January 21, 2009

Nobody said it was easy...

But no one ever said tanking would be this hard to deal with, either.

I hate numbers. I like bullet points, but I really hate numbers. Especially the random ones below*, owned by our beloved, but defensively challenged, Toronto Maple Leafs:
  • 164 - Only the Atlanta Thrashers have allowed more goals (167). But we've got a game in hand. Fuck.
  • 3.48 - Teams that allow more than three goals a game are garbage. Period.
  • .533 - The Leafs' winning percentage when they score first. Twenty-seventh best (I'm trying to trick myself into being optimistic) in the NHL.
  • .393 - When the Leafs outshoot their opponent, they win only 39% of the time. Dead last in the league. And pathetic.
  • 6 - One goal game victories. Tied for last in the league. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again.
  • 13 - Losses by a margin of three goals or more. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again. But, hey, at least we're first in something. I guess.
  • 28.4 - Shots allowed by the Leafs per game. Actually, it's the sixth-best total in the league. It's a real shame the goaltending is ECHL-quality.
  • 101 - Goals allowed five-on-five. Twenty-ninth best. Want to know how good the Bruins are? They've allowed only 65.
  • 32 - Goals bagged by the Leafs in the first period. Twenty-eighth best!
  • 55 - Goals allowed in the first period. Worst in the league. It's a pleasure to see that Ron Wilson has his boys ready to play from the opening faceoff every night. Well done, coach.
  • 59 - Goals allowed in the second period. Worst in the league. Even worse than the opening 20 minutes. Jesus.
  • 73 - Goals allowed on home ice. Twenty-eighth best. Anyone else seeing a trend here?
  • 87 - Goals against on the road. Twenty-eighth best. At least we're consistent.
  • 23 - Power play goals allowed at home, and on the road. Like I said, this team is nothing if not consistent. Consistently garbage.
  • -10 - Tomas Kaberle's plus/minus rating this season. He's never been worse than  -8. In his career. Sadness.
  • .444 - Toronto's league-worst save percentage in the shootout. Shocking, I know.
  • 3.30 - Vesa Toskala's horrid goals against average. Slow start my ass.
  • .885 - Toskala's slutty save percentage. Close your legs. Please. I hate you right now, Vesa.
  • 73.7% - My favourite, the penalty kill success rate. I just threw up in my mouth.
This post was, arguably, the most painful I've written. Ever. Luckily for the both of us, I no longer acknowledge the existence of Curtis Joseph.

Unfortunately, there's still half a season to go. 

Yep, I'll see you at the bar.

*All the fucking brutal numbers are courtesy of NHL.com.


woodpeck said...

gotta love it when the numbers don't lie! maybe for "extra tanking excitement" in the 2nd half, the leafs will call up the entire marlies team to face an opponent. how could that be any worse?

general borschevsky said...

I remember Wilson talking a lot early in the season about not judging this team and that by X-mas we'd have a better idea of what kind of team the Leafs were. And I remember that just before X-mas things didn't seem so bad. Since Dec. 26th though, the Leafs have 3 wins and 9 losses and seem a whole lot worse.

I think my point is: this team is not that bad, just not good enough, and the tank is now on in ernest.

Pension Plan Puppets said...

You leave Wilson alone. It's not his fault Toskala and Joseph have decided to simultaneously forget how to play hockey.

It's also not his fault that he doesn't have Chris Higgins and Jeff Carter in the lineup. Those two might have made a bit of a difference.

And finally, Canucks lost last night after the Sharks tied it up with under a minute to go. Guess who missed a breakaway with 2 minutes left that could have sealed the win? :D Yeah. I felt great last night.

p.s. nice number round-up. I blame any suicides in Leafs Nation on you! ;)

The Ack said...

cheer up dude. here's an idea to get you going - post about the Jays offseason! oh, wait....

blurr1974 said...

".885 - Toskala's slutty save percentage. Close your legs. Please."

That should be on a t-shirt...

Escaped Lab Rat said...

At least we had notice the Leafs might stink out the joint. The Raptors decided to take us by surprise. I guess the Jays have embraced the Leaf philosophy and lowered our expectations...if we finish .500, I think I might even feel happy. At least with TFC we can throw things at the other team.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post! These just suck to write.

eyebleaf said...

@ Woodpeck: Math never lies.

@ General: I think this team is just that bad. Another blown lead tonight, and another two power play goals allowed. Chalk it up!

@ PPP: I haven't touched Wilson yet. Wait until I call him out like he calls out his shitty team in the press. Chris Higgins and Jeff Carter are dead to me. They're not Leafs. They're not going to become Leafs. Wilson has to make due with what he has, and having his team kill penalties at that ungodly number is not getting it done, regardless of the personnel.

And you're playing the role of bitter, twisted, psycho, annoying, whiney, and bitchy ex-girlfriend in regards to Mats Sundin perfectly. So, stop it. Sundin's like Jesus; he's going to always love you, no matter how much of a jerk you are to him.


@ The Ack: Long time, brother. I figure I've got all summer to be depressed about the Jays. We all do.

@ Blurr: It should. Something simple like "Vesa Toskala is a slut" would do as well. Sluttiest goalie ever. Fuck.

@ Escaped: The Raptors crashing and burning like this has been extremely disappointing. I'm like, numb with pain. Can't even write about 'em. Bosh is a goner. Triano was a mistake. Colangelo has to man up and admit that his team is shit, and do his best to blow it up.

@ 93: Respect bro. Yeah, I needed some blow to numb the pain after that one.

Bhattorious said...

Leafs Suck....and how long have i been saying Tavares....you know thats all i've been saying since he was 15.....

Anonymous said...

TTT (or Triple T). The Tank for Tavares is in full effect. Ottawa seems to be playing a tiny bit better now. Even Tampa Bay seems to be playing a little better. I have a feeling it's going to be us, Atlanta & The Island. DAMN THOSE ISLANDERS, couldn't they just be a little bit better.

Pension Plan Puppets said...

Coaches don't play Eyebeleaf!

Sundin played the role of the asshole boyfriend that pretends to love you so that you'll spread your legs just before he dumps you and goes and bangs the latest flavour of the month. I hope he gets an STD (early playoff exit).