I'm not a machine ...

I certainly ran with that whole "I Believe In Vernon Wells" shtick. It was a grind; he took a ton of abuse this season. But I like to think I pulled it off. I never stopped believing. And Wells rewarded me: he hit .312 in September, the month that doesn't matter. Vernon's going to ride that average into the off-season, and into 2010. Next summer, he's going to earn all $12.5 million of his salary.

Okay, fine, maybe not all of it. But certainly three quarters of it.

My point is: I don't have the energy to believe in Vesa Toskala. And, frankly, I'd rather believe in Jonas Gustavsson.

At least Wells has a track record. A few successful seasons, Gold Glove awards, and a couple of All-Star selections to hang his very expensive coat on. Even, believe it or not, MVP votes.

Toskala's got nothing. I'm holding on to February 2009 and his .912 save percentage for dear life.

It was up to Toskala to make sure there was no goaltending controversy in Toronto this season. Four periods and an overtime later, he's already failed that test. An .800 save percentage? Sample size be damned, get out of the crease.

With Toskala taking home $4 million this season, and his trade value likely as low as it's ever been, it's hard to believe the Leafs gave up a first-round pick to acquire him. Actually, it's not, but you know what I mean.

San Jose sold high back in June 2007, a concept the Leafs are still trying to grasp. And that's where it gets tough for the current regime. Do you play Toskala, and hope he regains some of his mostly average form, in the hopes of getting something, anything, back in return for him? Or do you unleash The Monster (I've been sitting on that one for a while), and see what he can do?

I'd love for Brian Burke to be able to trade Toskala. Perhaps give Detroit a call. They did take Larry Murphy.

But Gustavsson's here on a one-year contract and, if he's the real deal, he needs the opportunity to showcase his talent. One legendary pre-season save later, I think we all agree that young Jonas can better Toskala's numbers. I mean, that save was out of control. And Jesus knows Vesa hasn't set the bar high enough.

If the Leafs are going to be unbearable to watch, which it seems they might, I'd rather it be Gustavsson being shelled than Toskala. Vesa's worth little to nothing to us now.

I could defend Vernon Wells because of his, and I use the term loosely, "glory days." Toskala has yet to see his own, and it's hard to believe there are any in his future.

UPDATE: Gustavsson has been emancipated. He'll be in goal tonight. It will be his first of many victories against the Ottawa Senators.

I Don't Like To ...

... dump all over Andrew Raycroft. OK, fine, I do. But you know what? I'll never do it again. I'm getting out of that business. More accurately, I've been forced out of that business.

The NHL's regular season is over and, adding insult to the fact that the Toronto Maple Leafs are once again on the outside looking in at the playoffs (!!!!1), Raycrap finished with a save percentage higher than that of Vesa Toskala's; .001 percentage points higher, to be exact.

Oh, the humanity.

With that, my Raycroft-bashing days are over. I declared that if Toskala was looking up at Raycroft's save percentage come season's end, I'd offer "Razor" an apology, and never talk ill of him again. Well, I'm a man of my word.

It doesn't matter that Raycroft started 27 games compared to Toskala's 53. It doesn't matter that the Colorado Avalanche, as a team, allowed 36 fewer goals than Toronto. It doesn't matter that the Maple Leafs were the worst defensive and penalty killing team in the league.

What matters is that five-on-five Raycroft was better than Toskala, posting a .905 save percentage to Toskala's .903 at even strength. Sure, Toskala's save percentage on the penalty kill was higher than Raycroft's (.841 to .832), but both numbers are downright pathetic, so they cancel each other out.

Ugh. Toskala shouldn't have been playing hurt. Period. No more excuses. I hope he's deeply, deeply ashamed of himself.

The bottom line? Raycroft and Toskala both suck.

That's it, that's all, I'm done. Sorry, Raycroft. I'll see you in hell.

Now, to bring it all back to the title of the post, and to try and erase Raycroft the goalie who shall never again be named from our collective psyches, London, Ontario's own ShadK ...

Housekeeping:

You'll notice that the comments section has changed around here; no more pop-up window. It's all now done within the post. If you loathe change, let me know; we can always return to the good old days. Your feedback would be appreciated. Remember: without you, there would be no blog.

