(No)Playoffs!!!1

Greetings from chaotic Jaipur, "The City of Victory." Lord only knows Toronto will never be bestowed such a prestigious title.

I'm killing time; waiting to board a 10:30 pm overnight train to Udaipur. I thought, with NHL action having returned, it would be as good a time as any to take a peak at the standings. I haven't had a look since I skipped town back on February 2nd, the night the Dion Phaneuf era began.

It wasn't a pretty sight. As I'm sure you know. With 19 games left on the schedule, and only 50 points to show for their first 63 games, the season is over; lost. Even if, somehow, Ron Wilson's Maple Leafs managed to run the table and finish 19-0, they'd fall short of the 90-point playoff mark. Eighty-eight points is as good as it can get. And we all know, with an AHL roster, the Leafs won't come anywhere near that mark.

To make matters worse, once again, our Toronto Maple Leafs are the NHL's worst team on home ice.

(No)Playoffs!!!1

It seems I picked a good time to take this trip. It has saved me from watching a lot of God-awful hockey. I'm clearly not missing much.

Although I certainly will miss Alexei Ponikarovsky. I'm not sure why Brian Burke refused to give a 29-year-old player who has improved every season, and will set a career-high in goals this season, a four-year contract, and frankly I'm tired of trying to figure out how the Toronto general manager's brain works. If, as the Leafs plummet to the bottom of the standings, which is destined to happen now that Boston owns Toronto's first-round pick, Burke continues to defend the Phil Kessel trade, and continues to say "I'd do it again," he is, without a doubt, full of shit.

I wish Burke would tell the truth. I wish he'd come out and say that he made a mistake; that he thought the Leafs would be a much, much better team this season. Hell, I've made that mistake every campaign since the lockout ended. It happens.

Pray. Clearly, it's all that's left to do. Luckily for me, there's a temple on just about every corner around these parts.

Enjoy the Battle of Ontario tonight. There are only a handful of Leafs victories left this season; here's hoping they come against the Ottawas and Montreals. I'm off to have a Kingfisher. After finally perusing the standings, I'm definitely going to need two. Cheers.

Sabbatical

I've got a massive backpack, the Lonely Planet guide to India, and a return date of June 24th. After two days of intense celebration over the acquisition of Dion Phaneuf, and more importantly the departure of Vesa Toskala, I won't get to see the new and improved, offensively challenged Toronto Maple Leafs in action. I leave for the Indian subcontinent Tuesday night. The rebuild, however, is finally officially underway, and I've found comfort in that realization.

Here's how I've justified Brian Burke's three biggest transactions: as one massive, all-encompassing trade.

Jason Blake

Vesa Toskala

Matt Stajan

Ian White

Niklas Hagman

Jamal Mayers

2010 1st Round Pick

2010 2nd Round Pick

2011 1st Round Pick

FOR

Phil Kessel

Dion Phaneuf

J.S. Giguere

Fredrik Sjostrom

Keith Aulie

I know, that's a lot of draft picks going the other way. But you're used to that now. We're all used to that now. I'm also well aware, as you are, that the moves mean the Leafs have, other than Kessel, zero offence. And I'm OK with that. Because the problem for the better part of the last five years is that Toronto can't kill penalties, and can't keep the puck out of its own net. Burke will figure out a solution up front. That's what he's paid to do. If you don't have faith in him after he found a trader partner for the services -- and I use the term lightly -- of Toskala and Jason Blake, I'm afraid you never will.

In 24-year-old Phaneuf and 22-year-old Kessel, I can finally say the Toronto Maple Leafs have two young, established, and skilled players around which to build a team. Young being the key word. When was the last time you could make such a proclamation? Phaneuf is two seasons removed from Norris Trophy consideration. And, it bears repeating, still only 24. For once, for fucking once, the Leafs bought low.

It pains me to admit it, because only a true idiot would compare the Civil Rights Movement to the trivial world of professional sports, but when I heard Toskala had indeed been jettisoned out west, Martin Luther King's words echoed through my mind: "Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

One final word about Jason Blake, before I say my goodbyes. He was the whipping boy. From day one. And, truthfully, I'm not sure why that was the case. While I did my fair share of defending him, I found it difficult to do so this season. All the cool kids were slagging him. I was just trying to fit in. Now that he's a Duck, I can look fondly back on Blake's time in Toronto. While he didn't score as many goals as people would have liked, he performed. Early in his career, Blake played 82 games with the Los Angeles Kings, and registered 28 points, for a 0.34 point-per-game average. He then moved to Long Island, where he enjoyed fruitful seasons in hockey hell: 426 games, 258 points. A 0.60 point-per-game average. Finally, Toronto. The most productive stop during Jason Blake's career: 216 games, 141 points. A 0.65 point-per-game average. Blake may not have been worth the money to you, but based on his track record, he did what he was brought in to do. I'll miss the fist pumps.

