Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes

You've got to love Shaquille O'Neal. The Big Aristotle has always been quite the character and it turns out he was rather pleased with the result of the NBA Finals. Shaq was on the mic at a club in New York and, much to my delight, took some shots at his old Lakers pal Kobe Bryant in one god-awful freestyle. Check it out:



Worst. Freestyle. Ever.

Shaq's famous for a lot of reasons. He's a great basketball player. OK, he was a great basketball player. Clearly, father time has caught up to him. He's also famous for being one of the worst actors, ever (Kazaam, anyone?). Shaq is also famous for being one of the worst rappers, ever. And now, to add to his stellar collection, the title of worst freestyler, ever.

As horrendous as that freestyle was, I still found it utterly enjoyable. It's always easy to enjoy something that is so freakishly terrible, and it's always fun to see Shaq take shots at Kobe. Hell, their feud from a couple of years ago even has it's own Wikipedia entry. I guess all is not forgiven and forgotten. I'm sure Kobe Bryant is still stinging from losing the NBA championship to the Boston Celtics, and Shaq's exploits on the mic aren't going to make him feel any better. It just goes to show: everyone hates Kobe.

Other than the golden "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes" line, my favourite bit from that garbage would have to be:

"He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil,
I don't do that, cuz my name Shaquille.
I love em, I don't leave em,
I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em!"

Shaq will never, ever, ever, be confused with a lyrical genius, but well done, Diesel, well done.

"Anything Is Possible"

In the end, it wasn't even close. Led by the new "Big Three," the Boston Celtics, after obliterating the L.A. Lakers 131-92, are NBA champions for the 17th time.

After 26 gruelling playoff games, the Celtics were rightly and deservedly crowned. Not even the sting of the city of Boston winning yet another professional sports title could ruin the moment.

I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the beating Boston laid down on Kobe Bryant and his teammates to seal the deal. Sure, it was rather anti-climactic seeing as the game was over at half-time, but I hate Kobe, and I took a certain amount of pleasure in watching Bryant and his teammates get their asses handed to them in the biggest game of their lives.

Kobe and company did their best impersonation of Toronto Raptors defensive basketball last night, and it was impressive, you know, in that really pathetic Raptors sort of way. The Celtics scored, and scored at will, racking up 58 points in the first half, and a staggering 73 in the second half.

Boston also dominated on the glass. The Lakers' effort on the boards would have made the Raptors squirm, and that tells you something. Boston out-rebounded L.A. 48-29. In a telling statistic of who simply wanted it more, the Celtics picked up 14 offensive boards, while L.A. responded with two.

On the flip side, it was a most impressive defensive performance by the Celtics. Textbook Doc Rivers basketball. Once again, Kobe Bryant was rendered ineffective (so were his teammates), scoring 22 points on 7-of-22 shooting from the floor, and only getting to the line five times. Turnovers killed the Lakers, and Bryant was stripped on numerous occasions.

Kobe started the game 4-of-5 from the floor. Then, much to my delight, it all fell apart. He was 3-of-17 the rest of the way. When the Lakers needed him the most, Kobe did not - could not - deliver. It proves, once and for all, that Bryant is nothing without Shaquille O'Neal. No Shaq, no title.

But last night wasn't about Kobe and his douchebaggery. It was about Kevin Garnett, and his dream of winning an NBA title. It was about Paul Pierce, his sacrifice, and all the tough times he went through in Boston. It was about Ray Allen, and his extreme humility. It was about a once-proud Celtics franchise that won only 24 games last season and finished second last in the Association. It was about the ghost of Red Auerbach, who passed away in 2006. It was about the culmination of the remarkable journey from worst to first. It was about never giving up.

As a die-hard supporter of the Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Blue Jays, Kevin Garnett's words during his emotional post-game interview, as he looked up to the heavens with tears in his eyes, resonated strongly with me: "Anything is possible."

Amen, brother.

He's All Grown Up

In 2004, Access Magazine called Chris Bosh a "reluctant superstar." In April 2007, just last year, Bosh was called "a reluctant self-promoter" by the one and only New York Times. Oh my, how times have changed.

Bosh is all grown up. He's a superstar, and he's not afraid to let people know it. If appearing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno as a guest correspondent means you have arrived, well, Bosh has arrived.

CB4 parlayed his recent internet video fame into the NBA Finals gig with Leno and company, and here's how it went:



I wasn't a big fan of his last video, but I'm giving this one two thumbs up. It was pretty hilarious when Kobe Bryant laid a quasi bitch slap to the back of Bosh's neck, and Glen "Big Baby" Davis knows way too much about Sex And The City.

In all seriousness, Bosh looked comfortable behind the mic on a pretty big stage. He's a great basketball player and someone basketball fans, and NBA officials, outside of Toronto need to pay more attention to. The man is marketable. He's got a personality and he's not a thullard like a lot of other cats in the NBA. No drugs, no guns, no wife-beatage, no rape accusations, nothing. He's clean.

Hopefully Bosh's star continues to rise. And let the curse of the Celtics begin! After they finish off Kobe and the Lakers, of course.

Celtic Pride

Kevin Garnett is one intense motha sucka. The Big Ticket, along with his pals Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, are off to the NBA finals. Lakers and Celtics, baby! It don't get much better than that.

It's difficult, and embarrassing, to believe that I actually thought the Toronto Raptors would be a better team than the Boston Celtics this season. It's difficult, and embarrassing, to believe that I actually thought the Raptors would finish higher than the Celtics in the standings and win the Atlantic Division.

It's one thing to be a homer - and that I most certainly am - but it's another to be a complete idiot. And that, clearly, I am as well. But it's not like this is a first. I've been wrong many times before, and I suspect the trend will continue.

Anyway, I've always been a big Garnett fan. He is everything I want Chris Bosh to eventually become. Now that the Detroit Pistons are out of the way, KG is off to the finals for the first time, and I'm rooting for his Celtics. Not because the ungrateful city of Boston needs to celebrate another championship, but because the Celtics have been awful for a long, long time. And because KG deserves a ring. Along with Pierce. And Allen too. These guys have paid their dues.

Oh, and also because I hate Kobe Bryant. No, like really hate him. He is the ultimate douchebag.