Nobody said it was easy...

But no one ever said tanking would be this hard to deal with, either.

I hate numbers. I like bullet points, but I really hate numbers. Especially the random ones below*, owned by our beloved, but defensively challenged, Toronto Maple Leafs:

• 164 - Only the Atlanta Thrashers have allowed more goals (167). But we've got a game in hand. Fuck.
• 3.48 - Teams that allow more than three goals a game are garbage. Period.
• .533 - The Leafs' winning percentage when they score first. Twenty-seventh best (I'm trying to trick myself into being optimistic) in the NHL.
• .393 - When the Leafs outshoot their opponent, they win only 39% of the time. Dead last in the league. And pathetic.
• 6 - One goal game victories. Tied for last in the league. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again.
• 13 - Losses by a margin of three goals or more. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again. But, hey, at least we're first in something. I guess.
• 28.4 - Shots allowed by the Leafs per game. Actually, it's the sixth-best total in the league. It's a real shame the goaltending is ECHL-quality.
• 101 - Goals allowed five-on-five. Twenty-ninth best. Want to know how good the Bruins are? They've allowed only 65.
• 32 - Goals bagged by the Leafs in the first period. Twenty-eighth best!
• 55 - Goals allowed in the first period. Worst in the league. It's a pleasure to see that Ron Wilson has his boys ready to play from the opening faceoff every night. Well done, coach.
• 59 - Goals allowed in the second period. Worst in the league. Even worse than the opening 20 minutes. Jesus.
• 73 - Goals allowed on home ice. Twenty-eighth best. Anyone else seeing a trend here?
• 87 - Goals against on the road. Twenty-eighth best. At least we're consistent.
• 23 - Power play goals allowed at home, and on the road. Like I said, this team is nothing if not consistent. Consistently garbage.
• -10 - Tomas Kaberle's plus/minus rating this season. He's never been worse than  -8. In his career. Sadness.
• .444 - Toronto's league-worst save percentage in the shootout. Shocking, I know.
• 3.30 - Vesa Toskala's horrid goals against average. Slow start my ass.
• .885 - Toskala's slutty save percentage. Close your legs. Please. I hate you right now, Vesa.
• 73.7% - My favourite, the penalty kill success rate. I just threw up in my mouth.

This post was, arguably, the most painful I've written. Ever. Luckily for the both of us, I no longer acknowledge the existence of Curtis Joseph.

Unfortunately, there's still half a season to go. 

Yep, I'll see you at the bar.

*All the fucking brutal numbers are courtesy of NHL.com.

A Long, Long, Long Off-Season

The season is finally, mercifully, over. For the first time since the 1997/1998 campaign the Toronto Maple Leafs finished with fewer than 90 points. We're in for one long off-season my friends, and I've got a ton of questions that need to be answered.

It hasn't actually set in that the season is over. It feels a little bit surreal, even. Like I'm trapped in this three year nightmare, with a playoff game nowhere in sight. I guess it'll hit home once the second season begins and I'm cheering for the Washington Capitals instead of my Leafs.

These are difficult times, indeed. The franchise is in dire straits. It's impossible to know whether the Leafs can pull a Montreal or Philadelphia and be competitive one year after missing the playoffs. There are simply too many questions to be answered.

In honour of that beautiful segue way, lets do this: 20 Questions, Toronto Maple Leafs excruciatingly long off-season edition.

1. Will the Leafs target Brian Burke as their new general manager? The search for a new president and GM, in typical Leafs fashion, doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Perhaps the Leafs are waiting for the playoffs to end so they can approach Burke with an offer he simply can't refuse. Or perhaps not. Who the hell knows.

2. Like those "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelets, the questions surrounding Mats Sundin's future will loom large over the franchise until the Captain makes his decision. So, what will Mats do? It's a question that has caused many restless, sleepless nights. Will he retire a Maple Leaf, even though he enjoyed a tremendous personal season? Will he sign another one-year contract with Toronto? Will it include a no-trade clause? If the Leafs stink, will we go through the entire process again next year? Will he sign as a free agent with another team, after refusing to be traded at the trade deadline and costing the Leafs valuable draft picks? Oh dear, pass me the TUMS. I'm going to have severe indigestion for the next four freaking months.