I'll tell you this: it's not easy leaving the pro sports teams -- for this long, at least -- who routinely frustrate me and break my heart. It should be. But it isn't. Posting will be sparse around here, but I'll be dropping by. First things first, Aaron Hill will be replacing Roy Halladay in the Sports And The City banner. A logical choice. Thanks for voting. And, over the next few weeks, I plan to visit one of India's numerous internet cafes to watch Canada take care of business out in Vancouver. I'll be celebrating our nation's hockey triumph a world away, and plan to enjoy every second of it.

Here's what I'll miss most:

• The Toronto Raptors' surge to the top of the Atlantic Division, led by Chris Bosh. The franchise will win its second playoff series while I'm gone. It's time. Believe in Bosh.
• Interviews with Hedo Turkoglu.
• Opening Day at the SkyDome. This one's tough; it's tradition. But I'll be there in spirit. Missing the first three months of baseball season might be the toughest of all. The silver lining: three fewer months of Cito Gaston. Win.
• Ron Wilson being fired.

I've scheduled my return such that if the Boston Bruins do indeed select Taylor Hall with the Leafs' first overall selection, I'll be back in time to watch it happen. That'll surely get me back in the swing of things. My arrival back in Toronto also coincides with, hopefully, a date with Roy Halladay.

So, take care of yourself, eh? Remember: curve the bill of your hat, always support the home team, and never give up hope. Enjoy the rest of your winter, and the beautiful spring months. I'll be stopping by every now and then to holler "Playoffs!!1"

A brilliant and beautiful woman once told me words that certainly ring true today: "This isn't goodbye. It's see you later."

Cheers.

146

"The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate."

- Douglas Engelbert

If that's the case, after allowing one-hundred and forty-fucking-six (146!!1) points, the Toronto Raptors must be done maturing. Right? It can't possibly get much worse, or much more embarrassing, than last night in Atlanta, can it?

Whatever ails this Raptors squad, surely Reggie Evans cannot cure it on his own.

Once again, playing the part of the reasonable, even-keeled fan, I think it's an appropriate time to call for the coach's head. Fire Jay Triano. "At least we're not the Nets" is not a good enough excuse. (After Boston, the Atlantic Division standings are a crime against humanity.)

Toronto currently finds itself in the throes of an absolute coaching nightmare. Triano is in completely over his head, and is being called out by his players. Ron Wilson, much like his team shorthanded, is useless. And Cito Gaston ... Cito simply needs to sail into the senior advisor sunset.

Press Row

The Toronto Maple Leafs don't have first-round draft picks in 2010 and 2011. You know what else they don't have? Internet access on press row. Apologies about the #LiveBlogFail. It happens, yo.

Three years after writing my first blog post here at Sports And The City, I'd made "the show." For one night, I was out of the basement, and on the biggest stage. Without you, three readers, it wouldn't have been possible. Thank you.

While I hate to inundate you with another list of thoughts, Elliotte Friedman style, I'm left with no choice. Without access to the magical world wide web, I was forced to actually use a pen, and write. I know; the humanity. In all seriousness, thanks to Jonathan Sinden, interactive media guru at MLSE, and operator of the Leafs' twitter account, who invited me to The Foster Hewitt Media Gondola last night. It was a fantastic experience, and an honour to be up there.

Without further ado:

