I don't get it ...

I turned 27 yesterday. I'm at that point in my life where I'm grappling, rather unsuccessfully, with life's bigger questions. Will the Toronto Blue Jays make the playoffs again? Will the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup during my lifetime? One question gnaws at my very being: why don't kids curve the brims of their hats? Perhaps I'm getting old. Perhaps I'm out of touch with high fashion. But this one flies right over my head.

I've always been a hat guy. When my older brother told me, upon entering high school, that hats could be worn in the halls, and in class, I knew that high school was where I wanted to be. Forever. I was the moron who took his grade nine and grade 10 yearbook photos wearing a ballcap.

I wore Seattle Mariners, Houston Astros, Colorado Avalanche, Toronto Maple Leafs, Nike, and, yes, even New York Yankees hats. I was young. Impressionable. I wish I could say I was experimenting with heavy drugs when I donned Yankee blue, but I've got no excuse. I find comfort in the fact that I wear Blue Jays colours, and only Blue Jays colours, now, in adulthood.

My point is, no matter what logo I rocked, the brim was curved. Always. I was known as the best brim curver in the land. Children marveled at the epicly curved brims on my hats. And that was before I discovered the Perfect Curve, which became my androstenedione. While my skills were on the decline, all I had to do was spend $4.50 USD and have my work done for me.

I missed the memo. I had to have. Because I just don't get it. I can't comprehend the flatness. I can't wrap my head around the flamboyant, over-the-top designs. It ain't right.

Look, I've been there. I wore the oversized clothes. My pants weren't falling off my ass, but sure, they were riding lower than they probably should have been. And I'll be the first to admit that, to this day, I wear my hat very slightly cocked to the side. I can't explain it. It just happened. You can take me out of Scarborough, but you can't take Scarborough out of me. But the brim remains, as it always has been, curved. As it is rightfully meant to be.

Less is more. For the love of God, take the tags and stickers off your hat. You're supposed to. And curve the brim. It's the way God wanted your hat to be.

No Longer the GBOAT

It was one thing for Scott Rolen to ask for a trade back to the Midwest. Family reasons? Fine. I understand that. Even though mere months separated Rolen from free agency, family comes first.

It's another to learn (from Mike Wilner, via his "extremely trustworthy in-uniform Jays source") that Rolen was a negative in the clubhouse, constantly complained about being a Toronto Blue Jay, and didn't hide his desire to leave Toronto, and Canada.

I'm no traditionalist, and perhaps my expectations are a little old school, but that's the last way I'd expect a veteran like Rolen to behave. It's unsettling. And disappointing. Frankly, it's bullshit, especially when you consider how much he was supported by the die-hards.

Sure, he hit .320, and played sublime defence. And, sure, I'm bitter about the way this season has unraveled. But Rolen's lost all currency with me. No longer will I refer to him as the "Greatest Blue Jay of All Time."

Financial Flexibility FTW

I found the silence among Jays fans, and in the Jays blogosphere, in response to Tampa Bay trading salary dumping Scott Kazmir to Los Angeles to be rather, well, loud.

Imagine that; a team in the AL East, this one nine games above .500 and only six games back of the Wild Card, trading a high-priced player for, yes, a couple of prospects, but above all else, financial flexibility. While they're in a playoff race!1

And this, the same Tampa Bay Rays team that everyone said "figured out" how to win in baseball's toughest division on a minuscule budget.

Figured it out, my ass.

The Airing of Grievances

The Blue Jays are nine and a half games out of a playoff spot. So why the fuck did last night's loss sting so bad? Forget "Playoffs!!1", the new rallying cry should be ".500!!1"

Lyle Overbay's my boy. I've been a staunch supporter of the man who swatted 46 doubles, and put up a career high .880 OPS, in his first season with Toronto, back in 2006. But the pride of Centralia, Washington messed up last night. Look at that picture; he knows it. When it comes to Loverbay, his defense is usually reliable, and I'm rather enamored by his impressive .375 OBP; he's one patient cat. But the fact that he hasn't driven in a single God damn run in the month of July - 14 games - really irks me. Hitting wise, I'm beginning to think that 2006 was an anomaly. I don't see Overbay ever coming close to 92 RsBI again. (This is where I start drinking.)

Honestly, I'm tired of wondering, and bitching and moaning about, why Vernon Wells is hitting third, or fourth, in this lineup. Southpaw on the mound be damned. His .685 OPS in the three-hole is the lowest of any spot he's been placed in the batting order. His .287 OBP from the same spot is downright laughable. (Wells' .309 OBP, overall, and .523 OPS at the SkyDome, makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Repeatedly.) While V-Dub's scored 53 runs, good for second on the team, the earliest he should be batting is sixth. Hell, put him eighth. Definitely not third. I don't know what the fuck Cito Gaston is thinking sometimes. I love the guy, but his lineup antics have him well on his way to overstaying his welcome. (You know I'm frustrated when I'm sitting in the basement taking shots at The Cito.)

Can someone pretty please explain why Kevin Millar is still playing, let alone on this team at all? He's clearly cut from the same cloth as Brevonn Mencherstewart. Here are his monthly OPS numbers: April: .909; May: .647; June: .598; July: .526. I'm not the brightest mother fucker around, but does anyone else notice a trend? This team is two games below .500, with rookie after rookie throwing on the mound every night, and still employing Millar? Fuck off. Fuck a "clubhouse guy." Release his ass, Ricciardi. Free Travis Snider. For the love of God, free AAA All-Star Randy Ruiz, he of these statistics down in Vegas: 95 games played, 21 home runs, 85 RsBI, 227 total bases, .394 OBP, and .985 OPS.

I miss Gregg Zuan. Yeah, I said it. Rod Barajas is OK, it's just that I don't believe any Major League Baseball player should have an on-base percentage below .300. It's unacceptable. Rod's coming in at .283, with an OPS of .685. Quite pathetic. Quite. Back in 2004, 2005, and 2007, when Zaunie played over 100 games for our Blue Jays, he put up OPS numbers of .761 (.367 OBP), .729 (.355 OBP), and .752 (.341 OBP) respectively. Respectable, at the very least. To put it in perspective, in those three years mentioned (2004, 2005, and 2007), Zaun walked 171 times. In his entire MLB career, spanning 763 games, Barajas has walked 135 times. These will be, I hope, your last couple of months of watching The Captain behind the plate. Enjoy them.

Back on July 1st, 2008, Dustin "Fuck Off" Parkes, of Drunk Jays Fans fame, put together a Blue Jays YouTube montage to the tune This Year, by The Mountain Goats. The 2008 Jays were floundering near the .500 mark, unable to hit, and about to fire their manager. Needless to say, it was a brilliant montage, and the song was most apt. You know me; I love a good montage. (Who doesn't?) Thanks to MLB's batshit insane copyright standards, Parkes' work no longer exists. Now, I don't have the wherewithal to create my own montage, so I'm just going to post the song. The 2009 Blue Jays are flirting with .500, can't hit, employ one stubborn manager, and are on the verge of trading Roy Halladay. The more things change, the more they stay the same ...

"I am going to make it through this year if it kills me."

.500!!!1

And a reminder: I'll be live blogging Thursday's Jays/Indians matinee over at The Score. Join me. We can be depressed together. 12:37 PM first pitch.