September 23, 2008

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.


The Ack said...


That's all.

Anonymous said...

So are you 12 or 13? Shouldn't you be in school right now?

Anonymous said...

You might want to seek out some professional help for your anger issues... maybe an anger management class (or 12) would help...
Oh by the way... sucks to be jealous whinebag huh!?
Go Sox!

Anonymous said...

"Look, I'm not an idiot."

I think you may have misjudged yourself!

Anonymous said...

Tough being a jealous whiny little bitch, eh???

Anonymous said...

Jealousy is a terrible thing...

The Ack said...

Red Sox Nation in the house, I see.

It's fun having rivals, even if it's so one-sided at the moment that it's not much of a rivalry. With no rivals, what the fuck fun would following a team be?

Anyway, I've seen my team win 2 World Series titles in my lifetime, which is the same that Sox fans, and their parents, and their grandparents can probably say.

You dudes need to lay off the "you so jealous!!" routine though, lest you forget your pre-championship feelings towards big bad Georgie boy and the Evil Empire.

eyebleaf said...

Red Sox Nation in the HIZZOUSE for real!

I had a feeling this post would bring a few of you to the site so, welcome aboard!

I'm like George Costanza. I don't need anger management.

And believe me, I'm not the only one who thinks you Massholes have gotten a bit out of hand recently. 2004 was great, an incredible comeback and an incredible season and an incredible story. But now most of y'all are just annoying.

I'm actually not jealous. Like The Ack pointed out, we've got as many rings as y'all do. And we've done it in 30 plus years, not 90.

And, for you fickle little Boston fans, this blog's fuel is sarcasm. So keep your shit in check. Let's not forget that on the Sons of Sam board someone said they wanted to shoot Vernon Wells in the face. So, you guys stay classy.

Oh, and talk to me when you guys repeat. Hell, it could be this year. If you're lucky.

and Jays!

eyebleaf said...

oh yeah, and Ack's right about the whole jealousy bit. You guys can't go there. For years you complained about the evil empire and how the yankees were destroying baseball. Then you went and joined them. Actually, became them. so, please, keep on calling em 12 years old and telling me to go to anger management, but no "it sucks to be jealous" comments.

PPP said...

6 comments from RSN and only one is even remotely clever? About par for the course I guess.

And the ones that level the "are you 12?" charge...generally tend to be about 15. Zing!

Anonymous said...

clap,clap,clap. man you got some balls sayin what u said. i mean ill give ur boys credit you took the season series. but whats thats gonna do when u guys are golfing in october?? the jays were so desperate that they had to re-hire that ol' hag cito gaston as the manager. i guess the only thing you guys can look back on the days of old is when you guys to the retro friday nights. cause those jerseys are about 15 yrs old. just like the memories you guys have with the playoffs.

as reguards to "TEK" the "C" on his chest means captian. someone who puts his team infront of himself. why you go ask who good ol' shea hillenbrand is doin. oviously he missed that memo.

so go mess on schilling. i dare ya. when has toronto seen any dedication? what juan guzman?? come on. joe carter?? plahhhhese.

bring back the days of roberto alomar thats when you gusy had something.

so you call us band waggoners. wow
how original. i just love people who get jelous of success. maybe if the raptors or the leafs could get thier heads of thier asses maybe there could a chance.

so can you please pass the word that vernon wells and roy halladay's tee time is @ 9 am on the 24th??

eyebleaf said...

those 15 year olds rule the school yard, PPP!

brshram said...

like some cheese with all that whine,o yeah sorry about those maple laughs,dont worry when burnett,and in a couple of years holliday sign with the sox you can be part of the nation crybaby

eyebleaf said...

bishcomish1212, this is canada, man. no one's golfing in October! the golfing jokes are reserved for the Leafs, honey.

say what you want about guzman, and the jerseys, but i'll be damned if i let you badmouth THE GASTONIAN one. he is a deity in this city.

oh and thanks for pointing out that the C means captain. OH! i totally didn't know. my point is that he shouldn't be the only douche in the league who needs to have one on his jersey. is the only captain in all of baseball?

as for shea, we shipped him out of town when we figured out he was a douchebag, just like you guys did, so what's your point?

you want dedication? how about roy mother fuckin halladay? he can take any red sox "ace" any day of the week.

and i didn't call you sox fans band waggoners. y'all are passionate, and i can appreciate that. i went to 6 games with the sox in town in toronto, and it was masshole overload. that's passion. you guys follow your team.

