Drought

"Hockey is a man's game. The team with the most real men wins."

- Brian Burke

I'm quite certain that's not the case. The team that scores the most goals usually wins.

The honeymoon's over. They said the Toronto Maple Leafs would struggle to score goals. They were right.

It's not all bad news, though. Five wins in October is a whole lot better than one. And while the power play is languishing at 11.9%, the Leafs are killing 84.8% of their penalties. I'd wager that's the most successful they've ever been in that endeavor since Ron Wilson took over behind the bench. And, yes, both J.S. Giguere's .910 and Jonas Gustavsson's .920 save percentages have a lot to do with said success. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather the Leafs struggle on the power play than play shorthanded as if they're a beer league squad. Lord knows they can't be effective at both aspects of special teams.

Both keepers have been solid. Jiggy's .912 save percentage (31 saves on 34 shots) when the Leafs are a man short -- the anti-Toskala -- is exactly the type of goaltending the Leafs need. It must continue. Monster's .932 save percentage five-on-five is making me believe he just might be the next one.

But, yeah, the offence. I'm not worried. I probably should be, but I'm not. As long as Tim Brent and Colton Orr have more goals -- two -- than Nikolai Kulemin (one), Kris Versteeg (one), Tyler Bozak (one), and Mikhail Grabovski (zero), the Maple Leafs will continue to lose. But let's get real. Brent and Orr won't outscore those guys for long, no matter the NHL's policy on goaltender interference.

Ottawa's in town on Tuesday. I can't imagine a better night for a few of Burke's good men to break out of their respective slumps.

Reuters image, via daylife.

Contemplation

Let’s get right down to business, shall we?

1. I took in Thursday night’s Toronto Bills/New York Jets tilt at the trusty SkyDome. I wasn’t planning on attending, but at the last minute found two tickets matching my asking price of $free. The building was packed, and loud. Let nobody tell you otherwise. Not as loud as Ralph Wilson Stadium down in Buffalo, but, well, we’re Canadians. Civilized.

2. Without tailgating, the experience in Toronto will never be like the experience in Buffalo. It will never be drunk enough. Period. I have, unfortunately, seen with my own eyes grown men relieve themselves in the sink in the men’s washroom at the Ralph. Think about that for a second. Peeing. In the sink. Where most regular human beings wash their hands. So let’s stop comparing the Toronto experience with the Buffalo experience, please and thanks.

3. Just last week, I was spewing on and on to a friend of mine about the “authentic” NFL experience down in Buffalo, where the faithful brave the elements to watch their heroes on the gridiron. Well, I’ve had a change of heart. Fuck authenticity. Who wants to sit outside and watch two terrible football teams go at it on a cold and windy December evening? Not fucking me. I’m rather partial to the lid on the SkyDome, thank you very much. I’d rather be toasty, not layered, and not freezing my tail off while I enjoy my grossly overpriced beer.

4. The Bills are fucking awful. Downright painful to watch. Ten first downs, all game. Two forays into the Red Zone, all game. The opposite of efficient on third downs: 1-11. A despicable 36 total yards in the second half. You know, it’s only right that they are ours, even if for only one week a season. Welcome home, Buffalo Bills.

5. “Shout!!1”, the Bills anthem, never gets old. It’s rather amazing.

6. As per my luck, I found myself seated among a row of New York Jets fans. They were mostly good people, except for one Manhattaner, who happened to be a New York Giants fan. He of course brought up the 1991 Super Bowl, but couldn’t remember who missed the infamous field goal. And because I’m a complete fucking idiot, and a gentleman, I helped him out: “Scott Norwood.” For the rest of the night, I was taunted with “Scott Nohhhwood!!! Wide-right!!! Nohhhwood!!!” Even in the washroom, while minding my own business at the urinal, I was subjected to “Nohhhwood, mother fucker!!!” It’s come to this. Bills fans can’t even take a leak without being reminded of the worst of their many humiliations.

7. If you Google “wide right,” the wikipedia entry to Norwood’s missed 47-yard field goal is the first result. That hurts. I was only nine-years-old when it happened, but I’ll never, ever forget Scott Norwood’s name.

