Stealing Home: Mass(hole) Appeal

Fenway Park. She remains as I left her: a fantastic place to watch a ball game. Read all about my visit to one of the Meccas of baseball, and what I have to say about the "Massholes," at GlobeSports.com.

Up next on #TBRTOAL, Washington, D.C., and Baltimore.

Stealing Home: Back to Boston

Three years ago to the day, I visited Fenway Park for the first time.

Read all about what happened that night, and what I'm looking forward to seeing Thursday night, at GlobeSports.com.

Someday it'll all make sense ...

One day, I'll stop bitching about the AL East, and how it is the toughest division in baseball. Not today. But one day.

As my man Dean pointed out in the comments of my last post, with the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays having won last night, to sweep a mini two-game set with the Boston Red Sox, the AL East is now home to three teams with 60 or more wins. The Yankees check in with 65, the Red Sox 62, and Tampa Bay 60.

Only one other American League team has hit the mark; the Los Angeles Angels (63). In the National League, three teams: the Los Angeles Dodgers (66), Philadelphia Phillies (60), and San Francisco Giants (60).

Three teams in the AL East. Four throughout the rest of Major League Baseball. Life is cruel. And home, the AL East, has been most unkind to Toronto this season, with the Jays having gone 12-24 against divisional opponents. All in all, it's amazing the Jays have won 51 games so far in 2009. (That's my way of saying J.P. Ricciardi has done a stand-up job with a payroll of only $80 million dollars.)

The Ultimate Flashback Friday

For one night, let's forget about this, another, clusterfuck of a season for our Toronto Blue Jays. Tomorrow night at the SkyDome, for no reason at all, because we don't need a reason, let's celebrate the 1992 and 1993 teams that ran the AL East; that did something truly special for the city of Toronto.

I'll be there. In my powder blue. Cheering wildly like I'm 10 and 11 years old again; like I was when Dave Winfield sent the ball down the left field line in 1992; like I was when Joe Carter's ball cleared the fence in 1993. Hell, I think I'm even going to hit up the autograph sessions.

Speaking of memories, I was actually talking to the boys about the '92 World Series, and Ed Sprague's 9th inning pinch-hit home run in game two vs. Atlanta. Looking back, what an absolutely monumental round tripper. The Jays had lost game one of the series, and were down 4-3 in game two, with only three outs to go. Cue the heroics. A walk to Derek Bell, and a bomb to left field by Sprague to silence the deep south. It came off of Braves closer Jeff Reardon who, according to the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia, was then baseball's all-time saves leader; 5-4 Toronto, the World Series tied at one, and heading to Canada for the first time ever in life. Huge.

Unfortunately, I can't embed Sprague's home run here on the blog, but you can watch it here. Take a minute to do so. Trust me, it'll give you goose bumps.

The salad days. Be there tomorrow night to relive them.

Go Jays.

UPDATE: My man Johnny G mentioned the "Trenches" in the comments. I loved that shit. Sprague, Bell, and Turner Ward. Rudeys, all three of them. I did a quick search, and found this gem from the SI vault:

Sprague didn't play much after being called up—he had only 47 at bats—but he and two other Blue Jay reserves, outfielders Turner Ward and Derek Bell, started something called the Trenches, a silly little rally routine that has enlivened the Toronto bench. They lay a towel labeled TRENCHES on the top step of the dugout, near the bat rack. Bell, the loader, pulls out a bat belonging to a Blue Jay teammate who's about to hit. He passes the bat to Sprague, the exchanger. As the batter comes to the plate, the bat is handed to Ward, the shooter, who fires off an imaginary volley at the opposing pitcher. "If we need a big homer, like tonight," Ward said Sunday night, "I turn the bat around and make it a bazooka." The imaginary warfare may seem juvenile, but when one of the soldiers has to come into a game, his place is often taken by Toronto's 41-year-old star, Dave Winfield. "He's our commander in chief," says Sprague. As so often happens in battle, it was the guys in the trenches who won Game 2.

Makes you love Winfield even more, doesn't it?

Trenches!1

A Fractured Support System

Since returning from the disabled list on June 29th, Roy Halladay's won a single game. Why? No, certainly not because of the trade rumours. That's ridiculous. Doc's an incredibly well-paid athlete; that shit comes with the territory. Harry Leroy can't get into the victory column because the Kevin Millar batting cleanup led Toronto Blue Jays can't be bothered to give him any God damn run support.

June 29th vs. Tampa Bay: zero runs. Doc departed after six innings; the Jays struck for their only run of the game in the 8th inning.

July 4th at New York: five runs. Clearly, that's about as good as it gets for Halladay.

July 9th at Tampa Bay: two runs.

July 19th vs. Boston: three runs. A masterful Halladay performance in a 3-1 win.

July 24th vs. Tampa Bay: two runs. Garzafied.

July 29th at Seattle: two runs. Toronto was two-hit over seven by Ryan fucking Rowland-Smith.

Yesterday, August 4th, vs. New York: three runs. The Jays left eight runners on base last night. Individually, 16. While Doc threw another complete game. For shame.