i was in fenway park when the red sox went back-to-back-to-back-to-back against the yankees in april, what was it, 2 years ago? i've never been in a louder building. there's a difference between band waggoners and annoying fans. you guys just happen to fall in the latter.

eyebleaf said...

brshram: dude, it's Halladay. Roy Halladay. if you're going to comment, please spell the man's name right. you owe him that much respect.

and believe me, i would sell my soul to the devil before joining red sox nation. the thought of it caused me to vomit in my mouth.

no, i didn't really vomit, sox fans. that's more of what i previously alluded to: sarcasm.

no, i'm not going to tell you what it means. look it up.

The Ack said...

I can forgive the odd typo - I'm just as guilty as charged - but dude, please, run that shit through spellcheck first or something.

Oh, and maybe look up the Jays record under Cito before you ridicule the move.
oh, and just noticed - Matt Holliday is signing with the Sox? Another awesome bat, but don't you have Jason Bay to play left?
last word for me then I'm out....the Boston Red Sox are a great organization. The fanbase is huge and passionate, even if they have grown in leaps and bounds through the pink hat brigade since winning the first WS. You're just a little hypocritical, that's all. Even chief Red Sox Nation spokesman Bill Simmons will (and has) acknowledge(d) that you've become everything you once loathed - the New York Yankees v2.0. And you know what? I'd have absolutely no problem if Teddy Rogers opened up the wallet and made the Jays v3.0.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for you. You might want to seek some professional help. Or, maybe you are just retarded and you need to seek special education. Either way, if you can read- try reading about baseball history, and you might learn something. Sorry to all you Toronto fans who never fill stadium. Our thoughts are with you.

eyebleaf said...

reading - what a novel idea! you know what anonymous, i'm going to give it a shot. thanks for the motivation. i greatly appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that not all Red Sox fans are from Mass. I lived in Mass most of my life and now live in NH. And for the record one of my friends is a Sox fan and she lives in Pittsburgh! Red Sox Nation is everywhere!

I'm not going to be ignorant like other people on here so I'll leave my comments as is.

Anonymous said...

Not for nothing people, but you all are fueling the fire and throwing more gas on the already abundant flames. Name calling and cheap digs shouldn't be how one responds to such comments if you want respect as a member of "Fan Nation". Why make a true Red Sox fan, or hell, baseball fan for that matter, sound like a child on a playground?
Every one is entitled to their own opinions. As a HUGE admirer of the Red Sox for 30+ years (From NH) I cant sit here and bitch about "I hate Red Sox" blogs. Thats his opinion. And he does give much deserved kudos to Pedroia! Why is it that so many "Fans of the Nation" have become so evil?? Leave that in NY to be torn down with the old stadium! Its a game people! Be passionate about it, about your team ... but lets not be so immature! IF the Sox dont make it to the world series lets look at Tampa, who came from last place last year ... or better yet, the Cubs! How amazing would it be to see the Cubies and the White Sox battle for the Championship?? Dont get me wrong!! I'd much rather see the Red Sox in the playoffs. But if it doesnt happen... there is always next year!! Enjoy the game ... For the Love of the Game!

Anna said...

Awesome blog. I'm a life-long "Masshole," but I know funny when I see it. And hey, you've put together a pretty awesome list of stuff I bloody love about my team. Sean Casey's crazy leg kick? Love it. Youk's rodent beard? Love it. Varitek's "C"? Love that most of all.

Anywy, I did get a definite kindred feeling reading this. Yeah, just a few years ago...

Sooner or later the Jays will do it again. But 'til they do: I know the feeling, man. I know the feeling.

eyebleaf said...

wow, rational and reasonable comments. awesome. thanks guys. really appreciate em. i'm just writing for kicks, and in my bitterness dealing with the jays missing the playoffs once again, i'm taking a little steam out on the BoSox and the Nation. All in good fun.

Anon: i can attest that Red Sox Nation is everywhere. even here in Toronto the Masshole (i say it out of love) population is healthy and growing. like i said, you guys certainly know how to represent.

mysstickl: thanks for the comments. some people just can't take a joke. as for "there's always next year," that's actually our motto here in Toronto. next year, when spring training starts, hope springs eternal, and i'll be dreaming of a pennant. thanks for stopping by and for the comment. cheers

Anna: i LOVE you. thanks for the comment. that's what makes pro sports fandom so amazing. the little things that piss me off are the little things that make you love your team. that's what it is all about. and you're right, my jays will once again be on top. sports are cyclical. it's only a matter of time. we were on top before, and we'll be there again. so enjoy your time while you're there. cheers anna

Anonymous said...