8. I wonder what Scott Norwood is up to these days. I wonder if he’s still in therapy. I wonder, when the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl next year, if he’ll have his own Bill Buckner-Boston Red Sox moment. I’d love to see that. I’d love for Norwood to know that all is forgiven.

9. Is there a scarier Yahoo! Sports profile picture than Marshawn Lynch’s? There can’t be.

10. Moving on, Joey MacDonald now has as many wins as Vesa Toskala: one. And a .903 save percentage. Considering the Leafs will have paid Toskala upwards of $8 million by the time this season is over, as well as the fact that he is untradeable, was the deal to acquire Toskala and Mark Bell worse than Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft? Was it John Ferguson Jr.’s worst?

11. Jiri Tlusty, whom I had the highest of high hopes for, is no longer a Toronto Maple Leaf. According to Brian Burke: “[Tlusty] did not seem able to do it, despite many opportunities, in a Leafs uniform.” Really? Apart from his rookie season, Tlusty played 14 games in the NHL last season, and two games this season. In those 16 games, Tlusty played more than 15 minutes once: the 2008 season opener in Detroit. Some opportunity. Tlusty, after more than 100 games in the AHL, is a point-per-game player. He’s a helluva lot closer to regular NHL action than “the player” (long-live J.P. Ricciardi) Carolina sent Toronto’s way in return. Therefore, I cannot justify this trade. And don’t give me that “stage fright” bullshit. I don't buy it. This is a kid who sent pictures of his Tlusty to a woman on the internet, and who had the story blow over in Toronto. Having gone through that, I think he might have been fine. I would have liked more of an audition. But it’s all neither here nor there, now. Philippe Paradis, welcome to paradise.

12. Mikhail Grabovski: 18 points. Montreal’s $7,357,143 man Scott Gomez: 14 points. Discuss.

13. Phil Kessel is on pace for 46 goals. He’s also on pace to send the Leafs to the playoffs (!!!1).

14. I’m going to miss yelling “Marco!!1” …(pause)… “Scutaro!!1” at Blue Jays games next season. Here’s hoping Scoots’ 2009 was truly an “outlier” season, and that he’s an utter failure in Boston. Nothing personal, just business.

15. The Red Sox guaranteeing Scutaro $13.5 million is either a bold move, with Theo Epstein recognizing that Scutaro finally got his chance and is a premier shortstop in the American League, or a sign of a team with very, very, very deep pockets. I'll let you come to your own conclusions on which side of that coin I fall. (Hint: fuck the Red Sox and their deep pockets.)

16. If you’re not familiar with the stylings of commenter “Handsome Tony Viner” at The Tao of Stieb, you ought to be. He uses words like "pulchritudinous," and is making the off-season almost enjoyable, the inevitable Roy Halladay trade, Alex Gonzalez and all. In Tony Viner's handsome ways I do trust.

17. A "Roy Halladay Wants Out of Toronto" story drops every few days. We get it. It's not news anymore, regardless of who the new source is; in this case, J.P. Ricciardi. But my man J.P. did offer this gem: "I personally think, move the player and move on because the player is going to leave." And he's right. Miss you, J.P.

18. Imagine Hedo Turkoglu doesn't hit that shot in overtime, and the Raptors go on to lose in Washington. Would it have been enough to fire Jay Triano? I wonder, and will never know.

Keepers

NHL general managers aren't the only ones making difficult roster decisions these days. I had to lock up four guys in my Yahoo! Sports keeper league last night, and I agonized over the decision. A lot more than I probably should have. Then again, this is the closest I'm ever going to get to running a franchise, and there's a decent chunk of money on the line - 20 guys at $125 a piece.

I finished third out of 20 last season and in the process, in what's becoming a disturbing trend, traded away my first, second, and fourth round picks in 2009, and my third and sixth round picks in 2010. Thankfully I finished in a money position (top five), otherwise I might have had to fire myself from my post.

It's not all rainbows and sunshine though; the way our league works is that draft picks must be traded for draft picks. For my 2009 first, second, and fourth round picks I received two 12th round picks (out of 12 rounds), and an eighth round pick, respectively, in return. For the 2010 third and sixth rounders, two 12th round picks came back my way.