That's seven games, and 17 runs; an average of 2.43 runs when Doc's been on the mound. In other words: absolutely pathetic. What breaks my heart: six of those seven starts have come against Tampa Bay, New York, and Boston. Halladay deserves more. Halladay deserves better.

It's during moments of weakness such as this one that I begin to wonder about 2010. Sure, Toronto can boast a rotation of Halladay, Ricky Romero, Shaun Marcum, and any combination of Brett Cecil, Scott Richmond, Mark Rzepczynski, and Jesse Litsch. Who knows, maybe even Dustin McGowan. But no rotation will make up for the fact that this team just can't get it done offensively in the AL East. I'm looking right at you, Vernon Wells. And, please, J.P. Ricciardi, get Millar the fuck off my favourite team.

The Best in the Business

If you had to ask me to choose between The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair and SI's Tom Verducci, I couldn't do it. Both of them know their baseball. And both of them just "get it."

Saith Verducci, from a must-read piece about the lunatics who think the Jays were "losers" at the trade deadline because Ricciardi didn't pull the trigger on a Halladay trade:

"So what did people expect? That the Blue Jays should lower their asking price on the best pitcher in baseball when they didn't have to move him in the first place? Would compromising when they didn't have to do so put them in the 'winners' category? Ownership really didn't want to dump such a popular franchise player, anyway."

There's more. Please use it freely as ammunition against the Ricciardi bashers (especially: Joanna):

"Toronto is not Cleveland, with its budget problems, Pittsburgh, with an organizational model that has been a complete failure, Kansas City, which is awful but still wastes money on second-tier journeymen who don't know how to win, or San Diego, which will check out of the contending business for the next couple of years until its farm system improves. Toronto's problem is that it is a good team in the wrong division. 'Good isn't enough,' Ricciardi said. 'You have to be great.' The Blue Jays have won between 83 and 88 games seven times in the previous 11 years, have a winning record in that span with more wins than the Cubs, Diamondbacks and a dozen other teams -- and still didn't sniff the postseason. Eight National League teams made the playoffs in that time with 88 or fewer wins."

Nope, playing in the AL East has nothing - nothing at all - to do with the fact the Jays haven't played October baseball since 1993. And keep calling it an "excuse." It's not. It can't be. It's reality.

Here's some Blair. Just the goods, and no bullshit, as per the usual:

"Call up Travis Snider. Ship out Kevin Millar. Do something. Never mind cowboy up. I’d rather see cowboy out. I mean, manager Cito Gaston announced an open audition for the cleanup spot before Tuesday night’s game, and it’s not even mid-August. How does that happen in the American League East, anyhow?"

Cito. He's a stubborn, stupid, silly man.

One more link. I'm not happy about it, but thanks to Drew - LtB's most recent post over at the always resourceful Ghostrunner on First, I will cease mercilessly hating on Rod The Bod Barajas. But that .288 on-base percentage is still disgusting.

Evil Empires

All things being equal, if both the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees made the best, and essentially the same (solid young pitcher and prospects), offer for Roy Halladay, where would you prefer J.P. Ricciardi trade him?

It's a no-brainer over here: New York. Start spreading the news.

I'd rather see Doc don pinstripes, and be reunited with his soulmate A.J. Burnett, than be embraced by Red Sox Nation as one of their own. That's how much I hate Boston.

What about you?

The BoSox have, though, upped their offer for Halladay: Clay Buchholz, one of Justin Masterson or Michael Bowden, Lars Anderson, and a third minor leaguer of lesser value.

The offer still isn't good enough. No offer will ever be good enough in return for Harry Leroy III.

Buchholz circa 2008 frightens me; 93 hits in 76 innings, 57 earned runs, 1.76 WHIP, 6.75 ERA, .299 opponents batting average, and, worst of all, an ERA+ of only 68. Sure, he's young, but, to put it succinctly, fuck that.

And Theo Epstein can keep both Masterson and Bowden. It's Daniel Bard, who this year has struck out 64 batters in 49.2 innings in AA-ball, 29 batters in 16 innings in Triple-A Pawtucket, and 36 batters in 28.2 innings with Boston, who has to be Toronto bound for this deal to even be considered. (Bard's 212 ERA+ this season is filthy, and he's yet to allow a home run.) Bowden's numbers are decent - his WHIP down on the farm is impressive - but Bard is the better prospect.

As for Lars Anderson, while he's said to have All-Star upside, his .735 OPS in AA-Portland doesn't knock my socks off.

It's simple: if Epstein won't even talk top prospects Bard, Ryan Westmoreland, and Casey Kelly, well, good luck the rest of the way with Brad Penny and John Smoltz.

Don't you dare settle, J.P.

Speaking of Doc, I'll be live blogging today's 4:30PM series finale between Seattle and Toronto over at The Score. If Halladay's still a Blue Jay come game time, it will be his last "last start" as a member of the team, so be sure to join me. (I'm fully anticipating Doc being removed from the lineup a half hour before game time, his Jays career over, and a trade imminent. That's when shit is going to get real.)

