Papelbon = Douchebag

Another reason to hate Jonathan Papelbon. As if you needed another one.

It's blatantly obvious that he's a six-year-old in a 27-year-old's body.

Now, there's no doubting Papelbon can pitch. It pains me to say it, but he's one of the best closers in baseball, as Jeff Blair so poignantly informs us.

And don't get me wrong, I hate Craig Sager's suits as much as the next guy, but why does Papelbon have to be such a jackass?

*Hat tip to Stoeten, he of Drunk Jays Fans and TheScore.com fame, for the video.

I Hate the Boston Red Sox

The Toronto Blue Jays were officially eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday afternoon. Much to my dismay, it was the Boston Red Sox who finally put us down for the ten count.

This post isn't about the struggles of the 2008 Blue Jays. The post-mortem will come later. This post is about the Red Sox. While The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair has nice things to say about them, I am going to take this opportunity to shit all over the BoSox, whom I absolutely loathe.

It's true, I hate the Boston Red Sox. With all my being. More than the Yankees. Way more. Here's why:

1. The Massholes

These mother fuckers are everywhere. Before 2004, they were few and far between. In fact, before 2004, they were kind of cute. I mean, 86 years between championships. We're talking three generations and change. And us Maple Leafs fans thought we had it bad.

These days, with the Red Sox winning the World Series two out of the last four years, there seems to be a sense of entitlement amongst the Massholes. That they are the chosen ones. It doesn't help that the greater New England area is drowning in professional sports championships but, seriously, get over yourself. It's disgusting.

There's nothing worse than a Masshole sitting at the Rogers Centre, my home ballpark, yelling "Yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkk" at the top of his lungs when Kevin Youkilis steps up to the plate. I don't want to hear that shit.

2. Jason Varitek

Honestly, is there a more overrated catcher in baseball today than "Tek?" 

Look, I'm not an idiot. Perusing his career stats, it's obvious he put together some pretty decent seasons in 1999, 2003, 2004 and 2005. That being said, over his career, Varitek is a strikeout machine. This year, he's hitting a pathetic .222 with an OPS of .676. And he's struck out 120 times. That's fucking brutal.

I've always hated Varitek. You want to know the real reason why? The captain's "C" he wears on his jersey. Wait, did I miss the memo? You know, the one where Major League Baseball announced that each team had to have a designated captain? Why is "Tek" the only one in baseball with a bloody "C" on his jersey? Oh, how it makes my blood boil. I want to rip that "C" right off his jersey.

3. Curt Schilling

Why is this guy still making headlines? He's 67 years old, isn't playing, and contributes nothing to society. Curt, listen up: stop blogging and stop doing radio. Please, for the love of all humanity, shut the fuck up. Retire already. You're finished.

And no matter what anyone says, I'm still not convinced that was real blood.

4. Quirky Bastards

I blame Nomar Garciaparra for this one, because he was one of the first Red Sox players I can remember who started all the extra-curricular nonsense at the plate.

Is there a more annoying batting stance in all of baseball than Kevin Youkilisisisis'? The constant gyrations make me want to take that bat out of his bands and pummel him. And what's the point of a batter's box if Youkilis is allowed to have one foot completely behind the line? 

Even David Ortiz. Is it really necessary for him to step out of the box after every pitch, spit into his batting glove, and clap twice? Really? After every pitch? And people wonder why baseball games last three plus hours. Un-fucking-believable.

I could go on. Sean Casey's whack back leg kick, Dice-K's unorthodox delivery...

5. Kevin Youkilisisisis' facial hair

The man has a God damn dirty rat growing off his face. I hate the sight of it. Someone, please, a razor.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Just because he's so damn good. I admit it.

7. Jonathan Papelbon

I hate this cocky, arrogant, river dancing mother fucker the most. "We done won!" Really? Wow. If that doesn't scream "douchebag," nothing does. Just wow.

Like I said, hate isn't strong enough a word. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Kick some Masshole ass.