I may have mortgaged the future. This might be a rebuilding season.

Since we all consider ourselves to be fantasy hockey aficionados, I'm curious as to how you might have made my decision differently. Below is the roster I had to pick four players from, and each player's respective fantasy points ...

Forwards:

Sidney Crosby - 2830

Brad Boyes - 1985

Todd White - 1960

Alex Kovalev - 1820

Jason Blake - 1725

Kris Versteeg - 1580

Shawn Horcoff - 1485

Mikhail Grabovski - 1255

Andrew Ebbett - 855

Defence:

Nicklas Lidstrom - 1845

Shea Weber - 1485

Filip Kuba - 1150

Carlo Colaiacovo - 850

Goalies:

Marty Turco - 1825

Ilya Bryzgalov - 1747

Which four would you take? And, no, I haven't a clue as to how Todd White put up 73 points, including 34 on the power play, last season. But there's no way he can do it again. Right?

My selections: Crosby; tough call. Boyes; if he can work on his atrocious -20, he's good for at least 2000 points. Lidstrom; the game's top fantasy defenceman. And Weber; high-scoring defenceman are at a premium.

I flipped a coin between Weber and Turco. Marty was awful last season, yet he still put up more than 1800 pool points. It was a best-of-seven coin toss. Who am I to argue with gravity? Weber one, four-two.

It was tough to see Jason Blake go back into the draft; #55's my guy. Kovalev, too. But he's simply too hit and miss; too moody. Versteeg's a player on the rise, and Turco and Bryz are both number one goalies.

The way I see it, Crosby's the equivalent of two solid guys up front, and Boyes might be even better on an improving St. Louis team. Forwards who can put up 1500 points are available in abundance; I'm releasing five of them. Drafting a goalie will certainly be a priority and, if all else fails, I'm sure Ray Emery will be available. Barring injury, I'll have one of the league's most potent defence cores thanks to Weber and Lidstrom.

It all means two things: one of Lidstrom and Weber will surely suffer a season-ending injury in October, and Kovalev's going to rip it in Ottawa.

Being the bigger person ...

As a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, a sad excuse of a hockey club that hasn't qualified for the playoffs since 2004, perhaps it's time I stopped reveling in the failures of teams like the Montreal Canadiens and Ottawa Senators.

I'm older now. Closer to 30 than I am to 20. Perhaps it's time I grew up a little bit more, and stopped dabbling in the schadenfreude trade.

...

Naw, who am I kidding?

Fail.

The Price is wrong. So, so, so wrong.

My favourite quip from last night, however, would have to be "Jesus, Price!" I must admit, it has been most enjoyable watching young Carey, and the Habs, fall from grace. Especially Carey. What a train wreck. A most beautiful train wreck.

One-punch knockout.

Mike Komisarek, ahem, All-Star Mike Komisarek, finally got what was coming to him.

Milan Lucic, I salute you, good sir. Boston Bruins fans are lucky to have you. And Team Canada will be lucky to have you on its side in Vancouver next year.

It's true; I have Lucic Lust (h/t on the most apt terminology to Wrap Around Curl)

The fat lady has sung.

It's going to one helluva interesting summer in Montreal. Gainey's done. Koivu, Kovalev, Komisarek, Tanguay, Lang, Schneider and, most importantly, Brisebois are all unrestricted free agents. And, I don't know about you, but I'd much rather have Georges Laraque, and his zero goals, signed through until 2011 at $1.5 million/season than, say, a guy like Mikhail Grabovski. (Score one for Cliff Fletcher.)

Thanks to Luke Schenn, Mickey Grabs, and another top-ten draft pick this summer, the future is bright in Toronto. The same can most certainly not be said about Montreal. And, well, that kind of puts a spring in my step.

Oh, and I almost forgot: Happy 100th birthday, les Glorieux. Au revoir ...

UPDATE: A poem from the Habs' eulogy, written by the fine folks at the one and only Pension Plan Puppets:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

The Leafs didn't win a playoff game,

But neither did you.

Could Burke really trade Schenn?

You know who's enjoying the new Brian Burke era the most in this, the fine city of Toronto? Jeff Blair, of The Globe and Mail. His column today is an absolute must read. (Talks with Mikhail Grabovski's agent have "not been successful." Lovely.) 