Well, there would be. But no one would be reading it. And what the fuck's the point of that?

Exit Stage Right

It's official. I hate Vesa Toskala. After the Leafs opened the scoring last night in Tampa Bay, Toskala's promiscuous legs opened up, as well. And I don't have to tell you what happened next.

But I will anyway.

Before I could say "What the fuck, Vesa!?!," it was 4-1 Lightning. Four goals in four minutes and 13 seconds. Toskala's night was over, and rightfully so.

Twelve shots. Eight saves. And, for me, a broken heart.

I want Vesa to succeed. I want him to play well. As much as I rail on him, as much as I call him the sluttiest goalie in all the land, I want him to win. I'm a goalie. I hate to see one of my own go through the type of season he's going through. Especially after the effort he gave Toronto last year. 

But I can't support him anymore. Not when he looks completely indifferent, night in and night out, in the crease. It's killing me.

I truly believe that with a goalie who could provide NHL-calibre goaltending, this Leafs team might be fighting for a playoff spot. I know, it's not what's best for the franchise right now, but in my utter and beautiful shortsightedness, I want nothing more than to watch Toronto Maple Leafs playoff action.

I'm done with Vesa. I know I'm giving up on him without much of a fight, but it's over between us. I deserve better. I'm sorry, but there's not much left to look forward to but the day he is no longer wearing the blue and white.

Saturday, Leafs and Penguins. Two words: Pogge time.

*UPDATE*

Vesa and I are back together. 

Once the emotion subsided, I had a talk with Kimberlass, of the infamous Puck Huffers. She's got a soft spot for Toskala, and she, in her endless wisdom, convinced me that I cannot abandon him in his darkest hour. As a goalie, it's my duty to support him, especially when he's lower than he's ever been.

So, I apologized to Vesa. Things are tough right now, but we have to believe we'll get through it.

Make no mistake about it, though, Vesa slept on the couch last night.

Quel Surprise!

The Toronto Maple Leafs blew a 3-1 lead in the third period last night.

Florida scored on their only power play of the game, with 53 seconds left on the clock, to send the contest to extras.

Former Leaf Bryan McCabe, whom Leafs fans ridiculously jeer every time he touches the puck, scored the game-winning goal in overtime on a shot Vesa "I'm a goaltending slut" Toskala should easily have stopped.

Yeah. That's about right.

Oh, and remember, I told you not to boo McCabe. I've got to admit, I'm happy for him.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 7: We Meet Again...

Dear Andrew Raycroft,

I must admit, I love that picture. It's actually my new desktop background. It looks like you've been shot. If only I could be so lucky.

I kid, I kid. Calm down. I hate you, but that doesn't mean I wish a drive-by shooting upon you. I'm not a psycho, man.

So, tonight, we finally meet again. I won't lie; I've had this game circled on my calendar for some time.

As of this morning, I'm not sure if you'll actually be between the pipes tonight. It would be a shame if you're on the bench, but I wouldn't be surprised. You don't exactly come across as the most motivated cat, and that's one of your biggest problems. If I were you, I'd be on my knees begging to play tonight. I'd be desperate to prove to Leafs management, and prove to fans just like me, that you are not an epic failure of a goalie.

You know, Andrew, I don't hate many former Leafs. In fact, you're probably the only one. And I've often wondered why.

I think, deep down, it goes back to the end of the 2006/2007 season. You were pulled from the final, most important, game of the regular season, and the Leafs ended up missing the playoffs. Yet you had the nerve to tell everyone you were happy with your season. Happy with your 2.99 GAA and .894 save percentage.

I've never forgiven you for that. I likely never will.

You're a Belleville, Ontario boy, and were playing goal for the mother fucking Toronto Maple Leafs. You were living the dream. You should have taken it more seriously. You should have wanted it more. You should have been pissed off about missing the post-season.

You know, I feel a great sense of irony as I write this, because Vesa Toskala has turned into the goaltending equivalent of a dirty slut; he's turned into you. His numbers, frightening as they are, are actually worse than yours from 06/07. He looks apathetic in the crease, and every bad goal that goes past him is, well, just another bad goal that goes past him. It pains me how much he reminds me of you.