3. When will Paul Maurice be fired? It's no longer if, but when. The Leafs finished the season with one of the worst home records in the league, and the NHL's worst penalty killing rate - 78%. The players will be held accountable, but so should the coaches. Maurice is finished, and should be canned sooner rather than later. Which means he'll be fired in August, a couple of weeks before training camp; you know how we do!

4. Who will the Leafs select in the entry draft with their top-10 pick? Unfortunately, it certainly won't be Steve Stamkos or Drew Doughty. With Vesa Toskala signed through 2010 and Justin Pogge already dubbed the future in net, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if the Leafs drafted a goalie.

5. Andrew Raycroft has one year and $2 million left on his current contract. No general manager, unless drunk out of their mind (and even that's a stretch), is going to trade for him. Will the Leafs take the hit and buy out his contract? Will he be banished to the minors next season? One thing is for certain, if Raycrap is still a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs come September, I'm going to have rethink this whole Leafs fan thing.

6. Will Bryan McCabe accept a trade to the New York Islanders? More importantly, will the New York Islanders actually trade for him? One of Pavel Kubina or McCabe's salary must come off the books, and most will agree McCabe should be the one to go. Even I've given up on him. The Islanders are our best hope as McCabe's wife still calls Long Island home. At this point, I'm willing to take back a single prospect, or even a second-round pick, for #24.

7. If McCabe refuses to leave town, or no team is willing trade for him, will the Leafs bite the bullet and buy him out?

8. Sundin can probably fetch $6.5 to $7 million on the market. If he stays with Toronto, will he give the Leafs a discount? If he wants the team to be the least bit competitive, we straight up cannot afford to pay him in the $6-to-$7 million range. I'm thinking more like $4.5 million, and I don't think that would go over too well with Sundin. Excuse me, I said pass the TUMS!

9. Can we throw in Jason Blake if we trade McCabe to the Islanders? Perhaps they would like to have him back. After all, Owen freakin' Nolan scored more goals than Blake this year.

10. I know it was a great body check - probably the best of the year - but is Mark Bell really worth $2.5 million next season? Like McCabe, no one's going to trade for the guy, so will his contract be bought out?

11. Will the next general manager of the Leafs entertain any thoughts of bringing back Pat Burns behind the bench? That would be a whole lot of fucking awesome.

12. If the Leafs do find a suitor for McCabe, how about bringing back Danny Markov? Markov spent the past year in Russia and will be 32 in July. I doubt he'd cost much ($1.5 or $2 million), I think he's still got some hockey left in him and, boy, was he ever a beauty during his first stint in Toronto. What do you think about a defence of: Kaberle/Kubina, Markov/Colaiacovo, Stralman/White?

13. Will Matt Stajan and Kyle Wellwood still be in the blue and white come September? Both are restricted free agents. I think it's a sure bet that Stajan will be back. I hope the case is the same for Wellwood, but I'm not too sure. After another surgery on his groin, who knows what his conditioning will be like. I'm still of the opinion, however, that he's too young and too skilled to simply be given up on.

14. What about John Pohl, Scott Clemmensen, and Dominic Moore? Other than Sundin, they are the only unrestricted free agents of note on the club (Andy Wozniewski is unrestricted as well and here's hoping he, well, goes straight to hell). I think Pohl is done with Toronto, while Clemmensen might be re-signed for another go with the Marlies. And I think Moore has played well enough as a waiver pick up to merit another contract with the Leafs. Dude works hard and should be rewarded.

15. What to do with Darcy Tucker? He finished the season with 18 goals but barely existed for the first four months of the season. He also looked slow out there all year. He was never the fastest skater to begin with, but it seemed like he lost a step. While he does have a no-trade clause, I think Tucker's got too much pride to stick around if he's no longer wanted. And I definitely believe there is a market out there for him. It would be extremely painful to see him go, but it may be time for the Leafs to turn the page.

16. Where have all the twenty goal scorers gone? Other than Sundin who always does it, only one other Maple Leaf scored more than 20 goals this season. It was Nik Antropov, probably the last guy you thought would do it. Sure, the Leafs did have seven players with 15 goals or more, but they need better finish in and around the net. They need a sniper who can get the job done. Blake was brought in to score goals and, while he did put up a respectable 52 points, I was expecting at least 25 to 30 goals from him.

