Picture Perfect

After it's edited black and white, and subsequently framed, the above photograph -- courtesy of the hard-working folks at daylife -- will proudly hang from the walls of my mother's basement. Because the manual scoreboard at hallowed Fenway Park in Boston never looked as magnificent as it did Friday night.

A one-sentence post on the Boston Red Sox:

Fuck 'em.

(Hat tip to the inimitable Tao of Stieb, the master of the one-sentence posts.)

Contemplation

Let’s get right down to business, shall we?

1. I took in Thursday night’s Toronto Bills/New York Jets tilt at the trusty SkyDome. I wasn’t planning on attending, but at the last minute found two tickets matching my asking price of $free. The building was packed, and loud. Let nobody tell you otherwise. Not as loud as Ralph Wilson Stadium down in Buffalo, but, well, we’re Canadians. Civilized.

2. Without tailgating, the experience in Toronto will never be like the experience in Buffalo. It will never be drunk enough. Period. I have, unfortunately, seen with my own eyes grown men relieve themselves in the sink in the men’s washroom at the Ralph. Think about that for a second. Peeing. In the sink. Where most regular human beings wash their hands. So let’s stop comparing the Toronto experience with the Buffalo experience, please and thanks.

3. Just last week, I was spewing on and on to a friend of mine about the “authentic” NFL experience down in Buffalo, where the faithful brave the elements to watch their heroes on the gridiron. Well, I’ve had a change of heart. Fuck authenticity. Who wants to sit outside and watch two terrible football teams go at it on a cold and windy December evening? Not fucking me. I’m rather partial to the lid on the SkyDome, thank you very much. I’d rather be toasty, not layered, and not freezing my tail off while I enjoy my grossly overpriced beer.

4. The Bills are fucking awful. Downright painful to watch. Ten first downs, all game. Two forays into the Red Zone, all game. The opposite of efficient on third downs: 1-11. A despicable 36 total yards in the second half. You know, it’s only right that they are ours, even if for only one week a season. Welcome home, Buffalo Bills.

5. “Shout!!1”, the Bills anthem, never gets old. It’s rather amazing.

6. As per my luck, I found myself seated among a row of New York Jets fans. They were mostly good people, except for one Manhattaner, who happened to be a New York Giants fan. He of course brought up the 1991 Super Bowl, but couldn’t remember who missed the infamous field goal. And because I’m a complete fucking idiot, and a gentleman, I helped him out: “Scott Norwood.” For the rest of the night, I was taunted with “Scott Nohhhwood!!! Wide-right!!! Nohhhwood!!!” Even in the washroom, while minding my own business at the urinal, I was subjected to “Nohhhwood, mother fucker!!!” It’s come to this. Bills fans can’t even take a leak without being reminded of the worst of their many humiliations.

7. If you Google “wide right,” the wikipedia entry to Norwood’s missed 47-yard field goal is the first result. That hurts. I was only nine-years-old when it happened, but I’ll never, ever forget Scott Norwood’s name.

8. I wonder what Scott Norwood is up to these days. I wonder if he’s still in therapy. I wonder, when the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl next year, if he’ll have his own Bill Buckner-Boston Red Sox moment. I’d love to see that. I’d love for Norwood to know that all is forgiven.

9. Is there a scarier Yahoo! Sports profile picture than Marshawn Lynch’s? There can’t be.

10. Moving on, Joey MacDonald now has as many wins as Vesa Toskala: one. And a .903 save percentage. Considering the Leafs will have paid Toskala upwards of $8 million by the time this season is over, as well as the fact that he is untradeable, was the deal to acquire Toskala and Mark Bell worse than Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft? Was it John Ferguson Jr.’s worst?

11. Jiri Tlusty, whom I had the highest of high hopes for, is no longer a Toronto Maple Leaf. According to Brian Burke: “[Tlusty] did not seem able to do it, despite many opportunities, in a Leafs uniform.” Really? Apart from his rookie season, Tlusty played 14 games in the NHL last season, and two games this season. In those 16 games, Tlusty played more than 15 minutes once: the 2008 season opener in Detroit. Some opportunity. Tlusty, after more than 100 games in the AHL, is a point-per-game player. He’s a helluva lot closer to regular NHL action than “the player” (long-live J.P. Ricciardi) Carolina sent Toronto’s way in return. Therefore, I cannot justify this trade. And don’t give me that “stage fright” bullshit. I don't buy it. This is a kid who sent pictures of his Tlusty to a woman on the internet, and who had the story blow over in Toronto. Having gone through that, I think he might have been fine. I would have liked more of an audition. But it’s all neither here nor there, now. Philippe Paradis, welcome to paradise.

