'm worried about the Rays. They're a bunch of kids, after all. What happened Thursday night, especially Evan Longoria's error in the bottom of the ninth, has the potential to propel the Red Sox back to the World Series.

As much as I do hate the Boston Red Sox, and I really, really do, it's got to be one hell of a joyride being on that bandwagon. From the highest highs to the lowest lows and then back again. Sort of like the Dow Jones.

Before I forget, I want to take this opportunity to point out just how fickle the Massholes, and the MSM that cover the Red Sox, collectively are. I want to show you just how loyal "Red Sox Nation" really is. With their most clutch hitter, and arguably one of the most clutch hitters ever, David Ortiz scuffling at the plate, his nick-name went from "Big Papi" to "Big Popup." You know that Ortiz guy? He was kind of, just kind of, instrumental in bringing a couple of titles to Boston. Of course, after his home run two nights ago, Ortiz is back to having his cock sucked by the Massholes.

It gets better. The "Nation" has turned on their beloved Captain, Jason Varitek, booing him and his pathetic .115 post-season batting average. Varitek's shit. I know it, you know it, and we all know it. In fact, we've all known it for a while. But now the Massholes stop defending him? Really? Now? When he needs their support the most? Classy bunch of fans over there in Boston, man, real classy.

Tonight at the Trop it's going to be Josh Beckett vs. James Shields. Tampa Bay will try to clinch the pennant at home, in front of their oh so loyal fan base who have stuck by the team through thin and, well, thinner. Yes, all eleven people who comprise the "oh so loyal fan base" will be in attendance and, let me tell you, they can't wait.

Speaking of Beckett, he has not looked like the Mr. October he normally is but, in typical Red Sox fashion, I'm expecting him to throw an absolute gem. Maybe he can tear a page out of Curt Schilling's book and paint his sock red. Fake blood worked like a charm the first time around.

For the Rays to win, Shields needs to go pitch-for-pitch with Beckett, and the middle of the Rays' lineup has to be just as good as it was on Thursday. Most importantly, though, the Rays to a man need to forget about the debacle that ended up being Thursday night.

Make it happen Tampa. Please. No doubt the majority of this city's baseball fans are cheering for you. For the love of God and all humanity, make the Boston Red Sox and the Massholes go away, even if it is just for a few months.

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.

My Heart Hurts

Sigh.

I don't know if you caught yesterday's game, but all I have to say about it is this: Matt Stairs was safe. The home plate umpire blew the call in the sixth inning, and it cost the Blue Jays the game. Fuck you, Angel Campos.

That one hurt, man. The whole series hurt. Boston strolled into town and took two out of three, in a series the Jays absolutely had to sweep win, leaving the locals eight games out of the wild card spot with only 32 games left on the schedule.

As Mike Wilner so depressingly points out, the Jays need a miracle of biblical proportions to finish with 90 wins on the year. They need to go 23-9 down the stretch, and even 90 wins won't guarantee they'll make the playoffs. For all intents and purposes, we're done, I know. But, technically, we've still got a chance. We've still got a pulse. However faint.

I went to all three games over the weekend at the Cable Box. I'm all Massholed out, for real. They were everywhere. On the subway. On the street. In front of me in line for some street meat. Massholes as far as the eye could see, all weekend long. In their Pedroia, Youkilis, Ortiz, Beckett, Dice-K, and Varitek t-shirts and jerseys. And I'll admit it, they were loud. They are a vocal and obnoxious bunch.

In terms of the team I most love to hate, the Boston Red Sox have most definitely surpassed the New York Yankees. I'll take Yankees fans any of the day of the week. Fuck the Red Sox. I don't want to see another Masshole for a long, long time.

Boston holds a one game lead over Minnesota for the wild card. While it's all but assured that the Jays will miss the post-season for the 15th consecutive year (I just threw up in my mouth), I'm looking forward to September and a month of playing spoiler. There's a good chance the wild card winner can come out of the Central Division, and I hope the Jays do everything in their power to make sure both the Yankees and Red Sox miss the playoffs. If we're going down, we might as well take the douchebags down with us.

Even though the universe may explode if the Tampa Bay Rays - the Tampa Bay fucking Devil Rays! - are the only team to qualify for the post-season out of the uber-competitive AL East division, nothing would make me happier than for both the Evil Douchebag Empires to miss the playoffs.

Go Jays. Yes, still.