17. Will our new general manager be shopping on July 1st when the free agent markets opens? The crop isn't the greatest, although I definitely wouldn't mind seeing Daymond Langkow in a Leafs uniform as the team's second centre behind Sundin. Other big offensive names on the list are: Kristian Huselius, Markus Naslund, Ladislav Nagy, Brendan Morrison, Sean Avery (imagine him in a Leafs uni?), and Brendan Shanahan. None are guys you can build around, but the Leafs need some proven goal scorers.

18. Who's ready for a full-time promotion from the farm? Are guys like Jeremy Williams, Robbie Earl, Staffan Kronwall and Kris Newbury ready to contribute to the big club all year long? Kronwall hasn't looked all that great and it doesn't seem like Newbury will be much more than a fourth line guy who plays only a few minutes per game. While Williams and Earl looked alright, I'm not sure they are ready for prime time.

19. Are Jiri Tlusty and Nikolai Kulemin sure fire prospects? Tlusty had a decent rookie season all things considered. From his nudey glamour shots to limited fourth line duty, his 10 goals were a pleasant surprise. Will he find himself a fixture on the top two lines come next season? And will Nikolai Kulemin, the best prospect the Leafs have, be ready to play in the NHL in September? Will he be the sniper the Leafs so desperately need, or will he join the long list of Maple Leaf entry draft busts?

20. Will Wade Belak return to the Leafs? Belak's rental experiment didn't work out too well in Florida as he couldn't lead them to the playoffs, and he's scheduled to become an unrestricted free agent. Without Wade on the roster, no one on the Leafs can fight. God knows I could go without seeing Bell and McCabe ever drop the gloves again.

I wasn't lying folks. We're in for one hell of a long, and definitely most interesting, off-season. I say bring it on. After a season like this one, we can only go up from here. At least I hope so.

The Leafs Suck At Everything

As much I hate Andrew Raycroft - and those of you who read this corner regularly know I really, really don’t like the guy – I hate the Buffalo Sabres even more. With a chance to kill Buffalo’s season the Leafs, and Raycroft, did what they always do: fail.

Credit’s due where it’s due, and Raycroft was certainly not Raycrap last night. He was on point in the first two periods for the Leafs, shocking for a guy who hasn’t played in an NHL game since January. While his rebound control was once again atrocious, he just didn’t get burned by it last night.

The Leafs jumped out to a two-nothing lead after twenty minutes. You know, the dreaded “worst lead in hockey.” I would argue that any lead held by the Toronto Maple Leafs is the worst lead in hockey, because you know it’s not going to last.

It didn’t last night. Up 2-1 going into the third, Buffalo tied the game on a phantom goal. The Leafs responded, though, and went up 3-2 thanks to a nifty goal by Alex Steen. Props out to Anton Stralman and The Poni, who both made great passes on the play.

There I was, pissed off about the Blue Jays’ opening night loss, but hoping the Leafs could rescue the night and dash the playoff hopes of those losers down in Buffalo.

Cue the standard bonehead penalty by Bryan McCabe and power play goal that I knew was coming. Tie game, three apiece, and the Sabres are still alive in the hunt for eighth.

In overtime, after Tomas Kaberle rang one off the cross bar, Pavel Kubina was called for the most unbelievable cross-checking penalty I have ever seen in my life. He barely touched the Buffalo player, who didn’t even go down on the play, and the Sabres were given a gift in the form of a man advantage.

They couldn’t capitalize. A shootout ensued, and the Leafs were unable to get ‘er done. Ryan Miller was solid in net for the Sabres in the one-on-one challenge, while Andrew Raycroft continued to show why he is one of the worst goalies in the shootout, ever.

I think Raycroft made two saves, and one of them was by accident. The Sabres either missed the net or rang pucks off the post.

I figured the Sabres, who always get screwed in every sport and on every call, didn’t have destiny on their side. But, in the end, they did have something going for them: Raycroft was in net.

Sure, he played a good game, but in the end, Raycroft was the losing goalie last night, as he always is. It was a fitting end to a game in which the Leafs had two leads in the third period.

The Leafs can’t do anything right. They win when they should lose, and lose when they should win. They’re about as good at playing the spoiler as they are at playing the playoff team.

They better get their act together quickly, though, because they’ve got a chance to drive a stake through the hearts of the Ottawa Senators and their freaking-out fans on Thursday night, in what should be a doozy at the Air Canada Centre.

The Leafs aren’t going to the dance, but if they can do their part and keep the Senators on the sidelines with them, man, that would almost single-handedly salvage this bullshit season.

Blame Raycroft

The Toronto Maple Leafs' season is over. The Boston Bruins delivered the knockout blow last night. If you're like me, you are: a) drinking away the pain, and b) looking for someone to blame. Well, dear friends, look no further than the end of the Leafs' bench. Blame Andrew Raycroft.

Before I completely rip Raycroft apart, I'd like to spend a few moments discussing yesterday's game. First of all, it was atrocious. Second of all, the officiating was awful. Just awful. Thirdly, I hate the Bruins.

Really though, what a bullshit game. Boston scored some terrible goals, and Toskala didn't have a prayer on any of them. In the biggest game of the season, his teammates left him all by his lonesome in the crease. It's a testament to Vesa that the Leafs were still even in the race for the playoffs going into last night. Dude has stood on his head. Mad respect, Vesa.

Ok, somebody help me out here. What the blood clot was Mark Bell thinking last night when he took that bonehead penalty two and a half minutes into the game? It was a bogus call, but Bell should never have given the stripes the choice to call it. What an idiot. The Bruins, of course, scored on the power play and never looked back. Bell handed Boston all of the momentum on a silver freakin' platter.

I'm off Bell, huge. He should report to jail tomorrow and start serving his time. He's obviously not doing much around here. His first, and I hope only, season in the blue and white was a complete bust. He is under contract for next season, for an unworldly $2.5 million bucks, and the Leafs should buy out his contract, straight up, because he's useless.

As for the officiating, it definitely helped me in reaching for the bottle last night. An awful display, plain and simple. Sure, you can say it's typical that here I am, bitching and moaning about the officiating when the Leafs didn't show up, but, well, you're entitled to your wrong opinion. The refs blew it last night. They missed a ton of calls. Off the top of my head, Wellwood was blatantly tripped on a rush near the Boston goal in the first period and Stajan was interfered with while battling for a loose puck in the slot in the second. In both cases, no call. McCabe was given a ridiculous delay-of-game penalty after Boston went up three-love for shooting the puck over the glass. How can the call be delay-of-game when the play was dead? Unbelievable. And the goaltender interference penalty to Alex Steen in the third period was a joke as well. He was clearly pushed into Tim Thomas, yet still made an attempt to avoid hitting the Bruins keeper. If Steen wanted to, he could have killed that clown Thomas, but he still was charged with an infraction. Un-freaking-believable. Five power plays for the Bruins, including one two-man advantage, and two power plays for Toronto. Well done, stripes.

Anyway, it's all over. The Leafs had to run the table in their final nine games and, while they got off to a good start, it was an improbable mission to begin with. Toronto reminded me of a boxer who was on the ropes, continuously being beaten and knocked down, but always getting up before the count reached ten.

Well, the count reached ten last night. A spirited and gutsy effort by the Leafs the last month or so, but a TKO nonetheless. The Bruins, with 86 points, are now six points clear of Toronto and hold a game in hand. The best the Leafs can do now is finish with 90 points, and that simply won't get the job done. As most everyone predicted, the hole the Leafs dug themselves was too deep to dig out of.

While last night's contest was an extremely disheartening disappointment, it wasn't yesterday's outcome that killed the Leafs' season. It was the games they should have won back in October, November, December and January, against teams like Phoenix, Los Angeles, the Islanders, and Tampa Bay, and against goalies like Craig Anderson, Patrick Lalime, Jocelyn Thibault, Jason LaBarbera and Wade Dubielewicz, that led to their eventual demise.

The Leafs played a ton of home games in the first half of the season, but couldn't get the returns on home ice that they so desperately needed. I can't for the life of me figure out why the Leafs have struggled so much at the Air Canada Centre in the last couple of years. Under Pat Quinn, the Leafs couldn't be fucked with at home. We were dynamite. Not anymore. It may have something to do with the fact that the atmosphere at the Hangar is about as lively as a funeral. I don't know, but even after last night's debacle, the Leafs own a better road record than they do a home record. Toronto's 17 victories on home ice is the lowest of any team in the Eastern Conference. With that in mind, it's no surprise they won't be going to the dance and hitting golf balls instead.

A lot of players on this year's Leafs team underperformed and underachieved. Perhaps no one more so than Andrew Raycroft. Actually, screw the word "perhaps," it was Raycroft who sucked the most. Without a capable backup goalie, Vesa Toskala was forced to carry the load and, while he made a valiant effort, he couldn't single-handedly take the Leafs to the playoffs. Think about it, with a half-decent backup goalie the Leafs would have picked up another three, four, or five wins, and would likely be where Boston is today in the standings; in the playoffs.

While guys like Jason Blake and Bryan McCabe didn't light up the score sheet as most people, including myself, expected them to do so, at the end of the day there is no position more important in hockey, and probably all of sport, than that of goaltender. You live and die by your backstop. You can only go as far as your goalie takes you. You've heard all the bloody cliches. So, if there's one person that deserves the lion's share of the blame this season, it's Raycroft.

Now I know that Toskala didn't exactly come storming out of the gate this year. He struggled in the pre-season and early on in October and November, and lets not forget that Raycroft actually started Toronto's season and home opener against the Ottawa Senators (and blew a third period lead in the game). Raycroft had every opportunity to be the number one goalie, or at worst split the duties down the middle with Toskala, but, as usual, he couldn't deliver, because he is one pathetic mother sucker.

Raycroft's stats speak for themselves, and they are straight ugly. Crazy ugly. Brace yourselves.

A win-loss record of 2-8-4, a 4.07 goals against average, and a dry-heaves inducing .868 save percentage. Raycroft has played a total of 17 games this season, 14 as a starter, and has won a grand total of two of them. Two wins. In 17 God damn games. Of the 14 games he started, he was pulled in three of them. That means he was yanked in 21% of the games he started, folks. That just isn't right. The last game Raycrap was called upon to start was on January 20th against New Jersey, a 3-2 loss, more than two months ago. The last time he saw any action at all was on February 5th against the Florida Panthers, when the Leafs got their asses handed to them 8-0. Raycroft came on in relief of Toskala that night, and allowed four goals on 11 shots. We learned, once and for all that night, that Raycroft certainly does not spell "relief." Even more astonishing than all of the above is that the last game that Raycroft actually won was on November 9th, 2007, more than four and a half months ago, when he shutout the Buffalo Sabres 3-0. The Sabres should be deeply, deeply ashamed of themselves, and should still be having nightmares about that game.

Like I said, there's a ton of blame to go around the Toronto Maple Leafs locker room. The season has been another colossal failure. I am simply choosing to throw most of the blame on Raycroft's shoulders. You know, because I hate him. After reading the above I think you'll understand why Raycroft sits at the end of the bench, night in and night out, with his hat pulled down so low on his brow. If I were him, I'd have trouble looking people in the eye, too. What a douche bag if there ever was one.

It will certainly be interesting to see whether Raycroft gets any action now that the Leafs have all but been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. I'm as big a dreamer as they come, but even I know that Toronto is done. Personally, I think Toskala deserves a break. He's earned one. I just don't think Raycroft should be the one to give him a rest. I'd rather Cliff Fletcher call up Justin Pogge, or even Scott Clemmensen, and stick him between the pipes. Anyone but Andrew Raycroft. He does not deserve to play another game for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Not this season, certainly not next season, not ever.

With an NHL-calibre backup goalie at their disposal, the Leafs wouldn't find themselves on the outside looking in on the playoffs today. Instead, they'd probably be gearing up for a first-round showdown with the Montreal Canadiens.

Fuck you, Andrew Raycroft. See you in hell.

Be-Deviled

I've got a math question for you: what does snowed in by another freak snowstorm plus a heartbreaking 2-1 Toronto Maple Leafs loss to the New Jersey Devils equal?

The answer, my friends, is alcohol. A little bit of The Famous Grouse (respect Alz) followed by some good old Alexander Keith's. It sucked to be a Torontonian yesterday. On multiple levels.

The Maple Leafs season was on life support heading into last night's matchup with the Devils. Toronto's loss, combined with a Philly Flyers win, means the Leafs are eight points out of the eighth and final playoff spot with only 12 games to go. And the Flyers have a god damn game in hand.

The Leafs are taking their final breath. It's all but over, and only a formality now. I would have loved for the Leafs to prove all the douche bags out there wrong and go on a fairytale-like run, but they've got to pretty much run the table from here on out to really have a shot at making the post-season. The odds of that happening? About as good as me giving up The Famous Grouse - not bloody likely!

I hate Martin Brodeur and the New Jersey Devils. When the Leafs used to be a decent hockey club, it was the Devils and Brodeur whom the Leafs could never beat. These days, it's the same old story. The Devils, thanks to the exploits of Brodeur, beat the Leafs twice this week by a combined score of 6-2, and killed my dreams of the Leafs making the playoffs, illegitimate as they may have been.

New Jersey beat Toronto in all four meetings this season (Raycrap was in net for one of them, so they really only beat us three times). Brodeur was en fuego in the two games this week, stopping 83 of 85 shots the Leafs fired at him. What a bastard.

The Devils continue to be, well, the Devils. You would think they'd have taken a hit in the standings these last few years after losing Scott Stevens to retirement, Scott Niedermayer to Anaheim and Brian Rafalski to Detroit. Their defense is nothing like what it used to be, yet there they are in first place in the Eastern Conference, where they always seem to be. Jersey has only allowed an Eastern Conference low, and second-fewest overall, 159 goals against (Detroit's first in the league with 151). To compare, the Leafs have allowed 216 goals on the season, a startling 57 more than New Jersey. Your lesson for the the day? Defense wins championships. You're welcome.

Last night's game was a microcosm of the Leafs season. A hot goaltender, three goal posts, and a late goal in the third period to seal Toronto's fate. I know God has better and more important things to do (like get Barack Obama into the White House - "Yes We Can!") but the Leafs could have used Him tonight. The Leafs outplayed the Devils in the first period and hit three goal posts behind Brodeur, but went into the intermission trailing 1-0. If one of those shots went off the post and in, it would have been a different hockey game.

But such is the life of a Leafs fan: should have, could have, would have. Didn't.

The Leafs tied up the game, as I knew they would, in the third period thanks to Mats Sundin. Who else? Sundin always scores the clutch goals when the team needs one. Since refusing to be traded, Sundin has been on a mission to get the Leafs to the playoffs. He's played inspiring hockey and was last week's NHL Star of the Week, but it just hasn't been enough. He can't do it alone. If only he had some support. *Sigh*

The Leafs and Devils were headed to overtime, or so I thought, until the Leafs fucked up again with just under a minute to play. It's no wonder they won't be going to the playoffs. I can't even remember how many times the Leafs have given games, and points, away in the final few minutes this season. It's appalling. I will, however, share some of the blame tonight with the referees. Zach Parise's second goal, the eventual game winner, shouldn't have counted. Jamie Langenbrunner, whom I loathe, interfered with Vesa Toskala when he jabbed him with his stick and pushed him into the net. Of course no penalty was called on the play, Parise banged in the loose disc with Toskala down and out, and the Leafs suffered another crushing and demoralizing defeat to effectively end their season.

I miss Leafs playoff hockey. Truly, Madly, Deeply. Savage Garden type shit, man. It blows. Hockey's a game of inches, and all the inches this year have added up to one extremely frustrating season, and a whole lot of empty Alexander Keith's bottles.

After the game, Carlo Colaiacovo kept it real.

''It's going to be hard for a lot of us to sleep tonight. We let another one get away," he said.

My thoughts exactly...

Disgraceful

It's one thing to lose 8-0. It's another for it to happen on home ice and to the Florida Panthers. I'm not sure why it took so long, but I'm waving the white flag. Like George Costanza, I'm offering up the white cashmere sweater, with the red dot, in defeat. It's over.

What an absolutely pathetic performance by the Maple Leafs last night. They played with no energy, no emotion and no heart. It was a disgrace. To be humiliated like that in your own building is disgusting. The fact that it has happened on numerous occasions already this season makes it even tougher to swallow.

The Maple Leafs talk a good game. They have been for a while. Guys like Sundin and Stajan keep looking into the cameras telling people the Leafs are a playoff team. Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England. I'd like to ask that Sundin and Stajan please not insult me, and just keep it real. The Leafs are what they are, and that's one pathetic excuse for a hockey team.

Prior to last night's shallacking, the Leafs had been embarrassed three times on home ice. Two 7-1 throttlings at the hands of the Carolina Hurricanes and Washington Capitals, and one 6-1 rape-age thanks to the New York Rangers. After each of those beatings, the Leafs promised it wouldn't happen again. Especially not on home ice.

