No More Bets

Watching six hours of televised Toronto Blue Jays baseball in succession is in no way, shape, or form good for you. It is not recommended. Four hours has got to be the legal limit when viewing Toronto's average baseball team, and listening to the dynamic duo of Jamie Campbell and Rance Mulliniks.

The 2009 ballclub has been difficult to watch. I believe the term "soul crushing" is the one most bandied about. Unfortunately for me, they're about to inflict more damage. On my wallet. Bets of $100, $50, and a steak dinner (at Mendy's), are on the line.

Bet #1: Sure, my man Stephen Amell is about to hit the road for Hollywood, but that doesn't mean we no longer have a wager ($100 and an autograph from Mike Wilner) to settle. You remember: eight categories, over/under, seven worth one point, wins worth two points; highest total score takes it.

1. Wins - over/under 80.5 (worth two points):

After dropping both games of the doubleheader, the Jays are 59-72; playing .450 baseball. In order to get to the magical .500 mark, to 81 wins, Toronto must win 22 of their final 31 games; they must play .710 baseball.

I'm clearly still in this one. Nil-nil. (Yes, I am.)

2. Vernon Wells games played - over/under 125.5:

Staying healthy is about the only thing Wells has been able to accomplish this season. He's played 128 games. Chalk one up for the good guy. And, Vernon: "Congratulations on a job ... done." One-nothing, eyebleaf.

3. Home opener attendance - over/under 49,500:

I lost this one months ago; 1-1.

4. Roy Halladay wins - over/under 17.5:

I cannot fucking believe this one is in jeopardy. Since coming off the disabled list June 29th, Halladay has gone 3-7, with two no-decisions. And, I'm sorry, but the "rattled by trade rumours" excuse doesn't fly with me. Doc's a pro athlete, and makes millions of dollars. It's part of the business. Deal with it. And this after years of everyone lauding him as the most mentally prepared pitcher they'd ever seen.

Doc hasn't pitched well of late. He'd be the first to admit it. What's worse: he's not throwing his best pitch. If he's hurt, he shouldn't be pitching. If he's not, has he quit on his team? I shudder to think.

Doc's got about six starts left. I'm not ready to concede this point to SA just yet.

5. Combined HRs Lyle Overbay & Scott Rolen - over/under 35.5:

Rolen's back off the disabled list down in Cincinnati, and has hit one HR in 13 games; none since returning from injury. On the season, he's got nine. The power is gone. Platoon player Overbay (thanks Cito) has hit 13. I concede this one; 2-1, Stephen.

6. Alex Rios Home Runs - over/under 22.5:

In 16 games with Chicago, Rios is hitting .167/.177/.283. That's a laughable .461 OPS. Change has not been kind to Alex. He's stuck on 15 HRs, and went yard three times in June, July, and August. I've no reason to believe he'll hit eight the rest of the way, but that's never stopped me before. Two-one Stephen, three categories in question.

7. B.J. Ryan Saves - over/under 31.5 games:

Old wounds. It's hard to believe the man is no longer even in the pros. Three-one, Stephen.

8. 2009 SkyDome attendance - over/under 2,000,000:

According to ESPN, Toronto is averaging 23,904 fans a game; good for 23rd in the league. (According to The Globe and Mail, that same number ranks them 29th. I'm not sure how that works, but that's neither here nor there.) After 66 games, 1,577,729 have passed through the SkyDome's turnstiles.

With 15 games left to play at dome, if the Jays continue to meet their average of 23,904, they'll finish the season at 1,936,289. (Way to pick the line, SA, you jerk.) However, four of the 15 games are against the New York Yankees, three of them this upcoming long Labour Day weekend. Help a brother out, upstate New Yorkers. This one's still in play.

In closing: it's 3-1 Stephen. All I need is for the Jays to play .710 baseball the rest of the way, for Roy Halladay to win all his remaining starts, for Alex Rios to hit eight home runs, and for the Jays to average 28,152 fans in September. Good luck the rest of the way, and in Hollywood, SA.

(I'm fucked.)

Bet #2: Using the line Stephen set for wins, over/under 80.5, renowned Blue Jays hater PPP took the under. Only $50 is on the line, but this one hurts. For some sick, twisted reason, PPP enjoys nothing more than the suffering of Blue Jays fans. It's not even about the money. I'd simply rather not give him the satisfaction. Here's hoping Cito's got another 10-game win streak up his sleeve. Although even that probably won't be enough. Fuck. While that 27-14 start sure was enjoyable, it's causing much heartache months later.