North of Steeles Heading South

Before I get to the point, suck on that, Massholes.

So, Shaun Marcum's heading down to the 'Cuse. Can't say I understand this one, especially since we're trotting out borderline first-round bust David Purcey every five days. Even with his recent control problems, amongst starting pitchers Marcum's second on the team in ERA (3.60) behind Doc.

Mike Wilner, in all his blogging greatness, says it might have more to do with Marcum's attitude than his mechanics. Regardless of the reasons, John Parrish is back with the big boys and will take Marcum's spot in the rotation for the time being. Parrish over Marcum? Really? No, I can't support this move. Not right now. We're a game or two from being completely out of the race, and the paper thin back end of our rotation just got even thinner. Brutal.

Check out what my man The Ack, who handles weekend editing duties over at The Tao of Stieb, has to say on the subject. I think he's more perplexed than I am, and I can't blame him.

Anyway, should be a beauty of a rubber match this afternoon. Dice-K vs. A.J. The Jays need this one. Bad.

God Damn Boston Red Sox

Fuck.

And there were way, way, too many Massholes at the Cable Box last night, particularly one middle-aged thullard three seats to my left. BoSox Uncle didn't stop chirping, or drinking, all night. "Zaun never gets on!" Hilarious.

Massholes; they're downright insufferable.

Scoring Runs Is Fun

Another 14 runs. Another 20+ hit game. Twenty-one last night, to be exact. More importantly, another win for the Blue Jays. I don't know about you, but I could get used to this type of offence.

I'm tempted to yet again ask where these guys have been all season long, but, well, Sidney Ponson was on the mound for the Yankees yesterday. Sorry, Sir Sidney Ponson. You know things are desperate down in the Bronx when Ponson is part of the rotation. And, get this, Carl Pavano is starting on Saturday. Carl fucking Pavano! I didn't even know he was still alive, let alone still under contract and pitching.

Prediction: Pavano gets his ass handed to him on Saturday, and is never heard from again.

Even though they faced Ponson and a Yankees committee of garbage relievers, full marks to the Jays offence. They finally gave Roy Halladay some God damn run support. Joey Inglett, Marco Scutaro, Alex Rios and Adam Lind went a combined 14-for-22, scoring 11 runs and driving home eight.

Lind continues to bring smiles, and erections, to the Jays faithful. As for Inglett, what do you think, has he played well enough to be given a shot at second base next season (with Aaron Hill moving to short)? I'm leaning towards saying yes. His .308 batting average in 83 games is impressive, and he's been solid out in the field as well. He's most definitely filled in admirably for Hill. The final month of the season is going to be an important one for him.

As for Doc, win number 15 went in the bag last night. Him and his BFF A.J. Burnett have a nice little battle going on for most wins on the team. They've got 31 between the two of them, and have finally become the dominant 1-2 punch we envisioned they would be three years ago.

J.P. Ricciardi was busy yesterday as well, picking up Jose Bautista off the scrap heap from the Pittsburgh Pirates. It speaks incredible volumes about the Jays offence when a guy who's let go by Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh! - has more home runs in 2008, 12, than any Blue Jay. That is so immensely sad, but I guess it just goes to show how dominating the Jays pitching staff - both the rotation and the bullpen - has been this season. The arms are the reason why we're five games above .500, and the reason why I'm still dreaming about the wild card.

I mean, even Melvin fucking Mora has 95 RsBI. Rios leads the Jays with 58. Bautista has 44. It truly is amazing we're still in this thing.

Here come the Boston Red Sox, and I'm sure a contingent of Massholes to the city with them. Seven games back, I'm going to keep it real: nothing but a sweep will do.

I'm So Excited And I Just Can't Hide It

I'm beginning to get super excited about the 2008 Toronto Blue Jays. Sure, the uber-long baseball season is only six games old, but it seems there's something different about this Jays team.

It's true, folks - I'm thinking playoffs. Yes, Already. I've got visions of a pennant dancing in my head.

After playing well in the season-opening series against the New York Yankees but winning only one of three in the Bronx, the Jays came home and swept the road-weary Boston Red Sox right out of town. It was a statement sweep. A "we aren't going to finish third in the AL East" sweep. And I'm pumped up about it.