Burke's for real, and he's got his binoculars locked on John Tavares. Apparently he's already called the New York Islanders to say hi, and sent what I'm sure was a very pleasant email down to Tampa Bay. The man doesn't mess around.

My initial reaction to Burke's comments from Tuesday was that of reservation. I thought the Leafs weren't going to mortgage the future anymore, so what's all this talk about trading first round picks, and possibly even trading Luke Schenn? Say it ain't so.

But along came Jeff Blair, via Twitter, and in his infinite wisdom he asked me:

@eyebleaf Hey, you guys wanted Brian Burke? You got him. What makes the Leafs better: guy like Bouwmeester and Tavares? Or Schenn and No. 7?

Well, I'll be damned, but I think Blair might be on to something. Don't get me wrong, I love Luke Schenn. He is the type of defenceman we Maple Leafs fans have dreamed of for years. But if the Leafs send him to Long Island, where hockey goes to die (ugh, sorry Luke), along with draft picks (ugh, multiple first rounders, I'm sure), in return for Tavares, well ... it certainly makes you think, doesn't it? 

Of course, there's no guarantee Burke will be able to sign unrestricted free agent Jay Bouwmeester at 12:01 PM on July 1st, further complicating matters.

But were it all to go down as planned, come July 2nd, a Leafs team with Tavares and Bouwmeester, and a depleted draft picks cupboard (as if that's anything new to this franchise), would be better than a Leafs team with Schenn and a seventh overall first-round draft pick, whomever it turns out to be. Period.

Look, I know Schenn's special. But Tavares might be even more special. He might be Evgeni Malkin, or Alexander Ovechkin, or Sidney Crosby type special. He might be the young, dynamic offensive player the Toronto Maple Leafs have never had.

It's a tough one. Believe me, I know. How the hell do you trade a guy like Luke Schenn, the future captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs? And to the Islanders, of all teams. He doesn't deserve that. It would be blasphemy; a sin. And then, on top of that, Burke would be putting all his eggs in the free agency basket. Frankly, I can't believe this is even being discussed.

But I think if the opportunity presented itself, if the Islanders agreed to accept a package of Schenn and multiple draft picks for John bloody Tavares, it just might have to be done. And Brian Burke is crazy enough to do it.

Deep Thoughts ...

It's getting to the point where the fine folks at MLSE might be better served finding a goalie through Monster, or Workopolis. After three games, Toronto FC's Stefan Frei and Greg Sutton leave me wanting more. And I'm usually easily satisfied. Also, you know how I said Brian "Binos" Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs should re-sign Martin Gerber? Abort mission. What I meant was that they shouldn't re-sign Gerber. Because he, too, sucks ...

Look, I know comparing the Leafs to the Boston Bruins, defensively, is certifiably ridiculous. But Toronto allowed 14 goals over the weekend. Fourteen. That's about eight percent of all the goals Boston has surrendered this season (181). Eight percent. In two games. The Leafs have fished the puck out of their net 106 more times than Boston this season. And I'm going crazy because of it ...

The Toronto Raptors' chances of making the playoffs (!!!!1) were officially squashed on Sunday. Thanks to the Knickerbockers. At home, no less. A formality, sure; but it still hurts. The drink of choice to celebrate this momentous occasion? Sapporo ...

Wait, more on the Raptors. If Bryan Colangelo re-signs Shawn Marion, and Pops Mensah-Bonsu, is anyone else willing to give this group of five - Jose Calderon (healthy), Anthony Parker, Marion, Chris Bosh, and Andrea Bargnani - a mulligan? You know I am. Yes, I have issues ...

Check out what Lord Blair has to say about Mikhail Grabovski Mickey Grabs. Kid's a keeper ...

Speaking of Mr. Blair, add him, Stephen Brunt, Jordan Bastian, and Big League Stew's 'Duk to the list of people who are wrong about the 2009 Toronto Blue Jays. Bastian and 'Duk both have the Jays finishing last in the AL East, and Blair thinks "only the Baltimore Orioles are preventing the Jays from being the worst team in the league." I love those guys, and enjoy their work. You should too. And I'm also sure they all thought a youthful 2008 Tampa Bay rotation of James Shields, Edwin Jackson, Andy Sonnanstine, Scott Kazmir, and Matt Garza would propel the DEVIL Rays to the pennant ...

