Guest Post: 5 Ways I'd Change the NHL

It's time to celebrate another first here at Sports And The City: a guest post!

For those of you who read Greg Wyshynski's Puck Daddy blog over at Yahoo! Sports, you know what he's been up to this summer. He's had different personalities, from the great Will Leitch to uber hockey blogger James Mirtle, weigh in with their top five ways they'd change the NHL.

I was going to chime in with my own five ways, but being the world's greatest procrastinator got in the way, as it usually does. Thankfully, my boy Winson has filled the gap. To his friends, he's known as Winse, Prince, Winsanity, Vince, Winsonia, Winsonian, Squinse, Squinsanity, and Squinson. Over here in the comments section, he's known as Marvelous Win.

I'm going to pass the mic over to my guest of honour, but you can find some of my running commentary throughout the post. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the one, the only, Marvelous Win.

*cue applause*

Marvelous Win: 5 Ways I'd Change the NHL

I would like to thank eyebleaf for letting me waste some of my time by letting me post on his blog (eyebleaf: He definitely wrote this while at work). Now that the obligatory thanks is out of the way, let's get down to business. I've been reading a lot about how people would change the NHL, and there have been some very good suggestions. So I started to think, what would be my five ways to improve the NHL? Now, I'm really not like the regular person (eyebleaf: I can attest to this fact), so I decided to tap into my inner Vince McMahon and present to you five stupid ways I'd improve the NHL. They just might be crazy enough to work. Hit my music.

1. Hooligans, hooligans, and more hooligans

Let's take a page from TFC and have a section in the lower bowl, behind the away net, reserved for each city's equivalent of the Red Patch Boys. Anyone who's been to a TFC game knows the excitement the south side brings. Just imagine the away goalie being heckled all game long by the die hard fans; being serenaded with "It's all your fault!" and "Who are ya?" chants. And streamers. We definitely need streamers (eyebleaf: I would have loved to whip a streamer or two, or ten, at Raycroft's useless mug, although they probably would have gone right through him, just like everything else - zing!).

2. What cha say, foo?

Why does hockey, a sport that supposedly thrives on violence, have the worst personality in the world? Why on earth are hockey players taught to be respectable in interviews? Honestly, hockey needs more guys like Sean Avery. I mean, even Michael Jordan was a master of the timeless art of trash talkage.

Imagine, after a Caps and Pens game, Sidney Crosby saying something like this: "That Ovechkin fool ain't got nothing on me. I can dangle around him any day of the week. And he's one ugly mother fucker."

And Ovie coming back with this: "The next time Sid skates into my zone, I will knock him on his ass, and watch him cry like he usually does. And he calls that a playoff beard? I know Russian girls with more hair on their face."

Imagine that. Priceless. Screw promoting team rivalries. Player hatred - think Marty Brodeur and Avery - is the way to go.

3. Relegation, Relegation, Relegation

I'm taking another page from the most popular sport in the world; football. No, not the one the Americans play. That doesn't even involve too much, you know, foot. They really should change the name.

Anyway, picture this: the last place team in each conference would get relegated to the AHL, and the AHL's two best teams would get promoted to the NHL (eyebleaf: the fact that the NHL teams stock the AHL teams might pose a slight problem, but I love the idea of relegation regardless).

Can you imagine how exciting the games would be at the end of the year? No one would ever think about tanking again.

4. Mamma Said Knock You Out

Instead of moving away from fighting, I think we should face facts and start rewarding the guys who have the chutzpah to drop the gloves. Here's my idea: only the loser of the fight should go to the sin bin. So, if you choose to fight and get your ass handed to you (eyebleaf: memories of Mark Bell), your team will be down a man. So don't be starting something unless you plan on finishing it.

5. Blue and Red

Picture this: every time someone passes the puck there'll be a blue a streak on your television, and every time someone shoots the puck there'll be a red streak on your television. What? What do you mean they tried that? And it didn't work? Oh, well, shit.

5. Girls, Girls, and more Girls

I know there's recently been a lot of talk about women and their place in hockey. I mean no disrespect to the lovely female hockey bloggers out there, but I personally think every team should have cheerleaders, or "Ice Girls" as they're called in Pittsburgh. What? I like girls. I like them a lot (eyebleaf: he really does). OK fine, just the hot ones (eyebleaf: it's true, he's mean to the ugly ones).

And after reading that, ladies and gentlemen, now you know why I'm not running the NHL.

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming...