September 14, 2009

I don't get it ...



I turned 27 yesterday. I'm at that point in my life where I'm grappling, rather unsuccessfully, with life's bigger questions. Will the Toronto Blue Jays make the playoffs again? Will the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup during my lifetime? One question gnaws at my very being: why don't kids curve the brims of their hats? Perhaps I'm getting old. Perhaps I'm out of touch with high fashion. But this one flies right over my head.

I've always been a hat guy. When my older brother told me, upon entering high school, that hats could be worn in the halls, and in class, I knew that high school was where I wanted to be. Forever. I was the moron who took his grade nine and grade 10 yearbook photos wearing a ballcap.

I wore Seattle Mariners, Houston Astros, Colorado Avalanche, Toronto Maple Leafs, Nike, and, yes, even New York Yankees hats. I was young. Impressionable. I wish I could say I was experimenting with heavy drugs when I donned Yankee blue, but I've got no excuse. I find comfort in the fact that I wear Blue Jays colours, and only Blue Jays colours, now, in adulthood.

My point is, no matter what logo I rocked, the brim was curved. Always. I was known as the best brim curver in the land. Children marveled at the epicly curved brims on my hats. And that was before I discovered the Perfect Curve, which became my androstenedione. While my skills were on the decline, all I had to do was spend $4.50 USD and have my work done for me.

I missed the memo. I had to have. Because I just don't get it. I can't comprehend the flatness. I can't wrap my head around the flamboyant, over-the-top designs. It ain't right.

Look, I've been there. I wore the oversized clothes. My pants weren't falling off my ass, but sure, they were riding lower than they probably should have been. And I'll be the first to admit that, to this day, I wear my hat very slightly cocked to the side. I can't explain it. It just happened. You can take me out of Scarborough, but you can't take Scarborough out of me. But the brim remains, as it always has been, curved. As it is rightfully meant to be.

Less is more. For the love of God, take the tags and stickers off your hat. You're supposed to. And curve the brim. It's the way God wanted your hat to be.

21 comments:

Q-girl said...

This kinda reminds me of my recent visit to my boyfriend's parent's home. On the family photo wall he was seen in hockey logo-ed gear as varied as the Leafs, Habs, Ducks and Flyers. He never sported two logos at the same time though.

QJays said...

Ah, the past glory days. Seems like in short order I'll be telling my kids to turn off that racket they call music.

William said...

Ah yes, great post. At least you are still the age when ball players are your peers and not a younger generation like me. But I agree with you on the hat thing. Maybe Sabathia started it. He is certainly of the flat hat ilk. But it's not just the flat hat that has changed. What about the socks? Ball players don't wear stirrups anymore. What's with that? Now they look all junky with baggy pants that go right down to their ankles. It's a crime I tell you! A crime!

Zack said...

I miss my Reds hat, and my Georgia Bulldogs hat. As for the bent brim, I think it's gone the way of the gangsta lean, cause that's what they seem to be doing instead now, just leaning it off to one side of the other.

Mattt said...

Scarborough. Born there myself. West Hill summer days...anyway, I can proudly say I've only ever worn Toronto team colours and am damn proud of it...

Pension Plan Puppets said...

Amen. The flat brim with stickers is beyond ridiculous. Looks like you just stole the hat from the store.

The Ack said...

Standing "O".

You know what pisses me off? The fact there are about 1,237 variations of hip-hop style Blue Jay caps available for sale, but it's damn near impossible to find a decent stretch fit no-frills lower profile team hat.

(Authentics look goofy on me - too high!).

Drew - LtB said...

Remember that old Spike Lee starter commercial in which he demonstrated how to properly bend your hat? I do, but apparently youtube doesn't.

Also, PPP, I think that's the point.

Nick said...

As a current highschool student I must admit I'm guilty of wearing the flat brimmed hat. For my first two years of highschool I stuck to the curve brim, and just couldnt stand the flat brim took. Why on earth would you even want to have it like that and keep the stickers on it?!

Last year though, I gave in. I started wearing my hats with the flat brim. It doesn't really do anything. It just sits on the top of my head and because of how it sits it doesn't even block out the sun. I think I might go back to the curved brim look soon though.

All of my hats are the official on field style, none of the gangster looks. The most 'gangsta' one I have is last years Canada Day hat, which looks awesome by the way.