12. Mikhail Grabovski: 18 points. Montreal’s $7,357,143 man Scott Gomez: 14 points. Discuss.

13. Phil Kessel is on pace for 46 goals. He’s also on pace to send the Leafs to the playoffs (!!!1).

14. I’m going to miss yelling “Marco!!1” …(pause)… “Scutaro!!1” at Blue Jays games next season. Here’s hoping Scoots’ 2009 was truly an “outlier” season, and that he’s an utter failure in Boston. Nothing personal, just business.

15. The Red Sox guaranteeing Scutaro $13.5 million is either a bold move, with Theo Epstein recognizing that Scutaro finally got his chance and is a premier shortstop in the American League, or a sign of a team with very, very, very deep pockets. I'll let you come to your own conclusions on which side of that coin I fall. (Hint: fuck the Red Sox and their deep pockets.)

16. If you’re not familiar with the stylings of commenter “Handsome Tony Viner” at The Tao of Stieb, you ought to be. He uses words like "pulchritudinous," and is making the off-season almost enjoyable, the inevitable Roy Halladay trade, Alex Gonzalez and all. In Tony Viner's handsome ways I do trust.

17. A "Roy Halladay Wants Out of Toronto" story drops every few days. We get it. It's not news anymore, regardless of who the new source is; in this case, J.P. Ricciardi. But my man J.P. did offer this gem: "I personally think, move the player and move on because the player is going to leave." And he's right. Miss you, J.P.

18. Imagine Hedo Turkoglu doesn't hit that shot in overtime, and the Raptors go on to lose in Washington. Would it have been enough to fire Jay Triano? I wonder, and will never know.

See You In September

I'm off to see Lady Liberty. And definitely not the New York Yankees. I will take no part in adding to those coffers, thank you very much. If I want to go to an amusement park, I'll hit up the CNE.

Your parting gift: John McDonald's entrance tune ...

Gangsta Nation by Westside Connection - Ice Cube, Mack10, WC (with Nate Dogg on the chorus, of course) - is without a doubt the last song I'd ever imagine the Prime Minister of Defence would walk up to the plate to. Johnny Mac is clearly, as the kids say, "street."

Enjoy your weekend. Remember to support your local baseball team. (And its much-maligned centre fielder.) Winless, and hit hard, in three starts against the Boston Red Sox, I believe it's Ricky Romero's time to shine in his Fenway Park debut.

.500!!1

The Almighty Dollar

You have lost your God damn mind if you think I want to talk about the spanking the Blue Jays received at the hands of the Boston Red Sox. Toronto's one naughty baseball team, and Boston let them have it. It might have been the most difficult series to watch all season. When Roy Halladay looks as mortal as the rest of his teammates, you know it's bad. The Tao of Stieb is right; something's changed with Doc. It doesn't feel the same.

Suddenly the locals are nine games below .500. What hurts more is their 31-29 record in the friendly confines of dome. My heart weeps.

There's nothing left to do but look forward and, after the draft snafu, the thought of another season with an $80 million payroll in the AL East makes me sick to my stomach. The uncertainty surrounding the 2010 budget eats at my soul.

Here's a list of the 10 clubs who spend the most ducats in Major League Baseball, along with their record and where they stand on this glorious Friday morning, the 21st day of August:

1. New York Yankees $201,449,189 76-45 (.628) 1st place AL East
2. New York Mets $147,417,987 56-65 (.463) 4th place NL East
3. Chicago Cubs $134,809,000 61-58 (.513) 2nd place NL Central
4. Boston Red Sox* $121,745,999 69-51 (.575) 2nd place AL East
5. Detroit Tigers $115,085,145 64-56 (.533) 1st place AL Central
6. LA Angels $113,709,000 73-46 (.613) 1st place AL West
7. Philadelphia Phillies $113,309,000 69-49 (.585) 1st place NL East
8. Houston Astros $102,996,414 59-62 (.488) 3rd place NL Central
9. LA Dodgers $100,008,592 72-50 (.590) 1st place NL West
10. Seattle Mariners $98,904,166 62-59 (.512) 3rd place AL West

The Red Sox receive an asterisk because they employ a bunch of steroid using douchebags. And because if the playoffs (!!1) began today, they'd go to the dance as the Wild Card.