I caught the tail end of a Sportsnet feature on Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, of The Million Dollar Arm fame. Make sure you check it out. About the fairer sex, one of Singh and Patel, I'm not even sure which, had this gem to say: "American women are very dangerous. They want money." ...

Baseball's back, baby. It's a glorious day ...

Deep Thoughts: The Leafs are the Bruins' Bitches

If there was any doubt that Brian Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs need to re-sign Martin Gerber, there shouldn't be anymore, not after last night ...

Justin Pogge's .844 save percentage is downright pathetic.  Small sample size be damned. Drafted in 2004, Pogge is still not ready for prime time, and I'm truly beginning to wonder if he ever will be. How he performs for the Toronto Marlies in the playoffs (!!!!1) is going to say a lot about him. The pressure is on ...

The Boston Bruins took five of six from the Leafs this season. I hate the Bs. Especially Milan Lucic. And by "especially Milan Lucic" I mean I'd love to see him in the blue and white ...

The Bruins have allowed 95 fewer goals than the Leafs this season. Ninety-five! Sure, they're the best team in the Eastern Conference, but that's fucked up ...

The Leafs' 271 goals allowed is worst in the NHL. Other than the forever pathetic Atlanta Thrashers, who have allowed 262, no team comes close to that number ...

Some good news: Alex Ponikarovsky scored his career-high 22nd and 23rd goals of the season last night, and Niklas Hagman hit the 20-goal mark with the 100th goal of his career. Both of them are rudeys. My Poni-love post is coming down the pipe. Stay tuned ...

Mikhail Grabovski's Mickey Grabs' personal March Madness (two more assists last night; 14 points in March) has been HUGE for my fantasy hockey team ...

Toronto's won only 14 games at home this season. Only the hapless Tampa Bay Lightning have won fewer games on home ice. For shame ...

Is there a better camera shot than of Brian Burke with his binos, watching Luke Schenn pummel Steve Montador? Burke is boss. Literally ...

You know what really breaks my heart? The fact that the Paul Maurice led Carolina Hurricanes are going to make the playoffs (!!!!1). That's some bullshit ...

After this, another, clusterfuck of a season, I will never again take good goaltending and solid penalty killing for granted. I promise ...

Just as sweet on Monday...

I don't know about you, but I find the Monday after the Maple Leafs kick the shit out of the Montreal Canadiens, on Hockey Night in Canada, on a Saturday night, for all the country to see, to always be the greatest Monday of all.

The boys took no mercy against a fragile Habs squad. It was the type of game - the type of performance - that gets me excited about next season. It was all business.

And you know, of course, who took care of said business: Mikhail Grabovski Mickey Grabs. A goal, three assists, and another reminder of just what Montreal will be missing out on for years to come. With 40 points, he's now third in NHL rookie scoring, and his 18 goals rank fourth among freshman.

Those 40 points; they're as many as Andrei Kostitsyn has, and more than Saku Koivu, Tomas Plekanec, Sergei "AHL" Kostitsyn, and Chris Higgins have.

Looking like a pretty svelte trade now, eh Damien Cox?

Keep booing our boy Mickey, Montreal. We love it when you do that.

I can't talk about Saturday night and not mention Alexei Ponikarovsky. It was his second four-point game in March, and it couldn't have come at the expense of a team I dislike more.

My man crush for the big Ukrainian somehow continues to grow. No Mats Sundin? No problem. The trade-age of Nik Antropov? No big deal. Poni's simply gone about his business all season, cracking the 20-goal mark once again, and putting up a career-high 53 points. With a salary cap hit of only $2.105 million, there isn't a better bargain in the NHL, period.

You still hating, 40?

How about the Habs' goaltending? Yikes.

A veteran keeper like Martin Gerber sure would look good in the Montreal crease right about now, don't you think? It's a good thing he wasn't on waivers, you know, and available to any team, twice before the trade deadline.

Well done, Bob Gainey. Well done.


Saturday night was another coach killing performance by the Leafs. Gainey's just out of coaches to fire.

Happy 100th anniversary, Montreal. See you on the golf course next month.

A different team. Literally.

Is there anything you would rather do with your Tuesday night than watch the New York Islanders and Toronto Maple Leafs duke it out? If you said no, much like me, you have a problem. Actually, it's more like a sickness.

I don't know why I watched the game, but I did. To no one's surprise, it was like pulling teeth. It was the Leafs and Isles, after all. Borderline AHL hockey. But, hey, the Leafs won. In overtime, of course. Mickey Grabs with the winner, eh! It's a celebration.

Anyway, while I was walking home from work yesterday, I was thinking about just how much the Leafs' roster has changed in a calendar year. Yes, this is in fact my thought process as I stroll along Yonge St. after a long day at work. Don't judge me, yo.

Thanks to Google, which has completely changed all of our lives, I pulled up the box score to a game between the Leafs and New Jersey Devils, played on March 8, 2008. The Leafs were 2-1 losers (fucking Devils). Here's the roster the Leafs put out that night:

Nik Antropov (traded)

Jason Blake

Carlo Colaiacovo (traded)

Tomas Kaberle

Pavel Kubina

Bryan McCabe (traded)

Dominic Moore (traded)

Kris Newbury (in the minors)

Alex Ponikarovsky

Matt Stajan

Alex Steen (traded)

Anton Stralman (is half Leaf, half Marlie)

Mats Sundin (LEFT VIA FREE AGENCY)

Jiri Tlusty (owning the AHL)

Darcy Tucker (bought out)

Kyle Wellwood (waived)

Ian White

Jeremy Williams (in the minors)

Vesa Toskala

Andrew Raycroft (bought out; thank God)

Now, compare that with last night's Leafs roster:

Jason Blake

Boyd Devereaux (picked up on waivers)

Jeff Finger (free agency)

Mikhail Grabovski (acquired via trade)

Jeff Hamilton (free agency)

Pavel Kubina

Nikolai Kulemin (drafted)

Brad May (acquired via trade)

Jamal Mayers (acquired via trade)

John Mitchell (drafted)

Ben Ondrus (will never be anything but an injury call-up)

Phil Oreskovic (drafted)

Alex Ponikarovsky

Luke Schenn (drafted; thank God)

Matt Stajan

Lee Stempniak (acquired via trade)

Anton Stralman (still half Leaf, half Marlie)

Ian White

Martin Gerber (picked up on waivers)

Curtis Joseph (free agency; oops)

As you can see, the roster turnover has been nothing short of phenomenal. Granted, there have been a lot of injuries this season, as there always are. Ben Ondrus is up with the big club right now because Nik Hagman is hurt. I don't imagine Ondrus is part of the grand plans going forward. 

Guys like Stralman and Oreskovic are only up because Mike Van Ryn is made of glass, Kaberle's got a busted hand, and Jonas Frogren is done for the season. Don't forget about Jamie Sifers, who's also seen some action with the big club this year.

And Martin Gerber is a Leaf only because Vesa Toskala is injured, and because both Curtis Joseph and Justin Pogge stink.

Gone too are guys like Mark Bell (waivers), Robbie Earl (traded) and Staffan Kronwall (waivers). Rookies like Alex Foster and Darryl Boyce, who saw action with the Leafs last year, haven't been able to make the jump this year. While Tim Stapleton is down on the farm, enjoying a fine season, I think we'd all be pleased if Andre Deveaux and Ryan Hollweg (worst trade ever) never play for the Leafs again.

Ian White is one of the more interesting cats to think about, March 2008 to March 2009. A year ago against the Devils, he played 13:13. Of all the six defensemen in the lineup that night, White received the fewest minutes, even less than Stralman. Last night, White played 27:25, by far the most on the team. He has skyrocketed up the depth chart, and it's a testament to his hard work and flexibility. Also, his stache. He's rocked it like a champ all year and, make no mistake, it definitely has something to do with his success.

Clearly, change has come to Toronto. And the Brian Burke purges shall continue. I imagine it will be another busy summer in Leafs land.

Bring it on, I say.

Playoffs!!!!1

Eventually.