I've lost a lot of faith in Vesa this season. I don't think he's the goalie I thought he was. But tonight isn't about Vesa. It's about you. The Leafs can lose every game the rest of the way out, but I'll be happy as long as they win - as long as they beat you - tonight.

It's not even about revenge. It's about giving a damn. You never did. You bastard.

And my offer from weeks ago still stands: if you finish the season with better numbers than Toskala, that's it, I'm done, I'll never speak ill of you again.

You know, there haven't been a lot of games to get up for so far in this difficult and trying season, but tonight's one of them. I'll be rooting for my Leafs like it's a playoff game tonight.

Here's hoping you're in the crease, and that the red goal light behind you shatters from overuse.

Good luck. May the shitty goalie who least resembles a slut with an open five-hole win.

Go to hell,

eyebleaf

*This letter has been graciously cross-posted by my good friend PPP over at Pension Plan Puppets. Go there, and sign up for an account. It's one big, happy family group therapy session, and Maple Leafs blogging headquarters.

*UPDATE*

Raycroft's playing. It's on.

Nobody said it was easy...

But no one ever said tanking would be this hard to deal with, either.

I hate numbers. I like bullet points, but I really hate numbers. Especially the random ones below*, owned by our beloved, but defensively challenged, Toronto Maple Leafs:

• 164 - Only the Atlanta Thrashers have allowed more goals (167). But we've got a game in hand. Fuck.
• 3.48 - Teams that allow more than three goals a game are garbage. Period.
• .533 - The Leafs' winning percentage when they score first. Twenty-seventh best (I'm trying to trick myself into being optimistic) in the NHL.
• .393 - When the Leafs outshoot their opponent, they win only 39% of the time. Dead last in the league. And pathetic.
• 6 - One goal game victories. Tied for last in the league. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again.
• 13 - Losses by a margin of three goals or more. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again. But, hey, at least we're first in something. I guess.
• 28.4 - Shots allowed by the Leafs per game. Actually, it's the sixth-best total in the league. It's a real shame the goaltending is ECHL-quality.
• 101 - Goals allowed five-on-five. Twenty-ninth best. Want to know how good the Bruins are? They've allowed only 65.
• 32 - Goals bagged by the Leafs in the first period. Twenty-eighth best!
• 55 - Goals allowed in the first period. Worst in the league. It's a pleasure to see that Ron Wilson has his boys ready to play from the opening faceoff every night. Well done, coach.
• 59 - Goals allowed in the second period. Worst in the league. Even worse than the opening 20 minutes. Jesus.
• 73 - Goals allowed on home ice. Twenty-eighth best. Anyone else seeing a trend here?
• 87 - Goals against on the road. Twenty-eighth best. At least we're consistent.
• 23 - Power play goals allowed at home, and on the road. Like I said, this team is nothing if not consistent. Consistently garbage.
• -10 - Tomas Kaberle's plus/minus rating this season. He's never been worse than  -8. In his career. Sadness.
• .444 - Toronto's league-worst save percentage in the shootout. Shocking, I know.
• 3.30 - Vesa Toskala's horrid goals against average. Slow start my ass.
• .885 - Toskala's slutty save percentage. Close your legs. Please. I hate you right now, Vesa.
• 73.7% - My favourite, the penalty kill success rate. I just threw up in my mouth.

This post was, arguably, the most painful I've written. Ever. Luckily for the both of us, I no longer acknowledge the existence of Curtis Joseph.

Unfortunately, there's still half a season to go. 

Yep, I'll see you at the bar.

*All the fucking brutal numbers are courtesy of NHL.com.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 5: An Apology, Maybe...

Sidney Crosby and his hapless Pittsburgh Penguins were the latest team to succumb to the goaltending force known as Andrew Raycroft, dropping a 5-3 decision on Saturday afternoon.

I figured the final nail in the coffin of Pens coach Michel Therrien, or "hockey dad" as he's lovingly called by my girl Lori over at Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes, would have been a loss to the one and only Raycroft. But that wasn't the case. The Pens lost, Therrien's still got his job, and Raycroft continues to defy all logical, well, logic.

Raycroft's effort on Saturday was reminiscent of his days with the Toronto Maple Leafs. He stopped only 21 of 24 shots, but he won. Again. And wins are nice.