What does that list tell you? The New York Yankees are the best team in baseball. When you spend everyone into the mother fucking ground, and play home games in an amusement park, you should be. Their counterparts, the Metropolitans? Pray for them. They've been ravaged by injury. The Cubs are a mess. The BoSox should be able to hold off the $68,178,798 Texas Rangers for the Wild Card. (Although I certainly wouldn't mind if they don't.) The Tigers look like a playoff team; $115 million should be able to get it done in the AL Central. If you're a baseball fan in the greater Los Angeles area, life is grand. The Phillies are set to defend their title, while Houston and Seattle are spending too much money to be playing near .500 baseball.

The bottom line: five of baseball's six division leaders reside in the top 10 in payroll. The St. Louis Cardinals are the only exception, leading the NL Central by a whopping seven games with a payroll of $88,528,409. (The Cubs really are cursed.) Give the Red Sox the Wild Card, and six out of eight playoff teams are MLB's biggest spenders. The Colorado Rockies, playing .562 baseball, are your other exception, leading the NL Wild Card standings by two games while spending $74,800,000.

$80 million won't cut it. No way; not in the AL East. Until the Tampa Bay Rays can do it consistently, they're nothing but a one-hit wonder. While I'd love for the Jays to spend $120 million, as much as the Red Sox, I know it won't happen. So I'm willing to settle, and slot eighth on that list; $110 million. For the love of God, Rogers, make it happen.

(Payroll numbers courtesy of Report on Business Magazine)

Tainted

I'm a few days late to the party, but I hope you don't mind me weighing in on Thursday's most "juicy" revelation:

David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez being outed for steroid use, in the same year, is sweet, poetic justice after years of rampant Masshole douchebaggery.

Asterisk that shit.

Evil Empires

All things being equal, if both the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees made the best, and essentially the same (solid young pitcher and prospects), offer for Roy Halladay, where would you prefer J.P. Ricciardi trade him?

It's a no-brainer over here: New York. Start spreading the news.

I'd rather see Doc don pinstripes, and be reunited with his soulmate A.J. Burnett, than be embraced by Red Sox Nation as one of their own. That's how much I hate Boston.

What about you?

The BoSox have, though, upped their offer for Halladay: Clay Buchholz, one of Justin Masterson or Michael Bowden, Lars Anderson, and a third minor leaguer of lesser value.

The offer still isn't good enough. No offer will ever be good enough in return for Harry Leroy III.

Buchholz circa 2008 frightens me; 93 hits in 76 innings, 57 earned runs, 1.76 WHIP, 6.75 ERA, .299 opponents batting average, and, worst of all, an ERA+ of only 68. Sure, he's young, but, to put it succinctly, fuck that.

And Theo Epstein can keep both Masterson and Bowden. It's Daniel Bard, who this year has struck out 64 batters in 49.2 innings in AA-ball, 29 batters in 16 innings in Triple-A Pawtucket, and 36 batters in 28.2 innings with Boston, who has to be Toronto bound for this deal to even be considered. (Bard's 212 ERA+ this season is filthy, and he's yet to allow a home run.) Bowden's numbers are decent - his WHIP down on the farm is impressive - but Bard is the better prospect.

As for Lars Anderson, while he's said to have All-Star upside, his .735 OPS in AA-Portland doesn't knock my socks off.

It's simple: if Epstein won't even talk top prospects Bard, Ryan Westmoreland, and Casey Kelly, well, good luck the rest of the way with Brad Penny and John Smoltz.

Don't you dare settle, J.P.

Speaking of Doc, I'll be live blogging today's 4:30PM series finale between Seattle and Toronto over at The Score. If Halladay's still a Blue Jay come game time, it will be his last "last start" as a member of the team, so be sure to join me. (I'm fully anticipating Doc being removed from the lineup a half hour before game time, his Jays career over, and a trade imminent. That's when shit is going to get real.)

