Valuable Life Lessons

I'd tell you I'm not pitching a tremendous baseball boner excited over Toronto's 5-1 start to the season, and Vernon Wells' 1.450 OPS a week into the marathon that is the Major League Baseball season, because I learned a valuable lesson last season (27-14!!!1). But I'd be lying.

Before I go any further, let's take a minute and give thanks to the baseball Gods above for not making us Orioles fans. Always a pleasure, Baltimore.

Five wins in a row out of six to start the campaign. On the road. From a Doc-less rotation. Without, for the most part, the services of Aaron Hill. It's like a fairytale. Throw in four home runs from Alex Gonzalez, half his long ball total of 2009; flawless performances from Shawn Camp, Scott Downs, Dana Eveland, and Kevin Gregg; yeoman's work from Casey Janssen, Shaun Marcum, Ricky Romero and Brian Tallet; and, well, I'm feeling fantastic, without having had anything to drink.

It's early, sure. But it's never too early. Not for visions of grandeur. You know: a Cito sendoff worthy of "The Manager."

Why not us?

Difficult Choices

The sweep aside, it's been a rough weekend. I'm faced with a tough question, the answer to which escapes me. I need your help.

What Vernon Wells inspired sign should I take to Monday's home opener:

1. The tried, tested, and true "I Believe In Vernon Wells"?

2. With his scorching start, and his being a fantastic human being, I'm not sure how anyone could, but what do you think about "Don't Boo Vernon"?

3. Or the Volkswagen inspired "VW: Das Awesome"?

UPDATE: I'm going with "I Believe In Vernon Wells." Why? Because I'm lazy, and the sign's ready to go from last year. It only makes sense. And as much as I too love the "VW: Das Awesome" idea, it's far easier to scribble "Playoffs!!!1" on the back of what I've already got.

End of the Road

Roy Halladay was brilliant, again, on Friday night. The more I picture him wearing Philadelphia red, or Dodger blue, the more angry I become as to why the Blue Jays are in their current predicament. I blame Rogers; not J.P. Ricciardi. I'm in too deep, defending J.P., for that to change. (Sorry, Joanna. Even though I'm not.)

Much like my favourite GM in the whole wide world, I'm done talking about the trading of the Doctor. If it happens, it happens. August 1, and the end of all this drama, cannot come soon enough.

If we have reached the end of the road, this one's for you, Doc ...

If you don't like Boyz II Men, stop lying to your damn self.

What's that? Yesterday's ballgame? Why the fuck would you want to talk about that? Look, it's simple. It was raining. It's now pouring. There's no other way to explain the blowage of a 9-1 lead, at home. (We're in the midst of a torrential downpour; even Toronto FC lost in dramatic, heartbreaking fashion.)

At times like these, always remember that it could be worse. We could be Baltimore Orioles fans.

I found it rather fitting that it was the Tampa Bay fucking DEVIL Rays who handed the Jays what had to be their toughest loss of 2009, all things considered. Those same DEVIL Rays everyone likes to bring up when shitting all over Ricciardi. Once again: the Rays are no model for success in the AL East; they've just been a helluva lot luckier than Toronto.

As for Scott Downs, he doesn't talk much to the media. So it was great to see him face the bright lights after yesterday's clusterfuck of a game and call his performance, and his team's, exactly what it was: "embarrassing." I don't know about you, but I've still got utmost faith in SnakeFace.

Sure, it was a brutal loss, but I'm more interested in seeing how the Blue Jays respond. Are they going to roll over and die, and allow Tampa the sweep? Or are they going to play with some fucking pride?

In the comments section of my last post, after Saturday's debacle, Bruno Von Rottweiler said: "...a lot of these players are soft, they are losers."

I don't believe that. Go Jays.

Awful Orioles

My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Ok, she didn't, but as a youth, she did always tell me that no matter how bad things got, they could always be worse. My parents' message was simple - don't take anything for granted, because there is always someone out there less fortunate than you.

Oh, those parents. How right they can be sometimes.

Every morning I wake up and, whether it's sunny or raining outside, I look out my window, and I thank God...

For not making me a Baltimore Orioles fan. The Orioles are one fudged up organization. They make the Toronto Blue Jays seem like, well, the New York Yankees.

The O's have dropped 14 of their last 16 contests, and 10 in a row at home. As a colleague of mine, who unfortunately happens to be an Orioles fan (pray for him, please), put it - the Orioles have checked out.

First there was the 30-3 pounding they took from the Texas Rangers. The box score of the game is almost as long as half a Harry Potter novel; the top of the 8th inning is an excruciatingly long chapter. The Rangers finished that game with 29 hits. That's almost as shocking as the 30 runs.

Last Saturday B-more was no-hit by Boston Red Sox rookie Clay Buchholz. The final score in that game was 10-0.

But what really made my heart ache for the Orioles and their fans was their 17-2 loss to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays on Wednesday night. Losing to the D-Rays is bad enough, but by a score of 17-2? Oh Mylanta.

Somehow, the Orioles are not in last place in the American League East division. Not yet, at least. They've got the pathetic Devil Rays to thank for that. Their season, however, has been another one to forget. I'm not really sure I can remember the last time the Orioles have been any good at all. The Blue Jays have finished in third place in the AL East for the last God knows how many years, so that means the Orioles have always finished behind them, and that's just sad.

The Jays aren't going to the playoffs, unless Santa Claus gets his chubby buttocks down my chimney and delivers the miracle himself. It's truly disappointing, it really is, but the parental unit, in all their wisdom, were right - it could be worse: I could be an Orioles fan.

It hurts just thinking about it.