Hopefully Doc will indeed be on the mound, and help his mates rebound from yet another heartbreaking loss. Building on the theme that was most prevalent last night amongst The Monkey Army over at Drunk Jays Fans, it's hard to fathom just how unlucky the 2009 Blue Jays have been; 19 one-run losses and 10 extra innings losses. Both, unfortunately, tops in the league.

The last time the Jays were victorious in extra innings was way the fuck back on May 2, when they were in first place in the AL East. Since then, they've dropped nine in a row in extras. The DJF crew - the normal ones, not the angry, psychotic douchebags - are right: this team would be a lot easier to deal with if it just flat out stunk.

Once again, all we're left with is "what if ..."

Quickly

The Summer of Tallet rolls on. His performance today might have been his best yet, considering how he fared in innings one and two.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tallet, who has allowed three runs or less in his last six starts. What a rudey.

And give it up for J.P. Riccardi, who traded Bubbie Buzachero to get him ...

Want to know one of the many reasons why I love Cito Gaston? For allowing Tallet to finish the seventh inning, elevated pitch count, and the go-ahead runner on second base, be damned. The lanky left-hander shut down the Red Sox and deserved the win. Cito and the offence made sure he got it. Nails ...

Speaking of nails, how about Brandon League? Check out some Pitch F/X goodness courtesy of Ghostrunner on First ...

Speaking of LtB, it's easy to see why he's got a man-crush for Rocco Baldelli. He homered and gave his all to chase down a fly ball in foul territory. Even with his injury-riddled history, Rocco's playing for today, and I have to respect that ...

Four-for-four, with two runs and two RsBI. HOLA ALEX! ...

It's fitting that RR Cool J will have the opportunity to provide the knockout punch in the series finale. Brooms out, yo ...

Playoffs!!1

Bent Not Broken

OK, fine. Really bent. But the point remains: not broken. Except Jesse Carlson and Brian Wolfe. They might be broken after Roy Halladay's though with 'em.

Hey, J.P. Ricciardi: free Jeremy Accardo.

The Blue Jays left home 10 days ago 27-14. They return 27-23. A winless nine-game road trip has rendered their hot start just that: a hot start. And there's nothing wrong with that. The hot start, I mean. Not the road trip. The road trip was completely fucked up.

If you had told me during the off-season that the Jays would lose nine in a row on the road in mid-May (including three to the BoSox) and head into the final series of the month four games above .500, and a game and a half behind the AL East and Wild Card leaders... well, there's no bloody way I'd have believed you. That's outrageous. They would have had to play over .650 ball over their first 40 games.

And they did. The Jays are a game and a half out. I'll take it. 

The road trip? Fuck it. What road trip? It's done and gone.

Much like Cito Gaston's honeymoon. Yesterday's epic loss brought out even the "Fire Cito!" crowd. That's not happening, nor should it. But some lineup changes, some put Lyle Overbay at first base late in games, some don't call for any of Shawn Camp, Carlson, Wolfe or B.J. Ryan from the bullpen, and some urgency would be appreciated. And a win. A win would definitely be appreciated.

Bring on the Red Sox. Greetings to the Massholes. Don't let that nine-game losing streak fool you. It's on. Time to take back the division.

Believe.

The Vernon Wells Hatred Advisory System

As you can see, in the sidebar to your right, up top a little bit, there you go, we're still coming in at SEVERE. But it's new and improved. Not the hate; the hate's been there ever since Wells signed his contract. The image. And it comes courtesy your friend and mine, The Blue Jay Hunter. Cheers, Ian. You're a rudey.

UPDATE: Doc's thrown 14 innings over his last two starts, giving up only three earned runs in the process. He should be 10-1, not 8-1, and that pisses me right off.

UPDATE #2: Archie picked Veronica? Seriously? What a mistake. She was nothing but a bitch, and a tease. 

Until May 29th, Massholes

Look at that, the Blue Jays are still in first place; still playing .600 baseball.

The Red Sox? I hate to channel my inner Dennis Green, but those bastards are who we thought they were.

Yet despite the sweep, it wasn't all bad. 

Brian Tallet gave Cito a quality start in Fenway Park, and Brett Cecil and Bobby Ray learned valuable lessons in defeat. 

The bullpen? Lights out. No Toronto reliever allowed a run. In nine innings of work spread over the three game set, a committee of Jason Frasor, B.J. Ryan, Shawn Camp, Brian Wolfe, Brandon League and Jesse Carlson allowed only seven hits while striking out 12, and walking only two.

Rejoice, Red Sox Nation. Revel in the fact that your beloved BoSox defeated Tallet, who before April 18 last started a game back in 2006, and two rookies fresh from the minors.

While the Jays weren't able to score runs, they sure did hit the ball. Toronto's offence pounded out 25 hits over the last two games, and left 29 men on base in the series, including 12 last night. The big hit simply remained elusive. When you live by the long ball, some nights you die by the long ball. That's the beauty of baseball.

See you next week, at our house, Massholes.

And we'll see you, young Travis Snider, in about a month.