Hopefully Doc will indeed be on the mound, and help his mates rebound from yet another heartbreaking loss. Building on the theme that was most prevalent last night amongst The Monkey Army over at Drunk Jays Fans, it's hard to fathom just how unlucky the 2009 Blue Jays have been; 19 one-run losses and 10 extra innings losses. Both, unfortunately, tops in the league.

The last time the Jays were victorious in extra innings was way the fuck back on May 2, when they were in first place in the AL East. Since then, they've dropped nine in a row in extras. The DJF crew - the normal ones, not the angry, psychotic douchebags - are right: this team would be a lot easier to deal with if it just flat out stunk.

Once again, all we're left with is "what if ..."

You Complete Me

It was, as always, a pleasure to watch Roy Halladay, this time from my perch in section 521, at the SkyDome yesterday afternoon. No, I don't believe it was the last time I'll see Doc in a Blue Jays uniform. And, yes, let's conveniently ignore the fact that, like my hero George Costanza, every instinct I have is usually wrong.

If it was, in fact, goodbye, Doc went out in typical Halladay fashion: a complete game six-hitter against the Boston Red Sox, in which he retired 20 of the final 21 batters he faced; seven strikeouts, nary a walk, and 78 of 105 (74%!!1) pitches thrown for a strike. Vintage fucking Harry Leroy Halladay III.

For a moment, early on in the game, I doubted Halladay. Ridiculous, I know. (I'm an idiot.) After giving up five hits and a run over the first three frames, I wondered if Doc's post-D/L stint struggles would continue. The answer, after innings four through nine, was an unequivocal "no." Halladay was sublime; save for a David Ortiz single to centre field, he was unhittable the rest of the way. It was quite the performance, one I've honestly grown accustomed to witnessing. Doc has spoiled us; he's definitely spoiled me.

There were some ominous signs: Brandy Halladay's comments, and Doc's tip of his hat to the crowd. It may really have been goodbye. A goodbye I'm not ready for. One thing's for certain: we, as baseball fans, have been tremendously lucky to have been able to watch Doc do what he does in Toronto for the past 10 years. Thanks Roy. It's been a pleasure.

If you haven't read my post on the forever popular J.P. Ricciardi - A Tale of Three GMs; Part II: J.P. Ricciardi - please do so. I'd love to know your thoughts. If Rogers was willing to spend money enough to compete in the AL East, none of this shit would be going down, plain and simple. If the plan is to continue to tighten the purse strings, Ricciardi's got no choice but to make a deal.

Interesting times, to say the very least.

See you on Friday, Doc. Maybe. Hopefully.

UPDATE: The Tao of Stieb has us covered on this most depressing Monday. And he's right:

"Oh, Roy. We're not sure what we're going to do without you. But no one - not Philly fans, or Dodger fans, or whoever - is ever going to love you like Blue Jays fans do."

True that. I need a drink.

Also, I'll be live blogging Thursday afternoon's matinee between the Indians and Blue Jays for The Score. Stay tuned for some links.

Quickly

The Summer of Tallet rolls on. His performance today might have been his best yet, considering how he fared in innings one and two.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tallet, who has allowed three runs or less in his last six starts. What a rudey.

And give it up for J.P. Riccardi, who traded Bubbie Buzachero to get him ...

Want to know one of the many reasons why I love Cito Gaston? For allowing Tallet to finish the seventh inning, elevated pitch count, and the go-ahead runner on second base, be damned. The lanky left-hander shut down the Red Sox and deserved the win. Cito and the offence made sure he got it. Nails ...

Speaking of nails, how about Brandon League? Check out some Pitch F/X goodness courtesy of Ghostrunner on First ...

Speaking of LtB, it's easy to see why he's got a man-crush for Rocco Baldelli. He homered and gave his all to chase down a fly ball in foul territory. Even with his injury-riddled history, Rocco's playing for today, and I have to respect that ...

Four-for-four, with two runs and two RsBI. HOLA ALEX! ...

It's fitting that RR Cool J will have the opportunity to provide the knockout punch in the series finale. Brooms out, yo ...

Playoffs!!1

Until May 29th, Massholes

Look at that, the Blue Jays are still in first place; still playing .600 baseball.

