Tainted

I'm a few days late to the party, but I hope you don't mind me weighing in on Thursday's most "juicy" revelation:

David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez being outed for steroid use, in the same year, is sweet, poetic justice after years of rampant Masshole douchebaggery.

Asterisk that shit.

Thank You, Tampa Bay Rays

I never thought I'd be cheering for Matt Garza, not after what he did to the Blue Jays this season. Last night, I was Garza's biggest fan, and he didn't disappoint. What can I say? When I hop aboard a bandwagon, I go all out.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Tampa Bay Rays. They are American League champions. They are off to the World Series, and the Boston Red Sox are not. At the end of the day, that's what's most important, my friends.

The Red Sox - much to the chagrin of this Masshole and much to the delight of, well, everyone else - will not repeat as World Series champions. As a die-hard Blue Jays fan born in 1982, the fact that Toronto won back-to-back titles is all I've got left on "Red Sox Nation." Do it two times in a row Massholes, then talk to me.

The city of Boston is in mourning today, and I'm pleased to say that David Ortiz and Jason Varitek are a big reason why. Ortiz hit only .154 over the course of the ALCS, managing just four hits, one home run, and four RsBI. He struck out nine times. 

As for Varitek, his ALCS numbers are downright laughable. He managed one (1!) hit in 20 at-bats for a whopping .050 batting average, and struck out eight times in six games. Attaboy, Tek. Way to lead the troops. If there was any doubt that Varitek's not done as an everyday catcher in the majors, there should be no more, because it's painfully obvious that he's finished. I think Tek might have struck out for the last time in a Boston uniform. 

No Masshole can argue that the better team lost. The Rays were better on the mound, and much better at the plate. B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria combined for 19 RsBI in the series, equalling the output of Ortiz, Varitek, Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, and J.D. Drew combined. Guys like Willy Aybar stepped up for Tampa, while Red Sox youngsters Jacoby Ellsbury and Jed Lowrie didnt answer the bell.

How about that pitching performance last night by Matt Garza? Seven innings, two hits, one earned run off a solo home run, and nine strikeouts. The Red Sox were "Garzafied" twice in the series, and Garza was well-deserving of the MVP award.

And don't forget about David Price's four-out save. With the fate of the Tampa Bay organization, and Red Sox haters everywhere, resting on his young shoulders, Price struck out J.D. Drew with the based loaded in the bottom of the eighth inning. He took the mound again in the ninth and struck out two more, including Varitek (sweet), before getting Jed Lowrie to ground out to end the game. Talk about picking up your first career save in style, eh? Price, only 23 years young, and fresh out of the 2007 draft, has got to be on top of the world today. 

As J.P. Ricciardi is always preaching, pitching is what gets the job done in the AL East. Scott Kazmir was the only Tampa Bay ALCS starter to register an ERA higher than 4.00. For the Red Sox, none of their starting pitchers were able to crack the 4.00 ERA mark. Josh Beckett, who has got to be injured, finished with a nasty 9.64 ALCS ERA.

The Rays and Phillies World Series will get started on Wednesday. I'm not sure it's safe to hop off a moving Tampa Bay bandwagon, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind seeing Matt Stairs win a ring. It's a win-win situation, really. The Fall Classic will be Red Sox free, after all.

Somewhere, someplace, Manny Ramirez is smiling. That makes two of us.

I still hate the Boston Red Sox

The champagne was on ice. The plastic sheets were up all over my apartment. I even had my goggles ready to go. Then the Boston Red Sox, left for dead, came back. Massholes everywhere rejoiced.

It wasn't supposed to go down like that.

Trailing 7-0 in the 7th inning, it looked like the Red Sox were going to fade quietly into the night. Watching the game on television I swear I'd never heard Fenway Park so quiet. I was revelling in the fact that the Massholes - those unlovable, incorrigible, "we are entitled to every pro sports championship in the world" douchebags - were going to watch the Tampa Bay Rays win the pennant on their turf. Nothing was going to have been better.

Well, talk about the sports fan's equivalent of premature ejaculation.

I should have known. The Boston Red Sox never fade quietly into the night. I'm still having a hard time believing they managed to come back against the mighty Rays' bullpen, with their backs up against the wall to boot. It was high drama. Then again, these are the Red Sox. These are, even sans Manny Ramirez, the defending World Series champions. Jeff Blair of The Globe and Mail, also known as the finest baseball writer on the planet, was kind enough to point out that Boston has won eight ALCS elimination games in a row, and nine of 10 overall. Pardon my French, but that's fucking ridiculous.

Can the BoSox do it again, and pull off another miracle comeback? I can't put it past them. I won't lie, I'm worried about the Rays. They're a bunch of kids, after all. What happened Thursday night, especially Evan Longoria's error in the bottom of the ninth, has the potential to propel the Red Sox back to the World Series.

As much as I do hate the Boston Red Sox, and I really, really do, it's got to be one hell of a joyride being on that bandwagon. From the highest highs to the lowest lows and then back again. Sort of like the Dow Jones.

Before I forget, I want to take this opportunity to point out just how fickle the Massholes, and the MSM that cover the Red Sox, collectively are. I want to show you just how loyal "Red Sox Nation" really is. With their most clutch hitter, and arguably one of the most clutch hitters ever, David Ortiz scuffling at the plate, his nick-name went from "Big Papi" to "Big Popup." You know that Ortiz guy? He was kind of, just kind of, instrumental in bringing a couple of titles to Boston. Of course, after his home run two nights ago, Ortiz is back to having his cock sucked by the Massholes.

It gets better. The "Nation" has turned on their beloved Captain, Jason Varitek, booing him and his pathetic .115 post-season batting average. Varitek's shit. I know it, you know it, and we all know it. In fact, we've all known it for a while. But now the Massholes stop defending him? Really? Now? When he needs their support the most? Classy bunch of fans over there in Boston, man, real classy.

Tonight at the Trop it's going to be Josh Beckett vs. James Shields. Tampa Bay will try to clinch the pennant at home, in front of their oh so loyal fan base who have stuck by the team through thin and, well, thinner. Yes, all eleven people who comprise the "oh so loyal fan base" will be in attendance and, let me tell you, they can't wait.

Speaking of Beckett, he has not looked like the Mr. October he normally is but, in typical Red Sox fashion, I'm expecting him to throw an absolute gem. Maybe he can tear a page out of Curt Schilling's book and paint his sock red. Fake blood worked like a charm the first time around.

For the Rays to win, Shields needs to go pitch-for-pitch with Beckett, and the middle of the Rays' lineup has to be just as good as it was on Thursday. Most importantly, though, the Rays to a man need to forget about the debacle that ended up being Thursday night.

Make it happen Tampa. Please. No doubt the majority of this city's baseball fans are cheering for you. For the love of God and all humanity, make the Boston Red Sox and the Massholes go away, even if it is just for a few months.

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.