Required Reading:

Over at The Mockingbird, check out the calls Jon Lester got last night from home plate umpire Marvin Hudson. Shocking.

The sky is falling

The Blue Jays have lost two in a row to the evil Boston Red Sox. A fickle fanbase is questioning what it all means on Twitter ...

"Think the Blue Jays are learning what the AL East is all about." - dfs78

Ah, the AL East. You mean the division the Jays went 37-35 against in 2008, 36-36 against in 2007, 43-31 against in 2006, and 38-36 against in 2005. Right, that division.

"My oh my - are we seeing the dismantling of the Jays dreams tonight? I wonder if the charade is up." - chrisfromcanada

The Jays are 78-53 since Cito took over, and are still the best team in the American League, but two losses to the Red Sox, at Fenway Park, in unfathomable succession, means the "charade" might be up. Sounds about right.

"jays, i love that you are showing faith in your rookie pitchers, but maybe it's time for a legit #2 arm? for reals. for really reals." - berlap

"For really reals"? The fuck? 

"After tonight's game the Jays will be 1-4 against non-BAL opponents in the AL East; go away, frauds." - JamalG

Against non-BAL opponents in the AL East, Jamal's beloved Yankees are 4-9. In his magical world, that makes New York legit.

"watching the beginning of the end of the blue jays' season." - jbyck

You know what, you're absolutely right. Those first 41 games? Fuck 'em. It's over.

"jays playing real teams = back to reality. Enjoy the freefall!" - scottph

As opposed to all those fake teams Toronto played through the first month and a half of the season. 

"Jays trip to Boston = Rihanna's trip to the Grammy's." - scwatts

Hilarious.

"The last two series vs. the Yanks/Sox have shown the Jays what happens when you play real teams...the wheels are falling off." - justingaynor

Forget about the wheels, I must really have missed the memo about all these fake MLB teams Yankees and Red Sox fans are talking about. Who knew?

"Jay's are front runners. they are collapsing faster then the economy last june." - FRwritings

Never mind the [sic]'s (RIP Fire Joe Morgan). The Jays' two-game losing streak against Boston, in May, at Fenway Park, where Boston has won more than 48 games every season dating back to 2003, is clearly on par, if not more dramatic in scope, with the collapse of the U.S. and global economy. A sticker for FRwritings for staying on top of current affairs.

Two games later, and the white towels of surrender are being readied. When it comes to the Jays, Toronto's got a complex, "for really reals." 

Look, it was an important lesson learned by Brett Cecil, and he'll be a better pitcher because of it. It's a long, long season; ups and downs. Have a drink, and enjoy the fucking ride. 

Remember, Cito's Jays have yet to lose three in a row. Even if they do, they're still heading to Atlanta atop the standings.

Viva Scutaro

Every now and then, I get something right. It's rare, but it does actually happen. Here's what I wrote back in December, when rumours of Rafael Furcal becoming a Blue Jay were flying around, and when some in the Jays' blogosphere were questioning Marco Scutaro's spot on the team ...

Rafael Furcal? It's possible. Although I still don't think Marco Scutaro at shortstop is what's wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays.

What I was insinuating, of course, was that a) there's nothing wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays, and b) 41 games into the season Scutaro would arguably be the most productive shortstop in all of baseball.

Scoots has walked an impressive 35 times, tops in the Majors. (Derek Jeter, for example, has taken a free pass only 16 times.) Scutaro also leads the Majors in runs scored, with 36, and his 20 RsBI are good for second in the American League among shortstops.

All this while playing flawless defense in 348.2 innings on the field. He's the only shortstop in baseball yet to make an error.

John McDonald who?

Brooms

Even the baseball Gods are shining down upon the Blue Jays. A four game set against the Chicago White Sox, and Toronto missed Mark Buehrle. You know what that means: brooms!1

In between Roy Halladay's start on Sunday, we blessed Jays fans were treated to a combined 21 innings from Brett Cecil, Robert Ray and Scott Richmond, in which they allowed only 14 hits and three earned runs. If that doesn't get you aroused, this should: on May 18, 2008, the Blue Jays' pitching staff, which would go on to be the best in baseball last year, had allowed 181 runs. On May 19, 2009, the Jays have allowed 174 runs, and have scored a whopping 60 more. 

Oh yeah, Halladay won the AL Player of the Week award. If he cared, I might, too.

Off to Boston

A big series, one in which the kids Cecil and Ray will get their first taste of Fenway Park. No Doc, but I've got faith. Here's hoping the offense makes the short porch out in left field its bitch, and gives the kids some support.

Sure, it's still early, but there's a sense of satisfaction about heading down to the Massholes' natural environment as the hunted, rather than the hunter.

Remember, I hate the Boston Red Sox. You should, too.

Those obnoxious, annoying Blue Jays fans

I like Jeff Passan. Enjoy his work. Been reading him ever since he joined Yahoo! Sports. But Passan doesn't feel the same way about me, or us. He thinks we - Toronto Blue Jays fans - are obnoxious, annoying homers.