The Red Sox? I hate to channel my inner Dennis Green, but those bastards are who we thought they were.

Yet despite the sweep, it wasn't all bad. 

Brian Tallet gave Cito a quality start in Fenway Park, and Brett Cecil and Bobby Ray learned valuable lessons in defeat. 

The bullpen? Lights out. No Toronto reliever allowed a run. In nine innings of work spread over the three game set, a committee of Jason Frasor, B.J. Ryan, Shawn Camp, Brian Wolfe, Brandon League and Jesse Carlson allowed only seven hits while striking out 12, and walking only two.

Rejoice, Red Sox Nation. Revel in the fact that your beloved BoSox defeated Tallet, who before April 18 last started a game back in 2006, and two rookies fresh from the minors.

While the Jays weren't able to score runs, they sure did hit the ball. Toronto's offence pounded out 25 hits over the last two games, and left 29 men on base in the series, including 12 last night. The big hit simply remained elusive. When you live by the long ball, some nights you die by the long ball. That's the beauty of baseball.

See you next week, at our house, Massholes.

And we'll see you, young Travis Snider, in about a month.

Required Reading:

Over at The Mockingbird, check out the calls Jon Lester got last night from home plate umpire Marvin Hudson. Shocking.

The sky is falling

The Blue Jays have lost two in a row to the evil Boston Red Sox. A fickle fanbase is questioning what it all means on Twitter ...

"Think the Blue Jays are learning what the AL East is all about." - dfs78

Ah, the AL East. You mean the division the Jays went 37-35 against in 2008, 36-36 against in 2007, 43-31 against in 2006, and 38-36 against in 2005. Right, that division.

"My oh my - are we seeing the dismantling of the Jays dreams tonight? I wonder if the charade is up." - chrisfromcanada

The Jays are 78-53 since Cito took over, and are still the best team in the American League, but two losses to the Red Sox, at Fenway Park, in unfathomable succession, means the "charade" might be up. Sounds about right.

"jays, i love that you are showing faith in your rookie pitchers, but maybe it's time for a legit #2 arm? for reals. for really reals." - berlap

"For really reals"? The fuck? 

"After tonight's game the Jays will be 1-4 against non-BAL opponents in the AL East; go away, frauds." - JamalG

Against non-BAL opponents in the AL East, Jamal's beloved Yankees are 4-9. In his magical world, that makes New York legit.

"watching the beginning of the end of the blue jays' season." - jbyck

You know what, you're absolutely right. Those first 41 games? Fuck 'em. It's over.

"jays playing real teams = back to reality. Enjoy the freefall!" - scottph

As opposed to all those fake teams Toronto played through the first month and a half of the season. 

"Jays trip to Boston = Rihanna's trip to the Grammy's." - scwatts

Hilarious.

"The last two series vs. the Yanks/Sox have shown the Jays what happens when you play real teams...the wheels are falling off." - justingaynor

Forget about the wheels, I must really have missed the memo about all these fake MLB teams Yankees and Red Sox fans are talking about. Who knew?

"Jay's are front runners. they are collapsing faster then the economy last june." - FRwritings

Never mind the [sic]'s (RIP Fire Joe Morgan). The Jays' two-game losing streak against Boston, in May, at Fenway Park, where Boston has won more than 48 games every season dating back to 2003, is clearly on par, if not more dramatic in scope, with the collapse of the U.S. and global economy. A sticker for FRwritings for staying on top of current affairs.

Two games later, and the white towels of surrender are being readied. When it comes to the Jays, Toronto's got a complex, "for really reals." 

Look, it was an important lesson learned by Brett Cecil, and he'll be a better pitcher because of it. It's a long, long season; ups and downs. Have a drink, and enjoy the fucking ride. 

Remember, Cito's Jays have yet to lose three in a row. Even if they do, they're still heading to Atlanta atop the standings.

Viva Scutaro

Every now and then, I get something right. It's rare, but it does actually happen. Here's what I wrote back in December, when rumours of Rafael Furcal becoming a Blue Jay were flying around, and when some in the Jays' blogosphere were questioning Marco Scutaro's spot on the team ...

Rafael Furcal? It's possible. Although I still don't think Marco Scutaro at shortstop is what's wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays.

What I was insinuating, of course, was that a) there's nothing wrong with the 2009 Blue Jays, and b) 41 games into the season Scutaro would arguably be the most productive shortstop in all of baseball.

Scoots has walked an impressive 35 times, tops in the Majors. (Derek Jeter, for example, has taken a free pass only 16 times.) Scutaro also leads the Majors in runs scored, with 36, and his 20 RsBI are good for second in the American League among shortstops.

All this while playing flawless defense in 348.2 innings on the field. He's the only shortstop in baseball yet to make an error.

John McDonald who?

Brooms

Even the baseball Gods are shining down upon the Blue Jays. A four game set against the Chicago White Sox, and Toronto missed Mark Buehrle. You know what that means: brooms!1

In between Roy Halladay's start on Sunday, we blessed Jays fans were treated to a combined 21 innings from Brett Cecil, Robert Ray and Scott Richmond, in which they allowed only 14 hits and three earned runs. If that doesn't get you aroused, this should: on May 18, 2008, the Blue Jays' pitching staff, which would go on to be the best in baseball last year, had allowed 181 runs. On May 19, 2009, the Jays have allowed 174 runs, and have scored a whopping 60 more. 

Oh yeah, Halladay won the AL Player of the Week award. If he cared, I might, too.

Off to Boston

A big series, one in which the kids Cecil and Ray will get their first taste of Fenway Park. No Doc, but I've got faith. Here's hoping the offense makes the short porch out in left field its bitch, and gives the kids some support.

Sure, it's still early, but there's a sense of satisfaction about heading down to the Massholes' natural environment as the hunted, rather than the hunter.

Remember, I hate the Boston Red Sox. You should, too.

Deep Thoughts: The Franchise

Travis Snider's two home runs moon shots are still on their way to Winnipeg. I'm sure my good friends Dave and The Ack will let me know when they arrive. The baseball world is beginning to take notice of Sniderman. You know what I love about him? His home run trot. Stay classy, young man ...

One through six in the order (Scutaro, Hill, Rios, Wells, Lind and Rolen), no Toronto Blue Jay is batting less than .300. That Cito Gaston guy can really put together a lineup, eh? ...

Speaking of Marco Scutaro, he leads the league in runs scored and can be the starting shortstop, and leadoff hitter, on my team any day of the week. Viva Scutaro. Viva Venuezela ...

B.J. Ryan threw 12 pitches yesterday; eleven for strikes. That's the B.J. we know. The B.J. we love. Nails? Nails! And I'm sure Brad Arnsberg had something to do with it. "In Arnsberg We Trust" ...

Kevin SLOWey certainly lived up to his name last night, didn't he? Prick ...

I know Jesse Litsch's injury is forearm related but, seriously, would it have killed him to come into camp pink and efficient, but a little less rotund? I'm already feeling like he took his opportunity in 2009 for granted ...

In last night's eighth inning, Scott Downs allowed a leadoff double, and followed with a wild pitch. With none out and a man on third base, he proceeded to strike out the side, like the uber set-up man he is. Did you enjoy his tiny display of emotion after the fact? I sure as hell did. I heart Snakeface. What a hero ...

The Jays are in first place. The Boston Red Sox are in the basement. You're damned right I'm enjoying this ...

Pennant ...

I Used To Like Kevin Garnett

My good friend, and loyal Sports And The City reader, Karan said it best: "Anything is possible...except some class in Beantown."

Peep this from Monday night:

It's one thing to talk trash. Bring the heat, KG. Jose Calderon can handle it. It's another to clap in his face, and point and wave a finger at him like a pompous (m)asshole.  

Good on Jose for getting right back into KG's grill after the fact, because that was some bullshit.

It's obvious that the city of Boston has had an impact on Garnett. In just over a year he's gone from being a loveable loser, to a champion, and now, much like his New England brethren, to a douchebag.

Way to keep it classy, KG. 

Anything less in Boston would have been uncivilized.

Thank You, Tampa Bay Rays

I never thought I'd be cheering for Matt Garza, not after what he did to the Blue Jays this season. Last night, I was Garza's biggest fan, and he didn't disappoint. What can I say? When I hop aboard a bandwagon, I go all out.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Tampa Bay Rays. They are American League champions. They are off to the World Series, and the Boston Red Sox are not. At the end of the day, that's what's most important, my friends.