I was at the home opener on Friday night. It was a doozy. The Rogers Centre was full and the alcohol was certainly flowing. There were half-assed streakers, a few Massholes, and a ton of fights. Up in the 500 level where I was seated, Jays fans were even fighting each other. It was pretty ridiculous. The Jays fans-on-Jays fans violence has to stop.

Anyway, I'm tickled with excitement about the pitching staff. It has come as advertised: one of the best in the American League. Through six games, the Blue Jays sport a team ERA of 2.94. Only the Oakland A's and Kansas City Royals have been better on the mound and, well, we all know that ain't going to last.

To a man, the rotation has been solid. AJ Burnett was downright filthy in his start against New York, as was Dustin McGowan. Shaun Marcum, except for one bad pitch to JD Drew in the opener on Friday night, cut through the Red Sox lineup with disregard, striking out eight while only allowing three hits in seven innings. Even Jesse Litsch contributed. He battled against the Red Sox, gave up two runs in five innings of work and ended up getting the win on Saturday. What more do you want from your fifth starter?

If I'd have told you that Roy Halladay would have given up 15 hits in 15 innings of work in his first two starts, including four home runs, and the Jays would be 4-and-2 after six games against the two Evil Empire's, I think you'd be pretty pleased. I am, especially knowing that even when Doc isn't at the top of his game, the Jays can still pull out a victory.

The Jays have gotten quality starts almost across the board and when the bullpen has had to come in, they've been lights out. Brian Wolfe is the only reliever who's surrendered a run, and that came against New York. In 13 innings of relief the bullpen has allowed only that single run, while striking out 10. And we haven't even seen Brandon League yet.

Are you beginning to see why I'm excited?

The boys are hitting as well. After a sluggish start in New York, Toronto scored 23 runs in three games against Boston. Frank Thomas was the catalyst. He had an absolute monster series and finished with eight RBI.

I'm stoked about big Frank. He hit the game winning double in Friday's home opener, a two-run bomb to dead centre on Saturday afternoon, and added a grand slam in Sunday's series finale. And he looked about excited doing it as I am right now. His eight RBI now lead the American League.

Thomas already looks more comfortable in a Toronto uniform than he did last year, and is taking on more of a leadership role with the team. There was some serious fist-pumpage after his huge double on Friday night and upon entering the dugout after his grand slam on Sunday, Thomas was clearly emotional. He even got a curtain call, and I'm starting to see why those damn Yankee fans love it so much. It was pretty sweet.

Alex Rios and Aaron Hill have picked up where they left off last season, and it's hard not to be excited about their recent contract signings. They're both locked up for years to come and while the future in Toronto is certainly bright, I'm starting to believe that the future is now.

Vernon Wells isn't off to one of his no-no-no-notoriously bad starts, Marco Scutaro has been a pleasant addition and David Eckstein is one hard working dude. Who else sprints to first base on a walk?

And in a tell-tale sign that injuries may not wreak havoc on this team any more than they already have (knock on wood; I'm serious, do it), both John McDonald and Wells were able to stay in the game after a scary collision in centre field on Sunday.

Toronto, at 4-and-2, finds itself one game behind the American League leading Baltimore Orioles. Go ahead, take a second and have a good laugh over that one. It's not often you'll read "Baltimore Orioles" and "American League leading" in the same sentence. If there's ever been a sure bet in life, it's that the Orioles will not win the AL East.

But I digress. What makes Toronto's impressive start all the more encouraging is that the Jays have managed to do all of this without BJ Ryan and Scott Rolen, two very important pieces of the puzzle. I get giddy thinking what this team is going to be like when the two return.

Don't believe me when I tell you I'm excited? While the Jays were completing their sweep of the Red Sox on Sunday afternoon, I, along with my brother and two friends, purchased a 20-game Blue Jays tickets flex pack. But that's not all. Taking a page out of JP Ricciardi's book, we back-ended the flex pack, and bought seats to all the games versus the Red Sox and Yankees at home in September. Why? Because we smell a pennant race. This, my friends, is the year the Toronto Blue Jays return to the MLB playoffs.

In honour of the title of this post, and the Blue Jays' boner-inducing play early on this season, I leave you with a video from my youth. The video first of all proves that everything is available on YouTube. Secondly, it has a lot to do with my relationship with the Toronto Blue Jays, and the Toronto Maple Leafs as well, and the belief that they will make the playoffs every single year. It starts with a whole lot of excitement, leads to substance abuse, and culminates in one major breakdown. Enjoy!