Thank You, Tampa Bay Rays

I never thought I'd be cheering for Matt Garza, not after what he did to the Blue Jays this season. Last night, I was Garza's biggest fan, and he didn't disappoint. What can I say? When I hop aboard a bandwagon, I go all out.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Tampa Bay Rays. They are American League champions. They are off to the World Series, and the Boston Red Sox are not. At the end of the day, that's what's most important, my friends.

The Red Sox - much to the chagrin of this Masshole and much to the delight of, well, everyone else - will not repeat as World Series champions. As a die-hard Blue Jays fan born in 1982, the fact that Toronto won back-to-back titles is all I've got left on "Red Sox Nation." Do it two times in a row Massholes, then talk to me.

The city of Boston is in mourning today, and I'm pleased to say that David Ortiz and Jason Varitek are a big reason why. Ortiz hit only .154 over the course of the ALCS, managing just four hits, one home run, and four RsBI. He struck out nine times. 

As for Varitek, his ALCS numbers are downright laughable. He managed one (1!) hit in 20 at-bats for a whopping .050 batting average, and struck out eight times in six games. Attaboy, Tek. Way to lead the troops. If there was any doubt that Varitek's not done as an everyday catcher in the majors, there should be no more, because it's painfully obvious that he's finished. I think Tek might have struck out for the last time in a Boston uniform. 

No Masshole can argue that the better team lost. The Rays were better on the mound, and much better at the plate. B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria combined for 19 RsBI in the series, equalling the output of Ortiz, Varitek, Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, and J.D. Drew combined. Guys like Willy Aybar stepped up for Tampa, while Red Sox youngsters Jacoby Ellsbury and Jed Lowrie didnt answer the bell.

How about that pitching performance last night by Matt Garza? Seven innings, two hits, one earned run off a solo home run, and nine strikeouts. The Red Sox were "Garzafied" twice in the series, and Garza was well-deserving of the MVP award.

And don't forget about David Price's four-out save. With the fate of the Tampa Bay organization, and Red Sox haters everywhere, resting on his young shoulders, Price struck out J.D. Drew with the based loaded in the bottom of the eighth inning. He took the mound again in the ninth and struck out two more, including Varitek (sweet), before getting Jed Lowrie to ground out to end the game. Talk about picking up your first career save in style, eh? Price, only 23 years young, and fresh out of the 2007 draft, has got to be on top of the world today. 

As J.P. Ricciardi is always preaching, pitching is what gets the job done in the AL East. Scott Kazmir was the only Tampa Bay ALCS starter to register an ERA higher than 4.00. For the Red Sox, none of their starting pitchers were able to crack the 4.00 ERA mark. Josh Beckett, who has got to be injured, finished with a nasty 9.64 ALCS ERA.

The Rays and Phillies World Series will get started on Wednesday. I'm not sure it's safe to hop off a moving Tampa Bay bandwagon, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind seeing Matt Stairs win a ring. It's a win-win situation, really. The Fall Classic will be Red Sox free, after all.

Somewhere, someplace, Manny Ramirez is smiling. That makes two of us.

Fist Pump 101

Last week in the comments section over at Fenway West I ripped Boston Red Sox miniature douchebag Dustin Pedroia for his extremely poor fist pump etiquette. Well, it seems Toronto's own Jason Blake needs to touch up on his fist pump manners as well.

For the record, I'd like to say that I am not a big fan of the timeless art of the fist pump. I've never really enjoyed Tiger's, I hate Nadal's, Sean Avery looks like a complete douche when he does his thing, and Danielle Briere, who has employed the fist pumpage after every single goal he has ever scored in his life (even empty net goals), has ruined the fist pump for me forever.

As for Blake, one of the few, if not only, fist pumpers on the Leafs, my man just needs a quick lesson. A fist pump refresher, you know? We all forget sometimes. No big deal.

So, Jason, the next time the Maple Leafs are down 5-0 and you score a power play goal, which happens to be a tap-in into an empty net because the goaltender is out of position, please use your mother fucking brain and refrain from the fist pump celebration. I know, you're excited, you're a cancer survivor, and you're probably just happy to be alive. I get that. I too am happy for you. In the negative hell hole which has become Leafs Nation, I'm one of your biggest supporters. I even picked you in my hockey pool, that's how much faith I've got in you.

But, please, the next time you want to use the fist pump, first think about the score. It matters. In fact, I would love it if you could do me a solid and save the fist pump for only game-tying or game winning goals, in the third period or later. Thanks man.

That's it. I told you, just a quick refresher. 

What about you, are you a fan of the fist pump? Do you use it when you score on the ice, or in the bedroom? Are you looking to spruce up your fist pump, or add it to your repertoire? This might help. Good luck, and Godspeed.

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.