The Red Sox - much to the chagrin of this Masshole and much to the delight of, well, everyone else - will not repeat as World Series champions. As a die-hard Blue Jays fan born in 1982, the fact that Toronto won back-to-back titles is all I've got left on "Red Sox Nation." Do it two times in a row Massholes, then talk to me.

The city of Boston is in mourning today, and I'm pleased to say that David Ortiz and Jason Varitek are a big reason why. Ortiz hit only .154 over the course of the ALCS, managing just four hits, one home run, and four RsBI. He struck out nine times. 

As for Varitek, his ALCS numbers are downright laughable. He managed one (1!) hit in 20 at-bats for a whopping .050 batting average, and struck out eight times in six games. Attaboy, Tek. Way to lead the troops. If there was any doubt that Varitek's not done as an everyday catcher in the majors, there should be no more, because it's painfully obvious that he's finished. I think Tek might have struck out for the last time in a Boston uniform. 

No Masshole can argue that the better team lost. The Rays were better on the mound, and much better at the plate. B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria combined for 19 RsBI in the series, equalling the output of Ortiz, Varitek, Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, and J.D. Drew combined. Guys like Willy Aybar stepped up for Tampa, while Red Sox youngsters Jacoby Ellsbury and Jed Lowrie didnt answer the bell.

How about that pitching performance last night by Matt Garza? Seven innings, two hits, one earned run off a solo home run, and nine strikeouts. The Red Sox were "Garzafied" twice in the series, and Garza was well-deserving of the MVP award.

And don't forget about David Price's four-out save. With the fate of the Tampa Bay organization, and Red Sox haters everywhere, resting on his young shoulders, Price struck out J.D. Drew with the based loaded in the bottom of the eighth inning. He took the mound again in the ninth and struck out two more, including Varitek (sweet), before getting Jed Lowrie to ground out to end the game. Talk about picking up your first career save in style, eh? Price, only 23 years young, and fresh out of the 2007 draft, has got to be on top of the world today. 

As J.P. Ricciardi is always preaching, pitching is what gets the job done in the AL East. Scott Kazmir was the only Tampa Bay ALCS starter to register an ERA higher than 4.00. For the Red Sox, none of their starting pitchers were able to crack the 4.00 ERA mark. Josh Beckett, who has got to be injured, finished with a nasty 9.64 ALCS ERA.

The Rays and Phillies World Series will get started on Wednesday. I'm not sure it's safe to hop off a moving Tampa Bay bandwagon, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind seeing Matt Stairs win a ring. It's a win-win situation, really. The Fall Classic will be Red Sox free, after all.

Somewhere, someplace, Manny Ramirez is smiling. That makes two of us.

Yes Rays!

There is a God.

I still hate the Boston Red Sox

The champagne was on ice. The plastic sheets were up all over my apartment. I even had my goggles ready to go. Then the Boston Red Sox, left for dead, came back. Massholes everywhere rejoiced.

It wasn't supposed to go down like that.

Trailing 7-0 in the 7th inning, it looked like the Red Sox were going to fade quietly into the night. Watching the game on television I swear I'd never heard Fenway Park so quiet. I was revelling in the fact that the Massholes - those unlovable, incorrigible, "we are entitled to every pro sports championship in the world" douchebags - were going to watch the Tampa Bay Rays win the pennant on their turf. Nothing was going to have been better.

Well, talk about the sports fan's equivalent of premature ejaculation.

I should have known. The Boston Red Sox never fade quietly into the night. I'm still having a hard time believing they managed to come back against the mighty Rays' bullpen, with their backs up against the wall to boot. It was high drama. Then again, these are the Red Sox. These are, even sans Manny Ramirez, the defending World Series champions. Jeff Blair of The Globe and Mail, also known as the finest baseball writer on the planet, was kind enough to point out that Boston has won eight ALCS elimination games in a row, and nine of 10 overall. Pardon my French, but that's fucking ridiculous.

Can the BoSox do it again, and pull off another miracle comeback? I can't put it past them. I won't lie, I'm worried about the Rays. They're a bunch of kids, after all. What happened Thursday night, especially Evan Longoria's error in the bottom of the ninth, has the potential to propel the Red Sox back to the World Series.

