Fist Pump 101

Last week in the comments section over at Fenway West I ripped Boston Red Sox miniature douchebag Dustin Pedroia for his extremely poor fist pump etiquette. Well, it seems Toronto's own Jason Blake needs to touch up on his fist pump manners as well.

For the record, I'd like to say that I am not a big fan of the timeless art of the fist pump. I've never really enjoyed Tiger's, I hate Nadal's, Sean Avery looks like a complete douche when he does his thing, and Danielle Briere, who has employed the fist pumpage after every single goal he has ever scored in his life (even empty net goals), has ruined the fist pump for me forever.

As for Blake, one of the few, if not only, fist pumpers on the Leafs, my man just needs a quick lesson. A fist pump refresher, you know? We all forget sometimes. No big deal.

So, Jason, the next time the Maple Leafs are down 5-0 and you score a power play goal, which happens to be a tap-in into an empty net because the goaltender is out of position, please use your mother fucking brain and refrain from the fist pump celebration. I know, you're excited, you're a cancer survivor, and you're probably just happy to be alive. I get that. I too am happy for you. In the negative hell hole which has become Leafs Nation, I'm one of your biggest supporters. I even picked you in my hockey pool, that's how much faith I've got in you.

But, please, the next time you want to use the fist pump, first think about the score. It matters. In fact, I would love it if you could do me a solid and save the fist pump for only game-tying or game winning goals, in the third period or later. Thanks man.

That's it. I told you, just a quick refresher. 

What about you, are you a fan of the fist pump? Do you use it when you score on the ice, or in the bedroom? Are you looking to spruce up your fist pump, or add it to your repertoire? This might help. Good luck, and Godspeed.

Deep Thoughts Vol. 6

Do you hear that? Over in la belle provence? That's the collective "Uh-Oh" coming from the good folks in Montreal after Carey Price channeled his inner Andrew Raycroft last night in Philadelphia, allowing three goals on only 12 shots.

More and more is Price beginning to look like the 20-year-old kid he is. The pressure in the Stanley Cup playoffs is immense and Philadelphia is a tough building to play in.

Here's what I wrote back on April 3: "I think, and hope, the Canadiens end up regretting trading (Cristobal) Huet instead of keeping him as insurance for the playoffs."

Dreams, my friends, can come true. With the Flyers now up two-to-one over Montreal, I can't help but think of Happy Gilmore headbutting Bob Barker and telling him: "The price is wrong, bitch." Best. Cameo. Appearance. Ever.

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Still on the Flyers/Habs series, is Darian Hatcher not the biggest doofus in the NHL? His hit from behind on Francis Bouillon was bush-league and typical of the Philadelphia Flyers. But it takes a special type of moron to do it in the third period with his team up three-nothing. Hatcher single-handedly got the Canadiens back into the game and while I hate both teams equally, a part of me was hoping the Habs would tie it up, and even win it in overtime, so Hatcher could feel like even more of an idiot. What a douche bag. I hate Hatcher.

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Here's a video called "Hitler Loves the Flyers" courtesy of Slap Shot, the New York Times hockey blog. It was made after the Habs won game one of their series with Philadelphia so while the shots at Martin Biron are clearly unwarranted today, the numerous disses thrown at Danielle Briere are simply amazing. The video is golden. Enjoy!



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Seriously, how does Detroit do it? Johan Franzen, aka "The Mule," is tied for the NHL playoff goal-scoring lead with seven goals in only eight games.

So, uh, who the hell is this guy? Franzen scored 27 goals in the regular season to go along with only 11 assists. Eight of those goals were game-winners and 14 came on the power play. The guy's a sniper. To close out the regular season, Franzen scored 15 goals in Detroit's final 16 games. He's picked up right where he left off in the playoffs.

I must admit that I knew Franzen was poised for a breakout season. I picked him in the last round of my keeper league fantasy hockey pool. Sure, I dropped him after he opened the season with only one goal in 17 games, but, well, that's besides the point. I still knew.

Franzen is the next player on the long list of successful late Detroit Red Wings draft picks. He was chosen in the third round, 97th overall back in 2004.