About a month ago, while travelling the internetz, I stopped by a live chat being run by the fine folks at Big League Stew. Cliff Lee was the topic of conversation at the time and, as I involuntarily do whenever I read or hear Cliff Lee's name, I commented that Roy Halladay, and certainly not Lee, should have won the 2008 American League Cy Young Award.

That was enough to set off Passan. Here's what he had to say:

"I have a feeling that if the Blue Jays are ever good again, they're going to give Red Sox fans a run for their obnoxious money.

"I love Roy Halladay -- picked him to win the CY this year -- but come on. How can you make that argument?

"I'm just saying: Toronto fans are tremendously parochial, to the point that it becomes annoying. They are funny and cool and I'd definitely love to drink a beer with them, but their homerism is way over the top."

It's been a few weeks - I am arguably the world's greatest procrastinator - but allow me to respond.

Well, Mr. Passan, the Jays are good again. And while I'm the last person in Toronto to argue a charge of over-the-top homerism, to say that Blue Jays fans could ever be as obnoxious as the Massholes is flat-out fucking ridiculous. That's a whole other level of douchebaggery.

Oh yeah, Halladay. Look, Doc faced the Boston Red Sox, Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays, and New York Yankees a combined 16 times last season. Six starts against New York, and five each against Boston and Tampa Bay. Cliff Lee faced those three teams four times. One start against Boston, one against New York, and two versus Tampa Bay. The only team Lee faced five times last season: the 75-87 Kansas City Royals.

I know the schedule is largely to blame, but that's why I can make that argument, Mr. Passan. Because that disparity has got to mean something.

But it's all good. The beer's on me, Passan. Enough about 2008, and Cliff Lee.

How about Brian Tallet? The much maligned J.P. Ricciardi has somehow put together an embarrassment of riches on the mound for the Blue Jays, and you probably won't find him getting much credit for it.

With guys like Casey Janssen and Ricky Romero set to return in a week or so, and Jesse Litsch not far behind, questions abound. Such as: how the fuck do you return Tallet to the bullpen?

And while I hate to overlook the second edition of Cecil Time this afternoon, Tuesday night looms large: Roy Halladay vs. A.J. Burnett. 

Be there. I need not say more.

UPDATE: I lied, I do have more to say. As bklades pointed out in the comments, and I fully agree with him, when it comes to Jays fans, pessimism reigns supreme.  Most casual fans are just waiting for this Jays team to struggle so they can say "I told you so!" Some advice: if you're going to depart the bandwagon, do so quietly. And use the door at the back, assholes.

Dare I say 2010?

Contract talks between Jason Bay and the Boston Red Sox have broken off.

Bay will be a free agent next winter. Already, when I close my eyes, I see him in a Toronto Blue Jays uniform.

If arguably the best Canadian baseball player in the game signs with Canada's team, well, Richard Griffin's column the day after sure would be a must read.

Bay. A Blue Jay. Imagine.

That excited feeling between your legs? Embrace it.

How does a 2010 Jays team with Bay in left field, Alex Rios in centre field, Vernon Wells in right field, Travis Snider DHing, and Adam Lind at first base (so long, Lyle) sound?

With Roy Halladay leading the way on the mound, of course...

End Of An Era...

Do not be alarmed. That picture, by all accounts, is real. On some distant planet many, many years ago, Brad Wilkerson did, in fact, receive a curtain call. He played for some team called the "Expos." No, I don't know who the hell they are, either.

It's over, my friends. The Brad Wilkerson era in Toronto, which began on May 9, 2008, has mercifully come to an end nine agonizing months later.

Wilkerson, a free agent, is off to play terrible baseball for the Boston Red Sox, the fourth team he will inevitably let down in the last five years.

His signing, worth a base salary of $400,000, but with the potential to go as high as $2.5 million, proves that baseball actually is immune to the ills of the global financial crisis. If Wilkerson can parlay his dry-heaves inducing 2008 statistics - a .220 batting average, .308 on-base percentage, and .634 OPS - into a job during these trying economic times, well, Major League Baseball is doing just fine, thank you very much.

You know, I don't know much in life, but I am certain about one thing: my unborn son is so playing baseball.

As he packs his bags for New England, I wish Wilkerson nothing but the best. I look forward to never seeing him in a Toronto Blue Jays uniform again.

Well, well, well...

I could have sworn John Smoltz said he wanted to retire a member of the Atlanta Braves.

I could have sworn Smoltz said he loved the city of Atlanta, and that the Braves were the only Major League Baseball team he wanted to play for.

Smoltz was the face of the franchise down in the ATL. A 21-year Atlanta veteran, solid in the community, and known as one of baseball's stand-up guys.

Today, he's a member of the Boston Red Sox. I guess shit happened, and Smoltz changed his mind.

Imagine that.

I Used To Like Kevin Garnett

My good friend, and loyal Sports And The City reader, Karan said it best: "Anything is possible...except some class in Beantown."

Peep this from Monday night:

It's one thing to talk trash. Bring the heat, KG. Jose Calderon can handle it. It's another to clap in his face, and point and wave a finger at him like a pompous (m)asshole.  

