September 02, 2009

No More Bets

Watching six hours of televised Toronto Blue Jays baseball in succession is in no way, shape, or form good for you. It is not recommended. Four hours has got to be the legal limit when viewing Toronto's average baseball team, and listening to the dynamic duo of Jamie Campbell and Rance Mulliniks.

The 2009 ballclub has been difficult to watch. I believe the term "soul crushing" is the one most bandied about. Unfortunately for me, they're about to inflict more damage. On my wallet. Bets of $100, $50, and a steak dinner (at Mendy's), are on the line.

Bet #1: Sure, my man Stephen Amell is about to hit the road for Hollywood, but that doesn't mean we no longer have a wager ($100 and an autograph from Mike Wilner) to settle. You remember: eight categories, over/under, seven worth one point, wins worth two points; highest total score takes it.

1. Wins - over/under 80.5 (worth two points):

After dropping both games of the doubleheader, the Jays are 59-72; playing .450 baseball. In order to get to the magical .500 mark, to 81 wins, Toronto must win 22 of their final 31 games; they must play .710 baseball.

I'm clearly still in this one. Nil-nil. (Yes, I am.)

2. Vernon Wells games played - over/under 125.5:

Staying healthy is about the only thing Wells has been able to accomplish this season. He's played 128 games. Chalk one up for the good guy. And, Vernon: "Congratulations on a job ... done." One-nothing, eyebleaf.

3. Home opener attendance - over/under 49,500:

I lost this one months ago; 1-1.

4. Roy Halladay wins - over/under 17.5:

I cannot fucking believe this one is in jeopardy. Since coming off the disabled list June 29th, Halladay has gone 3-7, with two no-decisions. And, I'm sorry, but the "rattled by trade rumours" excuse doesn't fly with me. Doc's a pro athlete, and makes millions of dollars. It's part of the business. Deal with it. And this after years of everyone lauding him as the most mentally prepared pitcher they'd ever seen.

Doc hasn't pitched well of late. He'd be the first to admit it. What's worse: he's not throwing his best pitch. If he's hurt, he shouldn't be pitching. If he's not, has he quit on his team? I shudder to think.

Doc's got about six starts left. I'm not ready to concede this point to SA just yet.

5. Combined HRs Lyle Overbay & Scott Rolen - over/under 35.5:

Rolen's back off the disabled list down in Cincinnati, and has hit one HR in 13 games; none since returning from injury. On the season, he's got nine. The power is gone. Platoon player Overbay (thanks Cito) has hit 13. I concede this one; 2-1, Stephen.

6. Alex Rios Home Runs - over/under 22.5:

In 16 games with Chicago, Rios is hitting .167/.177/.283. That's a laughable .461 OPS. Change has not been kind to Alex. He's stuck on 15 HRs, and went yard three times in June, July, and August. I've no reason to believe he'll hit eight the rest of the way, but that's never stopped me before. Two-one Stephen, three categories in question.

7. B.J. Ryan Saves - over/under 31.5 games:

Old wounds. It's hard to believe the man is no longer even in the pros. Three-one, Stephen.

8. 2009 SkyDome attendance - over/under 2,000,000:

According to ESPN, Toronto is averaging 23,904 fans a game; good for 23rd in the league. (According to The Globe and Mail, that same number ranks them 29th. I'm not sure how that works, but that's neither here nor there.) After 66 games, 1,577,729 have passed through the SkyDome's turnstiles.

With 15 games left to play at dome, if the Jays continue to meet their average of 23,904, they'll finish the season at 1,936,289. (Way to pick the line, SA, you jerk.) However, four of the 15 games are against the New York Yankees, three of them this upcoming long Labour Day weekend. Help a brother out, upstate New Yorkers. This one's still in play.

In closing: it's 3-1 Stephen. All I need is for the Jays to play .710 baseball the rest of the way, for Roy Halladay to win all his remaining starts, for Alex Rios to hit eight home runs, and for the Jays to average 28,152 fans in September. Good luck the rest of the way, and in Hollywood, SA.

(I'm fucked.)

Bet #2: Using the line Stephen set for wins, over/under 80.5, renowned Blue Jays hater PPP took the under. Only $50 is on the line, but this one hurts. For some sick, twisted reason, PPP enjoys nothing more than the suffering of Blue Jays fans. It's not even about the money. I'd simply rather not give him the satisfaction. Here's hoping Cito's got another 10-game win streak up his sleeve. Although even that probably won't be enough. Fuck. While that 27-14 start sure was enjoyable, it's causing much heartache months later.