Ohh and by the way ... I get the negatives about Tek. He's not had the best batting/rbi averages. BUT ... he did pass Carlton Fisk for first place on the Red Sox all-time list for catchers with 158 homers!! His abilities as a catcher and for calling the games ... Pitchers, young & old respect him and "look up to him". He's caught 4 no hitters for crying out loud!!! (most ever by any catcher!!) He wears that "C" with pride as an honor bestowed upon him by the team. Give him some credit, PLEASE! Even just a little???

eyebleaf said...

I'll give it up for Tek when it comes to calling games. I saw that stat last week, that he's caught 4 no hitters, and I won't lie, it did jump out at me and take me by surprise. the red sox usually have a strong staff, and that's a testament to the catcher, yes.

my Tek hate-age really stems from the C. Vernon Wells is our captain, there's no letter on his jersey. Jeter is the captain of the Yanks, there's no letter on his jersey. I just don't know why Tek needs one.

But, when it comes to calling games, yes, I can give Tek some credit...

and now i feel all dirty!

Anna said...

Awwww. Nicely done. Nice words about the Red Sox captain, and it didn't cost you your soul!

(Actually, it was the team, not 'Tek, that insisted he wear the "C," but I'm glad he agreed to it; with him hitting as badly as he is this season, the world needs a reminder of what he's really there to do).

Anonymous said...

Sorry for making you feel all dirty ... but you gotta admit sometimes feeling dirty is nice.

As for the "C" you piqued my curiosity and I wanted to know why as well ... here is what I found:

On the day Tek's contract was re-signed in 2004, Theo Epstein surprised Tek with the announcement that the Red Sox were announcing him as team captain.

Theo on how the captaincy came about: “It was not at all part of the contract negotiation. I told Scott (Boras) about it after we had already reached a deal and asked him to just keep it a surprise for Jason. When mentioning the idea, John Henry instantly said yes, Tom Werner instantly said yes, Larry Lucchino instantly said yes. We had about 10 seconds worth of discussion on it. It seemed very fitting, the natural thing to do. Jason has clearly earned it, he deserves it. The “C” looks good on his jersey. (To Jason) If you are really superficial and you don’t like the way it looks, you don’t have to wear it (laughter).”

Jason (When asked if there would be more pressure on him): “That’s the way I play. What you see is what you get. That’s pretty much all I have that day, whatever it is. When that starts to change, I’m going to have to evaluate whether or not I need to still be playing this game. That’s what drives me, is to be able to be consistent and do the same things day in and day out. I think through the course of time, the longer you’ve been there, you have to accept that role anyway, with or without a letter on your uniform. But just to have that, that’s an extremely big honor. There’s nothing more you ask for than the respect of your peers.”

(Entire story here:

So .. I guess its a all about pride and honor. Tek was (and still is) seen as a leader in the Red Sox franchise and he proudly acknowledges that with a "C" on his jersey.

FYI: I was in Torronto in August. I did not attend a game, but did drive by Rogers Centre and it was quite an awesome site. But even more so I gotta admit, your Hockey Hall of Fame rocked my world!

Anonymous said...

Dude! you really need to grow up!

but seriously is it fun being a jealous whinebag?



Anonymous said...

Jealous much? I don't feel bad for you. I'm a girl and I don't even whine like that. Loser.

eyebleaf said...

mysttickl: thanks for that article.

Anna: it didn't cost me my soul but i still feel all nasty!

to the latest anon commenter: it breaks my heart that you don't feel bad for me. read the comments, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. just remember how "jealous" Red Sox Nation was of the Yankees just a few years ago. amazing how quickly you forget.

Anonymous said...

I am a die hard Tek fan and I can say...his bat isn't the best thing in the world but it is his smarts behind the plate that make the Sox want to keep him around.