Good on Jose for getting right back into KG's grill after the fact, because that was some bullshit.

It's obvious that the city of Boston has had an impact on Garnett. In just over a year he's gone from being a loveable loser, to a champion, and now, much like his New England brethren, to a douchebag.

Way to keep it classy, KG. 

Anything less in Boston would have been uncivilized.

I still hate the Boston Red Sox

The champagne was on ice. The plastic sheets were up all over my apartment. I even had my goggles ready to go. Then the Boston Red Sox, left for dead, came back. Massholes everywhere rejoiced.

It wasn't supposed to go down like that.

Trailing 7-0 in the 7th inning, it looked like the Red Sox were going to fade quietly into the night. Watching the game on television I swear I'd never heard Fenway Park so quiet. I was revelling in the fact that the Massholes - those unlovable, incorrigible, "we are entitled to every pro sports championship in the world" douchebags - were going to watch the Tampa Bay Rays win the pennant on their turf. Nothing was going to have been better.

Well, talk about the sports fan's equivalent of premature ejaculation.

I should have known. The Boston Red Sox never fade quietly into the night. I'm still having a hard time believing they managed to come back against the mighty Rays' bullpen, with their backs up against the wall to boot. It was high drama. Then again, these are the Red Sox. These are, even sans Manny Ramirez, the defending World Series champions. Jeff Blair of The Globe and Mail, also known as the finest baseball writer on the planet, was kind enough to point out that Boston has won eight ALCS elimination games in a row, and nine of 10 overall. Pardon my French, but that's fucking ridiculous.

Can the BoSox do it again, and pull off another miracle comeback? I can't put it past them. I won't lie, I'm worried about the Rays. They're a bunch of kids, after all. What happened Thursday night, especially Evan Longoria's error in the bottom of the ninth, has the potential to propel the Red Sox back to the World Series.

As much as I do hate the Boston Red Sox, and I really, really do, it's got to be one hell of a joyride being on that bandwagon. From the highest highs to the lowest lows and then back again. Sort of like the Dow Jones.

Before I forget, I want to take this opportunity to point out just how fickle the Massholes, and the MSM that cover the Red Sox, collectively are. I want to show you just how loyal "Red Sox Nation" really is. With their most clutch hitter, and arguably one of the most clutch hitters ever, David Ortiz scuffling at the plate, his nick-name went from "Big Papi" to "Big Popup." You know that Ortiz guy? He was kind of, just kind of, instrumental in bringing a couple of titles to Boston. Of course, after his home run two nights ago, Ortiz is back to having his cock sucked by the Massholes.

It gets better. The "Nation" has turned on their beloved Captain, Jason Varitek, booing him and his pathetic .115 post-season batting average. Varitek's shit. I know it, you know it, and we all know it. In fact, we've all known it for a while. But now the Massholes stop defending him? Really? Now? When he needs their support the most? Classy bunch of fans over there in Boston, man, real classy.

Tonight at the Trop it's going to be Josh Beckett vs. James Shields. Tampa Bay will try to clinch the pennant at home, in front of their oh so loyal fan base who have stuck by the team through thin and, well, thinner. Yes, all eleven people who comprise the "oh so loyal fan base" will be in attendance and, let me tell you, they can't wait.

Speaking of Beckett, he has not looked like the Mr. October he normally is but, in typical Red Sox fashion, I'm expecting him to throw an absolute gem. Maybe he can tear a page out of Curt Schilling's book and paint his sock red. Fake blood worked like a charm the first time around.

For the Rays to win, Shields needs to go pitch-for-pitch with Beckett, and the middle of the Rays' lineup has to be just as good as it was on Thursday. Most importantly, though, the Rays to a man need to forget about the debacle that ended up being Thursday night.

Make it happen Tampa. Please. No doubt the majority of this city's baseball fans are cheering for you. For the love of God and all humanity, make the Boston Red Sox and the Massholes go away, even if it is just for a few months.

The Agony of Defeat

Is there anything in pro sports more agonizing than watching your opponents celebrate on your turf after they've just ended your season? 

What about when it's the Tampa Bay Devil Rays who have sent you packing? Ouch. Multiply the agony pictured above by 73.

I feel for the Chicago White Sox, and the entire city of Chicago (Chicago is Toronto's cousin). One city, two baseball teams in the playoffs, and neither were able to get past the first round. My heart really goes out to these two. The guy with the sign really needs a hug.

The Rays Have a Bandwagon?

So, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are moving on to the ALCS and, well, it's official: I've hopped on to their bandwagon. Yes, there actually is a Tampa Bay Rays bandwagon. I found it yesterday. I know, it's fucked up. I've got to admit, though, that I'm feeling the mohawks. It's all about solidarity, brother. And who doesn't love a fairytale story of worst (in the entire league) to first?

The Rays remind me a lot of the 2003 Florida Marlins. You know, a bunch of kids who don't seem to be bothered by the pressure that comes part and parcel with October baseball. They've got nothing to lose because no one thought they'd be in this position in the first place. They just play. Oh, and they're coached by an old white dude.

