But no one ever said tanking would be this hard to deal with, either.
I hate numbers. I like bullet points, but I really hate numbers. Especially the random ones below*, owned by our beloved, but defensively challenged, Toronto Maple Leafs:
- 164 - Only the Atlanta Thrashers have allowed more goals (167). But we've got a game in hand. Fuck.
- 3.48 - Teams that allow more than three goals a game are garbage. Period.
- .533 - The Leafs' winning percentage when they score first. Twenty-seventh best (I'm trying to trick myself into being optimistic) in the NHL.
- .393 - When the Leafs outshoot their opponent, they win only 39% of the time. Dead last in the league. And pathetic.
- 6 - One goal game victories. Tied for last in the league. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again.
- 13 - Losses by a margin of three goals or more. Suddenly, it feels like the Andrew Raycroft era all over again. But, hey, at least we're first in something. I guess.
- 28.4 - Shots allowed by the Leafs per game. Actually, it's the sixth-best total in the league. It's a real shame the goaltending is ECHL-quality.
- 101 - Goals allowed five-on-five. Twenty-ninth best. Want to know how good the Bruins are? They've allowed only 65.
- 32 - Goals bagged by the Leafs in the first period. Twenty-eighth best!
- 55 - Goals allowed in the first period. Worst in the league. It's a pleasure to see that Ron Wilson has his boys ready to play from the opening faceoff every night. Well done, coach.
- 59 - Goals allowed in the second period. Worst in the league. Even worse than the opening 20 minutes. Jesus.
- 73 - Goals allowed on home ice. Twenty-eighth best. Anyone else seeing a trend here?
- 87 - Goals against on the road. Twenty-eighth best. At least we're consistent.
- 23 - Power play goals allowed at home, and on the road. Like I said, this team is nothing if not consistent. Consistently garbage.
- -10 - Tomas Kaberle's plus/minus rating this season. He's never been worse than -8. In his career. Sadness.
- .444 - Toronto's league-worst save percentage in the shootout. Shocking, I know.
- 3.30 - Vesa Toskala's horrid goals against average. Slow start my ass.
- .885 - Toskala's slutty save percentage. Close your legs. Please. I hate you right now, Vesa.
- 73.7% - My favourite, the penalty kill success rate. I just threw up in my mouth.
This post was, arguably, the most painful I've written. Ever. Luckily for the both of us, I no longer acknowledge the existence of Curtis Joseph.
Unfortunately, there's still half a season to go.
Yep, I'll see you at the bar.
*All the fucking brutal numbers are courtesy of NHL.com.