And, just for the record, no, I'm not bitter because it's been 15 years since the Jays last played a playoff game. Nope, not bitter at all. But I appreciate your concern. Thank you.

Middle Relievers Need Love Too

When it comes to baseball's annual All-Star game, middle relievers often get overlooked. And I'm sick of it. With the Blue Jays sending only one player to New York - Doc, who else? - the question I'm left asking is: what about Scott Downs?

Middle relievers need love too, dammit!

Downs has been the model of consistency and efficiency for the Blue Jays. He put together a solid 2007, parlayed it into a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract (which some folks didn't like), and has come back in 2008 as advertised: one of the more reliable arms out of the bullpen.

What makes Downs so special is that, even though he's a southpaw, he's effective against both right-handed and left-handed batters. So far this season Downs has seen more action against righties, 23.2 innings, and held them to a .224 batting average. Against lefties, Downs has pitched 16.1 innings, and held them to an almost identical .226 batting average. For a manager, Downs is money.

Wait, I'm not done selling him. In 25 consecutive appearances from May 2 to June 29 - a remarkable 26 innings of work - Downs did not allow a single run. I know what you're thinking and, yes, that is the longest scoreless innings streak in baseball this year.

Take a look at Downs' numbers over at FanGraphs. I know it's not as cut and dry as I'm about to make it out to be, but his LOB% (left on base percentage) is a phenomenal 89.4%. The league average is just over 70%. Downs, more often than not, gets the job done, and leaves runners on in the process.

Based on his stats and stats alone - 38 games, 5 saves, 40 innings pitched, 33 hits allowed, 8 earned runs allowed, 17 walks, 36 strikeouts, an ERA of 1.80, a WHIP of 1.25, and an opponents batting average of .224 - I truly believe Downs is an all-star. Sure, starting pitchers and closers get all the glory, but middle relievers have a thankless job, and don't get the credit they deserve.

Still don't believe me? Fine. Check out how Downs matches up with Jonathan Papelbon, everyone's favourite Boston Red Sox douchebag closer. The numbers, except the saves of course, are comparable.

In my difficulty to understand why a guy like Downs always gets overlooked, I emailed the sage Tao of Stieb, who has his pulse on all things Blue Jays and baseball related. Lost, scared, and confused, I asked him for his thoughts on Downs and whether he was truly deserving of a spot on the American League squad. Here's what Tao had to say:

Sounds like an interesting take. We hadn't really considered it, but there's a good argument to make that Downs deserves a spot.

Middle relievers often get overlooked because the notion is that if they were that good, they'd actually be the closer. But the occasional guy (like Paul Quantrill in 2001) manages to sneak in if they've done something particularly heroic. Downs might have a chance if people recognize the fact that in addition to holding down the fort over 39.0 innings so far, he's also sewn up five saves along the way, helping to provide stability to a bullpen that has been without its primary closer (Ryan) and its putative set up man (Accardo) for chunks of the season.

It might help Downs was more of a K machine (his 36 in 39 innings is a very-good-not-great number) and he's given up a few too many walks (17) to really bowl the selectors over.

In all likelihood, Roy Halladay gets the call to the Bronx, but we'd love it if someone noticed the great work done by Downs this season.

There you have it. The Tao has spoken. He's right about Doc going to the Bronx, and how Downs' five saves shouldn't go unnoticed. They were big at the time, as the Jays were treading carefully with B.J. Ryan and Jeremy Accardo was busy sucking.

Alas, Downs isn't going to the midsummer classic (I really hate calling it that). But don't worry Tao, someone has noticed the great work by Downs this season. That someone is me.

Big ups to Tao of Stieb for taking the time to share his thoughts. If you don't read/subscribe to Tao of Stieb, do yourself a favour and check it out. It's one of the better Blue Jays blogs out there.

Oh, and congratulations to Roy Halladay on his fifth all-star appearance. No one works harder. No one is more deserving. Cheers, Doc.