The others? Pavel Datsyuk, drafted in the sixth round, 171st overall in 1998. Nicklas Lidstrom, drafted in the third round, 53rd overall way back in 1989. Dude's had a pretty good career, hasn't he? Valtteri Filppula, who scored 19 goals this season, was chosen in the third round, 95th overall in 2002. Look for him to have a Franzen-type breakout season next year. Tomas Holmstrom, drafted in the 10th round, 257th overall back in 1994, has forged a nice little career for himself. And, of course, Henrik Zetterberg, drafted in the 7th round, 210th overall in 1999, is only one of the NHLs best players.

Unbelievable, eh? Detroit's scouting and drafting department is the best in the NHL, no contest. If the Toronto Maple Leafs are serious about winning a Stanley Cup they should buy the Detroit scouting staff and get Ken Holland over here asap.

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Sean Avery has officially transcended hockey. Here's a piece about him in The New Yorker.

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Speaking of douche-baggery, here's an article I've been wanting to share for a long time, courtesy of The New York Times, on the timeless art of the face wash.

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Is it time to officially give the Dallas Stars some respect? First they shoot down the defending champion Anaheim Ducks in five games and then they go into San Jose and win games one and two on the road. Yeah, I think some respectage is due.

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Dan Myers over at Penalty Shots thinks the Leafs should be considering, get ready for this one, Bobby Clarke for the general manager position. Clarke's career record as a GM is a sparkling 714-443-199. It's tough to argue with that record, but it's not tough to argue that Clarke is a serious douche who left one hell of a mess behind in Philadelphia. While we do have what Clarke never did in Philly - a goalie - I just don't see it happening.

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The Toronto Marlies are moving on to the second round of the AHL playoffs thanks to an ugly goal by Bates Battaglia with only a minute to go in game seven last night. While I'm still losing sleep over the fact that Justin Pogge is not in net for the Marlies, Scott Clemmensen was great yesterday, making 33 saves to ensure the victory. He's keeping the hopes of a parade alive in the city of Toronto. Sad, I know, but it's all we've got.

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Speaking of Toronto, when did we become the "City of Champions"? I thought Edmonton held that title? Did I miss the memo or something, because I sure as hell haven't missed any championships.

I ask because Damien Cox wrote a blog post entitled "A Tradition of, Um, Something" in which he took the city's sports teams to task for, well, sucking. He took shots at the Leafs (of course), the Toronto Rock, some OHL teams no one gives a damn about, the Raptors, Marlies, Blue Jays, and Toronto FC. Basically, anything and everything MLSE related. It's just Cox being Cox, you know, in his tradition of, um, bad sports writing.

The All-Snooze Game

I don't know about you, but I was actually looking forward to this year's NHL All-Star game. I guess I bought into the hype - Crosby, Ovechkin, the new jerseys. About 10 minutes into the first period, with the score already 3-1, I realized the All-Star game is the antithesis of what hockey is all about.

I love saying antithesis.

Hockey is a game of passion, emotion and determination. The All-Star game embodies none of that. I just couldn't really get into it, and subsequently, couldn't watch it. I was hoping to see some fireworks after hearing that Ovechkin and Crosby - the boy wonder's and the face of the "New NHL" - would be playing together on the same line. But the NHL All-Star game isn't like the NBA All-Star game, where men's are dropping ridiculous dunks and alley-oops. It's still hockey, and it's still played on ice, so there aren't many opportunities to get the people out of their seats with jaw-dropping moves.

You know what I'm talking about. Everyone loves watching the NBA All-Star festivities. The reactions of players in street clothes watching the dunk contest is worth it alone. I'll never forget Shaq the year Vince Carter - aka The Ungrateful Whore - won the slam dunk contest. His jaw was on the floor and his arms were spread out, and he's got the wingspan of, well, a 7-foot black man. Quite huge.

Wait a second. The Shaq-phone just came to mind. Does anyone remember that phone he had? The one that was built like one of his shoes. It was massive! Got to love Shaq - what a character.

Back to hockey. Now don't get me wrong - there were a number of great plays in tonight's hockey game. Some great passes and goals. But its clear that none of the players are excited and that nobody is taking the game seriously. Goalies are smiling after being scored on, and it's just weird to watch.

The All-Star game also seems to bring out the Tomas Kaberle in everyone - nobody ever wants to shoot. Guys are passing on breakaways and two on zero's. It's ridiculous.