There is one thing, however, that I could do without when it comes to Tampa Bay: this. It pains me deeply to see Eric Hinske going ape shit once again with a bottle of bubbly. It's just not fair; just not right. I saw enough of Shitske and champagne last year after the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. The deplorable Hinske saw a whopping total of two at bats during Boston's march to the title and, yep, you guessed it, he struck out both times. What a douchebag. 

Speaking of the Red Sox, they've got a date with the Devil (Rays). Boston is, most unfortunately, moving on after they finished off the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim last night. While I am happy for the great Canadian Jason Bay now that he has escaped baseball purgatory, you all know how I feel about the Red Sox.

Rays and Red Sox should be a doozy, and undoubtedly intense. These teams don't like each other.

Let me put it this way: when it comes to the Red Sox vs. the Rays, winner moving on to the World Series, I'm hoping I get to see Shitske pop another bottle of Bambino. 

Go Rays.

Halladay fought the good fight, and won...

Yesterday, I sang the praises of A.J. Burnett and how wonderful he was against the Red Sox and Yankees this season. Now, it's time to lavish praise on his brother in arms in the fight against the evil empires, Roy Halladay.

Really, what can I say about Roy Halladay that I haven't said already? He is the greatest pitcher I've ever known. Doc picked up his 20th win of the season last night and when it was all said and done, I wanted to take him in my arms, much like how A.J. did (pictured, yo).

What a performance from Halladay this season. Simply outstanding. He reached the 20 win plateau for the second time in his career and did it with another complete game gem last night, throwing only 96 pitches. For the good Doctor, anything less than a complete game masterpiece would have been uncivilized. It was his ninth complete game of the season and if that statistic doesn't blow you away, it should. It really should. No, seriously, it should.

Halladay finishes the season with a 20-11 record, 2.78 ERA, 1.05 WHIP, 206 strikeouts, and an opponents batting average of .237. He walked only 39 batters all season. In 246 innings. If that statistic doesn't blow you away, it should. It really should. No, seriously, it should.

To put things in perspective, because that's what I do around here, let's compare Halladay's 2008 season with his 2003 Cy Young Award winning campaign:

2003:

22-7 W/L, 36 games started, 266 innings pitched, 96 earned runs, 26 home runs, 32 walks, 204 strikeouts, 3.25 ERA, 1.05 WHIP, .247 opponents batting average, nine complete games and two shutouts.

2008:

20-11 W/L, 33 games started, 246 innings pitched, 76 earned runs, 18 home runs, 39 walks, 206 strikeouts, 2.78 ERA, 1.05 WHIP, .237 BAA, nine complete games and two shutouts.

You know, it's hard to argue against Cliff Lee winning the Cy Young. He's had a phenomenal season. So, here's what I propose: they split the award. Co-winners, know what I'm saying? If Lee is deserving of the award, and he is, equally so is our Doc. It's been well documented that Halladay has faced stiffer competition and, well, just go back a paragraph and have another look at Doc's 2008 stats. He shaved almost half a run off his ERA from 2003, and threw nine complete games to Lee's four. Nine complete games! Nine! I'm truly starting to believe The Ack over at The Tao of Stieb when he says that Halladay is a pitching machine from the future, sent back in time to save all of humanity.

Speaking of that stiffer competition, check out the layout below to see how Doc fared against the evil empires this season:

Doc vs NYY in 2008 (including last night's bonerific start)

Games started: 6

W/L: 5-1

Innings pitched: 45

ERA: 2.40

WHIP: 0.91

Hits: 34

Runs: 12

Earned Runs: 12

Walks: 7

Strikeouts: 31

Opponents Batting Average: .211

Pretty impressive, eh? Two of those starts were complete games, and one was a two-hit shutout which I had the pleasure of being in the ball park for.

Halladay vs Boston Red Sox in 2008

Games started: 5

W/L: 3-2

Innings pitched: 38.2

ERA: 2.56

WHIP: 0.98

Hits: 32

Runs: 12

Earned runs: 11

Walks: 6

Strikeouts: 24

Opponents Batting Average: .224

Doc threw two complete games against the Sox, both in Fenway Park. One of them was actually a 1-0 loss; damn flaccid offence. Actually, of the nine complete games Doc tossed, three of them were losses. The three losses came during a stretch of four consecutive complete games Halladay threw in April. Yep, you read that right: four consecutive complete games. If that statistic doesn't blow you away, it should. It really should. No, seriously, it should.

I think I began to truly appreciate Doc's greatness this year. He is a superstar in every sense of the word, and I'm a better person for having had the chance to watch him, live and on the tube, every five days. When I grow up, I want to be just like Harry Leroy Halladay III.

Doc, along with his best friend forever A.J. Burnett, fought the good fight against the evil empires. And although we're again on the outside looking in at the post-season, my boys, Doc and A.J., they triumphed over evil. For that, I salute them, especially Doc. A.J. is who he is today because of Roy Halladay.

Thanks Doc, for one hell of a season.

Saying Goodbye, Just In Case...