On behalf of other teens I apoligize for ruining how hats were meant to be worn.

Chemmy said...

Sorry, I'm staying flat brim.

callumhughson7 said...

We had similar angst at Mop Up Duty. http://mopupduty.com/index.php/what-up-yo/

Loser Domi said...

Thank you, eyebleaf. like PPP said, it looks like you stole them from the store if you leave the tags on.

I mean, it's a hat. It's an article of clothing. It's going to get worn, dirty, etc.

eyebleaf said...

@ Q-girl: He's a one-logo man. He's a keeper.

@ Q-Jays: I made sure not to use "Get off my lawn, bitches!!!!1" in this post.

@ William: I love your passion. Sabathia definitely rocks the hat to the side, all gangster. And he wears the baggiest clothes of any pitcher in recent memory. He's got more of a curve than Joba though. Joba's is the worst.

@ Mattt: Scarborough!!!1

@ PPP: I've never understood leaving the New Era sticker on the hat. All you're doing is publicizing the size of your head, and nobody gives a shit.

@ The Ack: You're right; it absolutely shouldn't be that hard. 98% of those styles are unwearable. And laughable.

@ Drew: I think I remember that shit. I think the first time I was confused as shit was when I saw someone keep the Starter tag on their hat. The big "S." I was crazy confused, like the time in Grade 10 science class when someone asked me to steal a triple beam balance. I had no idea why someone would need that thing outside of class. Innocence...

@ Nick: Your honesty and apology were most greatly appreciated. Best comment ever. And, hey, you're experimenting. I trust that you will see the light, and return to the ways of the wise.

@ Chemmy: You're lucky you're in my good books. And GO BILLS tonight. SHOUT!!!1

@ Callum: Flat-brimmed hats - the gift that keeps on giving.

@ LD: Wow, an LD sighting. I love how fashion morphs into "hey, this might look better if it appears that I've stolen it." We are a weird species.

sparrow13 said...

Hey man, my birthday was yesterday too.

Cheers. And I agree.

I'll drink a beer for ya.

Hungry Leafs Fan said...

Happy belated, bro and I'm totally with you on the hats! A hat is a major accessory for a guy. Straight brimming with stickers just ruins it. I'm not sure which rapper did it first but they should be shot for it.

Since this seems like a place for confession, I must admit I once did sport not one but two Bosox caps pre-World Series. I'm sorry...

If it ain't New Era fitted, I ain't wit it.

eyebleaf said...

@ sparrow: Respect.

@ Hungry: Thx dude. And I'm glad we can all be honest around here; we were all lost along the way.

Ian H. said...

Happy belated birthday, brother! Halladay is cooking up a very nice birthday gift for you at the moment.

And is that a Barack Obama bobblehead? NICE!

Ian H. said...

Oh, and as an aside my attempt at curving the brim on my hat went horribly wrong when I read that you can put your brim in a coffee mug and let it sit overnight. Turns out it was totally lopsided - good thing I tried it out on a White Sox hat first!

Jeremy said...

I cleaned out my hat collection last year, throwing out an embarrassing total of three Yankee hats. At least I know better these days.

We weren't allowed to wear hats in my high school -- most mornings I didn't even make it off the bus and to a washroom to fix my hathead before getting busted for wearing one. Nowadays my hair doesn't even grow straight, likely because I spent 90% of my childhood wearing hats (I was in class the other 10%).

eyebleaf said...

@ Ian: Respect, brother. Yesterday's game, everything about it, was most certainly the most I could ask for from the Blue Jays. And you're damned right that's an Obama bobblehead. That's my President, yo. And speaking of experiments, I once put a hat in the dishwasher to try and clean it. Not sure what the fuck I was thinking. The hat was ruined. Thankfully, it was a Yankees hat. We must never experiment on Jays hats.

@ Jeremy: It warms my heart to know that I wasn't the only tool wearing Yankees hats. Seriously. Thank you. And my heart goes out to you re: high school. I think I wore my hat every single day. Literally. I'm not blessed enough to work in an office where I can wear my hat, if I so desire. Life's crazy.

Jason M said...

That camo hat with the yellow block lettering is an abomination. Those designs are ugly, but that one is a crime against humanity. Good god what the hell is up with people these days?