Now that he's won seven games in a row...

Sorry, I need a second. I can't believe I just wrote that.

...

OK. My apologies. Let's try this again. Yes, I did just take a shot of Wiser's. 

Now that he's won seven games in a row, it's looking more and more like our good pal Andrew may supplant Peter Budaj as the number one goalie in Denver. Raycroft will be between the pipes tonight in Columbus when the Avalanche visit the Blue Jackets.

I know, what a world.

What I don't know is what Raycroft, now sporting a 9-1 record and a .905 save percentage, wants from me. I don't really know why he's doing this to me. I mean, haven't us Leafs fans, and you know, fans of good goaltending, suffered enough? Raycroft's exploits remind me of Happy Gilmore, when he told Shooter McGavin, "Uh oh, Happy learned how to putt!" Suddenly, he's learned how to play goal again. Bastard. 

I'm at my wits end. How can I make fun of Raycroft when he's sporting solid numbers, and when the Leafs are easier in their own end than a couple of Jarvis St. hookers? I can't, dammit. I've become so disillusioned with Vesa Toskala and his whore-like five-hole to the point where I'm willing to offer Raycroft an apology...maybe.

If, by the end of the season, Raycroft's save percentage (.905) is still higher than Toskala's (.882, fuck!), I will offer Raycroft a full apology, and never, ever, talk smack about him again.

Basically, the ball is now firmly in Toskala's court. He's got half a season to pull up his God damn panties jock strap, and play with some pride. I mean, as a Leafs fan, I don't have much of anything. It would be a damn shame for me to lose "The Raycrap Report," as well.

Oh, and just to warn you, if Raycroft does in fact finish with a higher save percentage than Toskala, and Paul Maurice leads the Carolina Hurricanes to the playoffs, I'm going to need a hug, and a glass of booze, more than I've ever needed either before.

The Raycrap Report Vol. 3: Dear Vesa Toskala,

No, Vesa, I didn't photoshop that picture. That is Andrew Raycroft making a glove save on Marty St. Louis. In a shootout, no less.

Raycroft won again last night, Vesa. No, I'm not fucking around. Check the box score, bro. That's seven wins for him this season. Yep, half as many as you have. And you've started 34 games compared to his nine.

You know what else? His 2.71 GAA blows your 3.27 out the frame. But fuck the goals against average. We all know it's the save percentage that really matters. Well, the news isn't good on that front either, my friend. Raycroft's sporting a .894 to your .885. Almost a full percentage point better than you.

No, Vesa, I don't want to hear it. I don't care if the Avalanche are scoring goals for him. In his last five games, Raycroft's allowed only 11 goals, and won them all. Where has that type of consistency been from you? Where, dammit?

This is tough for me, man. You have to know that. Here I am, the guy telling people not to boo Bryan McCabe, now comparing you to Andrew Raycroft, the one guy I hate with every fibre of my being.

You've let me down, Vesa. I've been one of your biggest supporters, and one of your ardent defenders. But how long can I carry on this charade? After 34 games this season with you between the pipes, I don't think I can say that you're a legitimate number one goalie. I'm sorry.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the Leafs are, once again, one of the worst defensive teams in the league. It makes me nauseous to see that the team is killing penalties at an absolutely unacceptable 73% success rate. As much as I complain about Ron Wilson not being able to change the defensive and penalty killing fortunes of this team, I know that a big part of those dastardly numbers are, well, weak goaltending. Like Will Smith said, "Yo fault."

Look, I'm not saying Raycroft is a number one goalie. Even my Dadima knows he's not. But I don't care how many more games you play than that rat bastard, your numbers, especially your save percentage, have to be better than his.

It's time to look in the mirror, my Finnish friend. If your groin is hurt, tell Ron Wilson you need some time, and let the God damn injury heal. There's no point trotting you out there every night if you're going to give us pathetic goaltending. I mean, we've got Curtis Joseph for that.

You were supposed to be one of the few bright spots on this team this season, Vesa. You were supposed to be one of our "assets." Half the season is in the books, and you're having the worst season of your career, bar none. It's time to start giving a damn.

With love,

eyebleaf