If that was A.J. Burnett's final start with the Toronto Blue Jays, he went out in style, throwing another gem against the detested, the hated, the loathed New York Yankees.

His line last night, you ask? Eight innings pitched, seven hits allowed, one earned run, two walks, and 11 strikeouts. Filthy. Yeah, the Jays lost, but you can just go to hell  it doesn't matter. Last night was about A.J., and watching him receive a standing ovation, and then a curtain call, made me feel slightly aroused. He deserved it. 

Speaking of curtain calls, they're special here in Toronto. We don't fuck around, you know, like Yankee fans, who give curtain calls to everyone and their mother.

A.J. appreciated his moment in the spotlight:

"It gave me goose bumps and tears, almost at the same time. It's great, man. They've been awesome all year. When they've booed, whether I wanted to admit it or not, they deserved to. I think they realize I've taken a big step from who I was when I first came here."

That's right, A.J., you're a pitcher now. No longer a misunderstood young man with a 95 mile per hour heater who couldn't put it all together. Nope, not anymore. Trust me, we realize.

If he leaves us, you know what I'll miss most about Allan James? Efforts like last night's, against divisional douchebags the Yankees, Boston Red Sox, and (I can't believe I'm saying this) Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Looking at A.J.'s splits, he was money against the Red Sox and Yankees this season. Below is a breakdown, so check out the layout:

A.J. vs NYY in 2008 (including last night's bonerific start)

Games started: 5

W/L: 3-1

Innings pitched: 38.1

ERA: 1.64

WHIP: 0.94

Hits: 30

Runs: 8

Earned runs: 7

Walks: 6

Strikeouts: 43

Opponents Batting Average: .219

Two of those starts came in Yankee Stadium, one was a complete game, and one was on three days rest.

A.J. vs Boston Red Sox in 2008

Games started: 4

W/L: 2-0

Innings pitched: 27.2

ERA: 2.60

WHIP: 1.23

Hits: 21

Runs: 9

Earned runs: 8

Walks: 13

Strikeouts: 24

Opponents Batting Average: .206

Both of Burnett's wins against the Sox came in Fenway Park, not exactly the easiest place for a guy to pitch, and one was on three days rest. In 13.2 innings on the mound in Fenway, Burnett did not allow an earned run. For you math whizzes out there, that's an ERA of 0.00.

Like I said, money.

While Burnett didn't enjoy the same success against the upstart Rays, he still pitched 'em respectably, going 1-2 with 3.15 ERA, 1.40 WHIP, and a .263 Rays batting average.

Although injuries fucked up Burnett's 2007 season, he did bitch slap the Red Sox once, and the Yankees twice (small sample size alert):

A.J. vs NYY in 2007

Games started: 2

W/L: 1-0

Innings pitched: 15.0

ERA: 0.60

WHIP: 0.93

Hits: 8

Runs: 1

Earned runs: 1

Walks: 6

Strikeouts: 13

Opponents Batting Average: .160

The way Burnett has pitched the Yankees over the last two years, I won't be surprised if New York goes hard at him with a ton of loot. You know, the Johnny Damon approach. If you can't beat him, piss everyone off by offering him, in this case Burnett, a contract he can't refuse, and that no one in their right fucking mind can match. The true Yankee way.

A.J. vs Boston Red Sox in 2007

Games started: 1

W/L: 1-0

Innings pitched: 8.2

ERA: 3.12

WHIP: 1.38

Hits: 9

Runs: 3

Earned runs: 3

Walks: 3

Strikeouts: 11

Opponents Batting Average: .273

I know, it was only one start, but it was a quality.

As you can see, A.J. brought his best against the best. I'll definitely miss that. 

If he leaves, what I won't miss is his 9.82 ERA in 14.2 innings against the Baltimore Orioles (what the fuck?), his 6.61 ERA in 16.1 innings against Oakland (seriously, what the fuck, the Athletics?), and his 7.30 ERA in 12.1 innings against the Texas Rangers (I have no snide comment, the Rangers are the best hitting team in baseball, and it's a damn shame they have zero pitching).

Ironically, A.J.'s "career year" has seen him put up the highest ERA (4.07) and WHIP (1.34) of any season in which he's made 19 or more starts.

I don't mean to take anything away from A.J. He was great this summer, and a lot of fun to watch. He made it past 220 innings, 221.1 to be exact, good for third in the American League. His 18 wins are good for fourth in the AL, and he'll likely finish first in the AL with 231 strikeouts. Post all-star break, Burnett was dominant, putting up an 8-2 record with a 2.86 ERA (including last night's bonerific start). He was a big reason the Jays were able to make September a little more interesting for us playoff-starved fans.

If last night was the end of the line, a Red Sox and Yankees killer is how I'll remember A.J. The injuries and frustration of 2006 and 2007? Fuck it. A.J. circa 2008 was the guy we thought we were getting when we signed him back in 2005. This is why we gave him the dollar dollar bills, y'all. 

Even if we do only end up getting one good year out of Burnett, man, he was worth it. If he leaves, he takes a piece of my heart along with him.

Raise your glass: cheers, A.J. 

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.