I just can't watch hockey like that. No passion, no emotion, no physical play. Nothing. Now I know my main man Tomas Kaberle isn't exactly the most physical defender out there, but I swear he moved out of the way and just let Joe Thornton pass him on a rush in the first period. He might as well have given him a little push as he went by.

I know - it's only one game, so I shouldn't be bitching about it. It's for the fans. As much as I hate the All-Star game, it definitely has to be done. The NHL is in dire need of publicity and awareness and if the All-Star game helps get the word out about the game down south, it's not just a must, but a priority.

And in fine marketing fashion, the game was on a Wednesday night, in primetime, and none of the major networks in the USA picked up the game.

In the end, it was a 12-9 final in favour of the Western Conference. Briere, the fist-pumping little prick from the Sabres was named MVP with 5 points. Joe Sakic racked up 4 points, and is the All-Star game's all-time leading scorer. Another accomplishment in what has been a phenomenal career.

Twenty-one goals were scored tonight, yet the game didn't interest me a bit.

I've got one question - how long is the phrase "New NHL" going to be used? Is it still going to be the "New NHL" two years from now?

Shoutout to Tomas Kaberle - the lone representative of the Toronto Maple Leafs at the All-Star game. That's my boy!

And another shoutout to Yanic Perreault, the former Maple Leaf. He didn't have a job in October. Nobody wanted him. He had a solid season for Nashville last year and is always at the top of the league when it comes to faceoff percentage, yet no one would offer him a contract. Phoenix came calling and he signed a one-year deal for less than a million bucks. Now he's an all-star for the first time in his career. He would have been a good fit on the Leafs. But this organization would rather go the Matt Stajan route. Good call.

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The All-Snooze game gave me a chance to check out the second half of the Raptors game. The New Orleans/Oklahama City (which one is it, really?) Hornets were in town. The Raptors came out on top in the end, 90-88, but this was a game the Raptors of old would certainly have lost. The Raps trailed all game, and were down by 15, I believe, in the 4th quarter, before they went on a clutch run to steal the game. The Hornets, missing all-world point guard Chris Paul, seemed to be in control the whole night, and were poised to hand the Raps a demoralizing loss on their home court.

But Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon didn't let it happen. No sir, not in our house.

HUGE props out to those two guys. They were outstanding, especially in the final seven minutes of the game.

Like I said, the Raps of old would have lost this game. It would go down as a standard Raps loss, in which they underestimated their opponent and lost a game they most certainly should have won.

But these aren't last year's Raptors - and we should all be thanking the heavens, or Bryan Colangelo, for that. Colangelo's like an Angel. God sent him here to fix the mess left behind by a number of jackasses that have come and gone through the Raptor organization - Isiah Thomas, Vince Carter, Rob Babcock (the biggest jackass of all), Rafael Araujo, Yogi Stewart, Kevin O'Neill, and I could go on and on and on and on.

Games like tonight are the ones that build team character and team greatness. When you can win a ball game on a night when you're not really the best team on the floor, it says a lot about you. The good teams win games they have no business winning. The Raps did that tonight. The Hornets, a young team that isn't very good on the road, simply couldn't close the deal.

No TJ Ford or Andrea Bargnani tonight. Ford's ankle is a problem, and he's been shut down like Bosh was earlier in the season. Bargnani was dealing with flu-like symptoms, so he sat out the contest.

Looks like Ford's going to be out a while. "This Ford is Stalled" - that was the title of an article in The Star the other day. Brought back good old memories of my first car, a 91 Ford Tempo. Good times. May she rest in peace.

Calderon started his second straight game in Ford's absence. And Calderon was solid, once again. He seems like a completely different player this year compared to last. He's very intense and has a lot more confidence in his jump shot. He's a pass first point guard but if the pass isn't there, he's taking the jumper and making it, or driving to the lane. He gave the Raps their first lead tonight, late in the game, on a nice drive to the hoop when nobody expected it. You've just got to like that.

Bosh was his usual self. 35 points, 7 boards and 4 dimes. What can I say? We're lucky to have him. CB4, straight outta locash.

I'm lovin the Raptors. Colangelo, you're a genius! It's time to head out to the ACC and support the boys in red and white. My buddy 40 said the Raps are the most exciting team to be playing out of The Hangar in a few years, and I couldn't agree more.

So lets get out there and support our Raptors, my friends. I know I'm going to. They deserve it.

Goodnight, Toronto...