Bet #3: I know the one and only Baltimore Orioles fan who lives in Toronto. Quite well, actually. As a matter of fact, when it comes to baseball, we have a lot in common. We're both in very abusive relationships. Anyway, we got creative on this one; you have to when each party supports a terrible team. The parameters: if the Orioles finish the season within 3.5 games of the Blue Jays (or better, but let's be serious...), I'm paying at Senior's. Four games back or more, and TOBOF (Toronto's Only Baltimore Orioles Fan) is footing the bill.

Heading into Wednesday, Baltimore trails Toronto by six. I may be out $150 come October 5th, but I'm quite certain I'll be eating well shortly thereafter.

Of course, none of the above has stopped me from trying to make things a little more ... interesting. My luck is bound to change.

Bet #4: I've got a two-four on the line with Burgundy from Stay Classy that the Toronto Maple Leafs will finish higher in the standings than the Ottawa Senators this season. I've cashed that cheque already.

The Almighty Dollar

You have lost your God damn mind if you think I want to talk about the spanking the Blue Jays received at the hands of the Boston Red Sox. Toronto's one naughty baseball team, and Boston let them have it. It might have been the most difficult series to watch all season. When Roy Halladay looks as mortal as the rest of his teammates, you know it's bad. The Tao of Stieb is right; something's changed with Doc. It doesn't feel the same.

Suddenly the locals are nine games below .500. What hurts more is their 31-29 record in the friendly confines of dome. My heart weeps.

There's nothing left to do but look forward and, after the draft snafu, the thought of another season with an $80 million payroll in the AL East makes me sick to my stomach. The uncertainty surrounding the 2010 budget eats at my soul.

Here's a list of the 10 clubs who spend the most ducats in Major League Baseball, along with their record and where they stand on this glorious Friday morning, the 21st day of August:

1. New York Yankees $201,449,189 76-45 (.628) 1st place AL East
2. New York Mets $147,417,987 56-65 (.463) 4th place NL East
3. Chicago Cubs $134,809,000 61-58 (.513) 2nd place NL Central
4. Boston Red Sox* $121,745,999 69-51 (.575) 2nd place AL East
5. Detroit Tigers $115,085,145 64-56 (.533) 1st place AL Central
6. LA Angels $113,709,000 73-46 (.613) 1st place AL West
7. Philadelphia Phillies $113,309,000 69-49 (.585) 1st place NL East
8. Houston Astros $102,996,414 59-62 (.488) 3rd place NL Central
9. LA Dodgers $100,008,592 72-50 (.590) 1st place NL West
10. Seattle Mariners $98,904,166 62-59 (.512) 3rd place AL West

The Red Sox receive an asterisk because they employ a bunch of steroid using douchebags. And because if the playoffs (!!1) began today, they'd go to the dance as the Wild Card.

What does that list tell you? The New York Yankees are the best team in baseball. When you spend everyone into the mother fucking ground, and play home games in an amusement park, you should be. Their counterparts, the Metropolitans? Pray for them. They've been ravaged by injury. The Cubs are a mess. The BoSox should be able to hold off the $68,178,798 Texas Rangers for the Wild Card. (Although I certainly wouldn't mind if they don't.) The Tigers look like a playoff team; $115 million should be able to get it done in the AL Central. If you're a baseball fan in the greater Los Angeles area, life is grand. The Phillies are set to defend their title, while Houston and Seattle are spending too much money to be playing near .500 baseball.

The bottom line: five of baseball's six division leaders reside in the top 10 in payroll. The St. Louis Cardinals are the only exception, leading the NL Central by a whopping seven games with a payroll of $88,528,409. (The Cubs really are cursed.) Give the Red Sox the Wild Card, and six out of eight playoff teams are MLB's biggest spenders. The Colorado Rockies, playing .562 baseball, are your other exception, leading the NL Wild Card standings by two games while spending $74,800,000.

$80 million won't cut it. No way; not in the AL East. Until the Tampa Bay Rays can do it consistently, they're nothing but a one-hit wonder. While I'd love for the Jays to spend $120 million, as much as the Red Sox, I know it won't happen. So I'm willing to settle, and slot eighth on that list; $110 million. For the love of God, Rogers, make it happen.

(Payroll numbers courtesy of Report on Business Magazine)