Well, it sure as hell happened again, and yesterday's defeat was the worst of all. The Leafs made the Panthers look like the god-damn Oilers of the 80's and Richard Zednik like Wayne freakin' Gretzky. As the Globe's Dave Shoalts put it, the Leafs reached a new low last night.

I felt for coach Maurice yesterday. Big time. After Florida made it three-nil, he called a timeout. It was a good timeout call. I've been all over Maurice and his timeout selection but last night's was a beauty. Anyways, he ripped into the team on the bench. His face was as red as I've seen it all year, and I was able to read his lips: "Show some god-damn fucking emotion out there!" No shit, eh? The yelling fest didn't work, although it would have made my father proud. A few minutes later it was four-nothing for the Panthers. Maurice tried. He simply didn't have a prayer because his players sold him, and Vesa Toskala, out last night. And shame on them.

It's officially over. While many had already resigned the Leafs to their fate, I for some reason still believed. Yes, I truly believed. I really did. What can I say? I'm a lunatic. Want proof? I've got it for you. Here's a copy of an email I wrote to my boy Winson yesterday while I was at work, at 2:16 pm in the afternoon:

"We’re 8 points out going into tonight. But we’re going to make the playoffs. Mark my words, today, on this 5th day of February in 2008. The Toronto Maple Leafs will make the NHL playoffs."

I wish I could tell you I was drunk. I wish I could offer some explanation as to what the hell I was thinking. Unfortunately, I can't. All I can say is that I am, clearly, a moron. I've got to take another line from my hero, George Costanza: "For I am Vaswani, lord of the idiots!" I truly believed that the Leafs' win over Ottawa on the weekend would be the start of a run towards the playoffs. I don't anymore. Not after watching that game last night, no sir.

Greg Millen said it best during the third period of the broadcast - if Cliff Fletcher needed any indication of what he's got to do with the team he just inherited, he got it last night. In resounding fashion. Trade them. Trade them all.

One of my boys who I play hockey with every Sunday was at last night's game. My heart goes out to him. What a joke. This time, however, the fans didn't boo the Leafs (except for Andrew Raycroft, but he deserves it anyways). Instead, once the Panthers made it 6-0, they cheered on the visitors from Florida. It was something else, and added to the humiliation of the evening. But no doubt every fan in attendance last night at the Air Canada Centre was deserving of a full refund, no questions asked. Only one team showed up to play hockey yesterday, and it sure as hell wasn't the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Speaking of a refund, I've got a friend, Kunal, who lives out in Minnesota and who is a die-hard Leafs fan. His formative years were spent in Toronto, hence his unfortunate allegiance to the blue and white. He paid $170 this season to order the NHL Centre Ice package so he could catch all the Leafs games on the tube. Big mistake. He wants his money back, as it has been one of the most blatant wastes of money of all time. I can't really argue with him. I find it difficult enough to watch the Leafs on cable, but imagine paying to watch this team play on television?!? Ouch. That's a nightmare, and my friend Kunal is living it. Think about it, he could have fed an entire African village, or two or three of them, at that price. Sorry, hungry African children. We all only have the Leafs to blame.

As for Mats Sundin, while I'm torn and my insides churn every time I think about it, I really do believe he needs to go. My heart wants him to stay, but jeez, after last night, Mats, get out while you can, my dear. Why would he want to remain a Maple Leaf? It doesn't make sense. Fly away, Mats. It's time to leave the nest, and make it on your own. Go and win a Cup. Even if it is as a rental player. Go. Go as far away from here as you can. We're only holding you back. Fly away, Mats, my love. Fly away...

It's time to look forward to a lottery pick in the draft. PPP at Pension Plan Puppets is right, it only makes sense for the Leafs to tank the rest of the season. It's for the betterment of the franchise. Dave Perkins at the Star put it best - if the Leafs really want the number one pick this summer, they've got to play Andrew Raycroft more. It's nothing against Toskala - I love the guy - but the Leafs need to lose, and nobody does losing like Razor.

Trade Kilger, Sundin, Tucker, McCabe, Kubina, Gill, whomever. Any veteran Fletcher can trade, he should do it as soon as possible. The deadline is only mere weeks away.

For the love of Christ blow this team up, Fletch.