• All you really need to know is that before puck drop I met LeafspaceMonika. She put her arm around me, and it was a dream come true. I may have told her that I'm in love with her, I don't really remember. The rest of the night really doesn't matter, because I'd already won.
• I hate Ryan Miller.
• The Leafs actually came out strong to start the game. They were the better team in the first half of the first period. It might have been the drugs, but I'm pretty sure Toronto came out flying. If it wasn't for Ryan Miller, it's 2-0 Toronto 10 minutes into the game.
• Fuck Ryan Miller.
• I had to make an actual conscious effort not to cheer while in the press box. It was more difficult than I thought.
• Buffalo came alive to close out the first, but Jonas Gustavsson was there to match Miller. The Monster is great in tight, and moves graciously across the crease. (That's what she said.)
• The highlight of the first period was Wayne Primeau slamming Derek Roy into the boards in the Leafs' zone. I love watching Derek Roy get slammed into the boards.
• As I tweeted in the first period, watching Phil Kessel turned me on. I'm quite certain I was making Jonathan uncomfortable, but the situation was beyond my control.
• The pretzels flow freely up in press row. The pretzels were making me thirsty.
• No sign of Howard Berger. Remember, he's paid to write about the games, not watch them.
• According to my man Jonathan, it was Brian Burke who said the Leafs have to reach out to bloggers. Forget about the team's record, and forget about how they do the rest of the way while he's managing the team; the Brian Burke era has been an unmitigated success.
• The best part about being on press row might be the stats sheet you're handed at the end of each period. Your homework, it's done for you. You know exactly how many minutes too long Jason Blake has been on the ice, and just how poorly the Leafs are doing in the faceoff circle. I certainly appreciated it.
• The Leafs came out strong, again, to start the second period. And I'm quite certain the drugs had worn off by this point.
• Matt Stajan and Phil Kessel botched a 2-on-0 early in the period. Kessel would probably have been better off on his own.
• More Leafs fans need to own Niklas Hagman jerseys. Do you own one? Let me know, so I can give you the props you deserve.
• I hope last night is the last time Ian White and Luke Schenn play together. Awful.
• Seriously, fuck Ryan Miller. He is the truth. He made tremendous saves on the penalty kill against both Hagman and Mikhail Grabovski. Buffalo is lucky to have him.
• I thought Mike Komisarek played a strong game. He kept his shit simple, which is what he wasn't doing prior to his stint on the disabled list.
• Phil Kessel is an underrated passer. Marc Savard didn't make Phil Kessel. Phil Kessel made Marc Savard.
• I could hear Dennis Bayak calling the game on AM 640 from my seat. I found this rather exciting.
• Jason Blake: enter the zone, circle the net, put a useless shot on goal. Rinse. Repeat.
• I'm sorry to say, but the crowds at the Air Canada Centre are nothing short of brutal. I thought about starting a "Go Leafs Go!!!!1" chant, but that type of thing is frowned upon in the press box.
• Did I mention I hate Ryan Miller?
• The Leafs surrendered a goal 20 seconds into the third period. I blame Ron Wilson. Face it: it's convenient, and easy. Fire him. And hire Wayne Gretzky. Don't deny it, it'd be fun.
• Is there any possible way Jason Blake makes the U.S. Olympic team? I'm thinking not, as Wilson probably wants to get away from him for a couple of weeks.
• Carl Gunnarsson didn't return for third period action after suffering a shoulder injury. The irony of Komisarek returning and Gunnarsson getting injured is delicious. We gain one, and lose another. Almost as delicious as the sushi platinum seat holders like Daoust love to eat.
• Ryan Miller is always at the top of his crease. He cuts his angles like nobody's business. I fucking hate Ryan Miller.
• I'm quite certain I saw Luke Schenn on the point on the power play in the third period. I'd like to see more of this. It can only help his development. Also: mad respect for "Luke's Troops." Canadian serviceman and servicewoman deserve all the standing ovations they can get.
• It was a listless third period from the Maple Leafs. Outshooting your opponents with absolutely nothing to show for it, night in and night out, has to take its toll.
• There's no way Lee Stempniak is a Maple Leaf next season after his contract expires.
• The cat-calls on Jonas Gustavsson late in the third period were completely uncalled for. When did Toronto fans become the epitome of douchebaggery? What are we, Boston?
• Lindy Ruff calling a timeout in a 3-0 game with 2:54 left on the clock was straight rude. He purposely did it to prolong our misery for an extra 30 seconds, that bastard.
• Ryan Miller finished with a shutout. The silver lining: I didn't pay a penny to take in the game.
• I'll be honest, when Jonathan took off for a few minutes during the game, I hollered "67!!!!1" a couple of times, at the top of my lungs. Yet no sign of Damien Cox. Clearly, he wasn't on press row, or even in the building.

If last night was any indication, the Toronto Maple Leafs get it. No, not the hockey part, asshole, the social and new media part. They reached out to me, in the depths of my mother's basement, and treated me to a game, and all the pretzels my heart could desire. And I appreciated it. During the intermissions, I made tremendous progress on the Stanley Cup parade route the Leafs will be taking in 2010. Yes, 2010. It's those moments in The Foster Hewitt Media Gondola, when you're most inspired, and when you use your crayons to draw the heart of the parade through the streets of downtown Ottawa, and downtown Vancouver, that matter more than anything. Cross-country, baby. Like the Olympic torch relay.

Playoffs!!!1

Unacceptable

Three wins in 19 games.

One win in 9 home games.

Seventy-one goals against in 19 games.

Eleven points, compared to the New York Islanders' 23.

It's all bloody unacceptable.

Fuck it. Fuck all of it.

I hate this team.

All Is Not Lost

Most of it. But not all.

Some thoughts:

• If you look close enough, you can actually see the fear in Olli Jokinen's eyes. Francois Beauchemin is crazy, and I find it utterly enrapturing.
• After a disappointing goalless performance on Saturday night, Phil Kessel is now on pace for only 46 goals and 81 points.
• Where have you been all my life, Carl Gunnarsson?
• So, according to Don Cherry, Rickard Wallin doesn't belong in the NHL because he wears a gold chain. It's got nothing to do with the fact he's Swedish, and wears a visor. Nothing at all. It's because of the chain. Just when I thought Cherry couldn't possibly reach a new low, he's gone and proved me wrong. Because only terrible hockey players wear gold chains.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs remain the NHL's most abominable defensive team (67 GA), with the 29th-best save percentage (.878), and league's worst penalty killing success rate (71.5%). It all goes back to the question that has haunted mankind since the beginning: what came first, the goaltender or the coach?

Scribes are busy claiming we are already in the midst of a lost season. Yet here we are, in November. It's far too early to write off the playoffs. (You know me, I think it's never too late.) With 64 games left on the docket, my plan involves conveniently ignoring the standings, and believing that this club will somehow flick the switch and get it.

I believe in the proverbial on/off switch that is found in the realm of professional sports.

If all else fails, Brian Burke can fire Ron Wilson. That'd be nice.