Bet #3: I know the one and only Baltimore Orioles fan who lives in Toronto. Quite well, actually. As a matter of fact, when it comes to baseball, we have a lot in common. We're both in very abusive relationships. Anyway, we got creative on this one; you have to when each party supports a terrible team. The parameters: if the Orioles finish the season within 3.5 games of the Blue Jays (or better, but let's be serious...), I'm paying at Senior's. Four games back or more, and TOBOF (Toronto's Only Baltimore Orioles Fan) is footing the bill.

Heading into Wednesday, Baltimore trails Toronto by six. I may be out $150 come October 5th, but I'm quite certain I'll be eating well shortly thereafter.

Of course, none of the above has stopped me from trying to make things a little more ... interesting. My luck is bound to change.

Bet #4: I've got a two-four on the line with Burgundy from Stay Classy that the Toronto Maple Leafs will finish higher in the standings than the Ottawa Senators this season. I've cashed that cheque already.


bkblades said...

The law of averages. The more bets you make, the greater the chances you'll cash out on one of them, right? It's like buying all the scratch cards from the corner convenience store when all you wanted was a pack of smokes and beef jerky originally. You take them all and head home, screaming in glee, "I have so many chances, I can't lose!"

Enjoy the two-four though. That one's not even a bet, more like an agreement. No, a tribute.

eyebleaf said...

@ BK: I'm beginning to lose hope in "the law of averages."

woodpeck said...

don't lose hope! u gotta beleaf in those bets! the BJ ryan one has got to hurt though.

best part of the tv double header yesterday was Jamie Campbell stumbling over the words when vdub hit a monster shot 3 feet from the homeplate with the bases loaded in the 8th of the 2nd game. the play went home for the force and Jamie Campbell was shocked. note to JC: play goes to closest base when they are loaded. been that way since t-ball. lol! that in a nutshell speaks volumes about jc's baseball IQ. note to the 'Net: get some1 on the air that knows baseball.

Mattt said...

Eyebleaf, don't give up hope. The Jays will go at least .710 to finish the year. Probably better. Ahh denial, the sportsfans best friend...

Chemmy said...

I have a two-four on the Leafs finishing above Ottawa too.


"Dave Schultz" said...

with ya on the Leafs finishing above Ottawa.

Also, I now know who to make ridiculous bets with ;)

Anonymous said...

I walk past Senior's regularly. I've only ever seen actual seniors go in and out. You're telling me not only that it's not some restaurant for retired folks, but that it's also a fine place to eat? You're blowing my mind!

Ian H. said...

I have a feeling that you're going to be dishing out a lot of money in these bets, my friend. The Orioles are creeping closer and closer and the Blue Jays keep sinking further in the standings. Just 6.5 games right now!

eyebleaf said...

@ Woodpeck: I didn't concede a few of them, even though I know I'm on my last legs, so I'm still believing. As for your comment about JC, I remember the play you're talking about. A clutch come-backer to the mound from Wells, the Jays down by three, and the bases drunk. I remember JC being surprised, but I was too disgusted with V-Dub to give a shit. He just looks so lost out there. I can't for the season to be over for him.

@ Mattt: Denial is the sports fan's and gambler's best friend. I'm getting that steak, though. Fuck the Orioles.

@ Chemmy: I'm going with a two-four of Mill St. Brew. Delicious.

@ Schultzy: Let me know which ridiculous bets you have in mind. I'm most always game.

@ Infield: I'm here to educate, my good man. If you go upstairs, you can get a pretty good cut of meat.

@ Ian: I've lost the first two. If I lose the Orioles bet, I'm going to shed some tears. This team can't possibly finish last; can't possibly finish below the Orioles.

Burgundy said...

My Sens will surprise you, Eyebleaf.

I'll even go as far as to offer you a beer or two from that case in advance.

The Sens don't have to be good for me to win this bet. They just have to be better than the Leafs. I believe they can do that.

As far as your other bets... this one is probably the most reasonable.

"Dave Schultz" said...

no idea. But seeing what you've got going on here, I'll come up with something

eyebleaf said...

@ Burgundy: I'll take a 24 of Mill St. Brew. It will be the Leafs who will surprise you, my good man. But I agree with you, I think this is the most reasonable bet. It feels almost too reasonable.

@ Schultzy: I wait with bated breath. (What the fuck does that mean anyway?)