As much as I do hate the Boston Red Sox, and I really, really do, it's got to be one hell of a joyride being on that bandwagon. From the highest highs to the lowest lows and then back again. Sort of like the Dow Jones.

Before I forget, I want to take this opportunity to point out just how fickle the Massholes, and the MSM that cover the Red Sox, collectively are. I want to show you just how loyal "Red Sox Nation" really is. With their most clutch hitter, and arguably one of the most clutch hitters ever, David Ortiz scuffling at the plate, his nick-name went from "Big Papi" to "Big Popup." You know that Ortiz guy? He was kind of, just kind of, instrumental in bringing a couple of titles to Boston. Of course, after his home run two nights ago, Ortiz is back to having his cock sucked by the Massholes.

It gets better. The "Nation" has turned on their beloved Captain, Jason Varitek, booing him and his pathetic .115 post-season batting average. Varitek's shit. I know it, you know it, and we all know it. In fact, we've all known it for a while. But now the Massholes stop defending him? Really? Now? When he needs their support the most? Classy bunch of fans over there in Boston, man, real classy.

Tonight at the Trop it's going to be Josh Beckett vs. James Shields. Tampa Bay will try to clinch the pennant at home, in front of their oh so loyal fan base who have stuck by the team through thin and, well, thinner. Yes, all eleven people who comprise the "oh so loyal fan base" will be in attendance and, let me tell you, they can't wait.

Speaking of Beckett, he has not looked like the Mr. October he normally is but, in typical Red Sox fashion, I'm expecting him to throw an absolute gem. Maybe he can tear a page out of Curt Schilling's book and paint his sock red. Fake blood worked like a charm the first time around.

For the Rays to win, Shields needs to go pitch-for-pitch with Beckett, and the middle of the Rays' lineup has to be just as good as it was on Thursday. Most importantly, though, the Rays to a man need to forget about the debacle that ended up being Thursday night.

Make it happen Tampa. Please. No doubt the majority of this city's baseball fans are cheering for you. For the love of God and all humanity, make the Boston Red Sox and the Massholes go away, even if it is just for a few months.

The Agony of Defeat

Is there anything in pro sports more agonizing than watching your opponents celebrate on your turf after they've just ended your season? 

What about when it's the Tampa Bay Devil Rays who have sent you packing? Ouch. Multiply the agony pictured above by 73.

I feel for the Chicago White Sox, and the entire city of Chicago (Chicago is Toronto's cousin). One city, two baseball teams in the playoffs, and neither were able to get past the first round. My heart really goes out to these two. The guy with the sign really needs a hug.

The Rays Have a Bandwagon?

So, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are moving on to the ALCS and, well, it's official: I've hopped on to their bandwagon. Yes, there actually is a Tampa Bay Rays bandwagon. I found it yesterday. I know, it's fucked up. I've got to admit, though, that I'm feeling the mohawks. It's all about solidarity, brother. And who doesn't love a fairytale story of worst (in the entire league) to first?

The Rays remind me a lot of the 2003 Florida Marlins. You know, a bunch of kids who don't seem to be bothered by the pressure that comes part and parcel with October baseball. They've got nothing to lose because no one thought they'd be in this position in the first place. They just play. Oh, and they're coached by an old white dude.

There is one thing, however, that I could do without when it comes to Tampa Bay: this. It pains me deeply to see Eric Hinske going ape shit once again with a bottle of bubbly. It's just not fair; just not right. I saw enough of Shitske and champagne last year after the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. The deplorable Hinske saw a whopping total of two at bats during Boston's march to the title and, yep, you guessed it, he struck out both times. What a douchebag. 

Speaking of the Red Sox, they've got a date with the Devil (Rays). Boston is, most unfortunately, moving on after they finished off the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim last night. While I am happy for the great Canadian Jason Bay now that he has escaped baseball purgatory, you all know how I feel about the Red Sox.

Rays and Red Sox should be a doozy, and undoubtedly intense. These teams don't like each other.

Let me put it this way: when it comes to the Red Sox vs. the Rays, winner moving on to the World Series, I'm hoping I get to see Shitske pop another bottle of Bambino. 

Go Rays.

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.