As for the C on his chest....have you ever thought that it could be the higher ups in the organization that put it on his uniform and not Tek himself?

eyebleaf said...

anon: i more than agree, tek can call one helluva game.

i have thought about the organization putting the C on his jersey. but i've also thought about he and the team saying, hey, no one else in baseball needs a C on their shirt, and we're no different from any other team in baseball. so, let's keep it in the clubhouse. we all know Tek is the leader, he's the guy driving the bus, and he's the guy who always puts team in front of himself. he doesn't need a glorified letter on his jersey to let the rest of the world know that. his teammates know, and that's all that should matter when it comes to a leader.

that's more of my thought process.

Anonymous said...

Damn, you are one angry need to have a beer and get LAID, by a woman........

Anonymous said...

Like your Jays dont have facial hair and whacky baseball stances.....heck you must be a NOOB to baseball, cuz there have been weirder stances and actions at the plate......Sheffield, Mike Hargrove, Ruben Sierra.....You probably would have HATED Mark "The Bird" Fydrich and Kent Tekulvi , Dan Quisenberry and Al Hrobosky....just another few baseball ORGINALS you can piss and moan about.....sorry my spelling of names isnt correct your holiness

Anonymous said...

Back when the Jays were on top of the world, WE RED SOX FANS were mad at you guys too! But damn man! Have a beer and chill out, eh

Anonymous said...

GO RED SOX !!!!!!

Anonymous said...

GO RED SOX !!!!!!

Anonymous said...

RED SOX aint just in MASS you know.....

Subscribe to NESN (the channel Hazel Mae left the Jays to go to) and watch the Red Sox away games.....there are HUGE amounts of SOX fans EVERYWHERE......

Anonymous said...

Love those RETRO Jays, really.....

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

You have to admire how half the anonymous postings all come within five or ten minutes of each other. That's absolutely not the same person posting multiple times.

After sitting in a crowd of NOMAAAAAH-assholes twice last week, I can safely say I would like to set most of New England on fire. Between the six-month-pregnant whore drinking five beers in six innings to the douche with a popped collar wearing a "Tek" jersey with that dumbass C. From the skank in the pink hat and the tramp stamp to the cock knocker with the baseball cap that has an ironed bill and the MLB reflective sticker still on it. Seeing those douchefuckers celebrate the wild card last night like it was a world series was so damned satisfying, I almost needed a wet nap to clean myself up.

I've spent a long time in that empty warehouse of a stadium waiting for the Rays to shut the Massholes up. Thank God it happened before I had to murder someone.

Go Rays. Have fun in Anaheim, Massholes.

Anonymous said...

Ok, this is hilarious. I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan and I had every intention upon starting this post to trash talk in the comment section, but I just can't, because this was so good (except the Tek part, we just like him for old times sake). I'm glad Manny left the team because you could have had a hay-day with that.

Seriously, this is the stuff I yell at (especially Youakalisis's f-ing facial hair) every game I go to.

Beyond that though, I still love the Sox and hope they whoop it up big time for all you Sox haters out there.

Anonymous said...

Pedoria is fraking unbelievable... Wouldnt the more mature and less ignorant to enjoy that?
I grew up hating the yankees... but i never said i hated someone simply because they were good. If they were good they were good... if they were okay and thought they were the best then i had a problem.

JT said...

Love it.

No problem on the link, eyebeleaf. I've enjoyed this blog for some time now.

Thanks for the knowledge you dropped about Pogge, as well. I'm still a relatively novice Leafs and hockey fan in general, so I appreciate all the help I can get!

soxfan said...


eyebleaf said...

Congratulations, soxfan. A hearty, hearty congratulations.

Adawg said...

Dude - I'm a sox fan and this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I just linked to it from my Red Sox/Boston blog - To be honest, if I wasn't from Boston, I'd feel the EXACT same way as you. In fact, I could have taken your post five years ago and written the same thing about the Yankees. Rock on bro!

Aaron | @astrout

Timberlake for Prez said...

did anyone watch dancing with the stars this week?

Godzirra said...

Um...that C doesn't stand for 'captain'.

And as far as Youkilis goes, is that facial hair? His head looks like a crap-filled pinata that was left out in the rain, then daubed with Astroglide and rolled in pubic hair that was dredged out of a nursing home shower drain.

Rays in six...

...then the sox and their braying excuse-spewing fans will finally scuttle away. It will be a bitter winter in that hellhole Boston, indeed.

You know, I haven't seen a single Pats jersey since Brady went down. Um, I hurt. In case you were confused.

eyebleaf said...

@ Godzirra: First of all, awesome fucking name. And that comment about Youkilis? Gold, Godzirra, Godl!!!

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